The day that turned things around for the better *** mild trigger ***

[Wife#2]

I will always remember that day. I felt trapped in my own life. There was a lot going on that wasn't healthy, physically or emotionally. I didn't see a way out of it.

I didn't really think about WAYS to end things, but the fact that it even crossed my mind set off alarms in my brain. THAT's not good, said my brain. Heart was angry and tired. Brain said, too bad! We'll figure this out! Heart cried. Brain said, that's it - time to make that phone call. And I called the national suicide hotline.

** And I couldn't get through! it was the early days of cell phones as home phones and the hotline wasn't designed for cell phone calls.

I dialed again. NO luck. Heart said - See? Brain said ' Shut up, we'll get this.' On the 2nd try, I got through. The very helpful lady on the other end got in touch with my best friend (freaking out, she was - she did NOT see this coming), who agreed to bring me to the hospital, so I wouldn't need an ambulance. She stayed on the line until SHE spoke with my friend proving that she was really there.

I can ONLY guess how fast she drove, but she crossed our town in a record 10 minutes. I was a little surprised there was no cop behind her! She drove (much safer) to the hospital and I told the doctors I had an ideation and that scared me.

No - I did not intend to self-harm. No - I did not want to harm others. No - I had no method in mind as I hadn't got 'that far' before calling for help. Still, ideation means a mandatory evaluation.

From that evening, I stayed three days/nights in a mental health facility. I met with the counselors. I found out my thyroid was out of whack. I took the meds they prescribed for that and for depression. I began to feel hope again.

Before I could leave, I had to set up an appointment with a therapist. That was one of the best decisions I made in the weeks before or after that night. The therapist helped me move forward in my life so very much!

I may have a long way to go, but I know I will make it. All because when I reached 'that place' I also reached out for help.

Anyone still reading this, please know that you matter to more people than you realize. Whenever you struggle, reach out to someone. If it's that bad of a day, be honest with whomever you do talk to. Don't sugarcoat it. Bad days are bad days, we all have them and real friends WANT to help. They just can't read your mind to know just how hard you're struggling.

I shocked a lot of people when I took my 'three day vacation'. I tease about it now because, as dark as it was that day, it was also the beginning of good returning to my life. That day was my reset button. I'd have preferred to go about it a different way, but lots of good did happen. Not the least of which was finding a good therapist.

Take heart. Even if you think you are all alone, there is someone in this world who cares about you and wants to help you. Reach out. If you don't know who that person is - call the hotline. You'll find out they are really staffed by caring people.  YOU ARE WORTH IT!

[radical]

 
This is a lovely message Wife#2.  It is generous of you to write it.
So many of us find it so hard to reach out and to believe that anyone really cares.
Thank you for sharing this.

[Three Roses]

Thank you so much for this, Wife ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

[woodsgnome]

Count me as one who didn't have a friend in the universe. I didn't seem destined for them, despite a ton of acquaintances over many years; but in quick, over and out was always the pattern. I did, though, manage to finally become quite close with 4, despite my own notion of low self-worth. But these 4 persisted, and my own resistance loosened; maybe I really did deserve a part in their love, I thought...then... they all died within months of each other. I'd heard things like listen for what the universe is telling you. And then that happens? My fragile sense of self-worth plummeted from 'I might be okay' back to rock bottom.

Okay, that was around 3 years ago now. Nary a friend since; then late last summer the desperate loneliness rose again to peak levels...my therapist provided my first safe haven, but soon other messages started showing up. Quite literal messages that I was indeed 'someone', that I meant a lot and had affected many more. One of these messages was extraordinarily special in how it came to me and what it said, but it did. Instead of a void, I'm realizing that maybe I do have a place here, that even when I didn't notice that I meant anything to anyone, others stepped in and made it clear that I'd played a positive role in their lives.

So Wife#2's message now resonates strongly, as I've been on that mountain of despair, as others here have; I thought I had every reason to not continue, now I see that I did play a role in many people's lives, a role that others have told me point blank is a worthy one (most of whom had, and have, no idea of my s ideations). I didn't see this for a long time, but now I do.

So thanks again, Wife#2, for pointing to the value of life, even when it all seems so dark. 

[Three Roses]

Woodsgnome 

[Candid]

I agree with radical, wife#2: It was generous of you to revisit your experience in order to share it with us.

Count me as one who didn't have a friend in the universe. I didn't seem destined for them, despite a ton of acquaintances over many years; but in quick, over and out was always the pattern.

That's been the way for me, too. I'm so sorry your four good friends all died. I too have had good friends die, my bestie when we were both 19 (suicide) and my two surrogate mothers of old age. I keep meaning to make a journal page honouring all the people who've shown me love, for those days when distress is all I have.

I'm realizing that maybe I do have a place here, that even when I didn't notice that I meant anything to anyone, others stepped in and made it clear that I'd played a positive role in their lives.

I envy that! Even the world of work seems to have turned its back on me.

I will always remember that day. I felt trapped in my own life. There was a lot going on that wasn't healthy, physically or emotionally. I didn't see a way out of it.

I'm in that space now. I have SI most days.

ideation means a mandatory evaluation.

Interesting. I didn't know that. The few times I've shown up in ER they've established that I have no intent and sent me home. On one occasion I was there all night waiting for the psychiatrist to show up at 9am. What did he do? Told me angrily: "We have to do something about you, because you can behave like a lady and then you start shouting." And strong-armed me to the door because I'd reacted badly to the question: "Why do you think you were the family scapegoat?" Zero relief offered.

Before I could leave, I had to set up an appointment with a therapist.

That would have helped! I've been on the waiting list for trauma therapy for a couple of months now, and nothing's shifting.

Anyone still reading this, please know that you matter to more people than you realize. Whenever you struggle, reach out to someone. If it's that bad of a day, be honest with whomever you do talk to. Don't sugarcoat it.

I have a problem with this. I know I matter to my H, and I have a couple of friends with whom I have email contact, but the only people who 'get' it are here on the forum. With SI most days, I've told H a score of times that I want to be dead. On one occasion he asked whether I wanted to go to the hospital; I said no. Without intent, which I've never had, it feels like I'm trying to blackmail someone into solving problems I can't solve myself. Causing trouble again, which is what mother always accused me of.

Sorry to be a downer on a generally upbeat thread. I think there must be hope ahead; I just hope I find it soon.

[Wife#2]

Candid - you're reaching out! That's wonderful! You keep posting, downer or not, you just keep posting! THANK YOU FOR CONTINUING TO POST!

Can I be 'Candid' with you? You have an amazing ability to see through the crap right to the heart of the matter. My husband calls folks like you - straight shooters - and gives them the highest respect he has. I've learned to reject the pretty-words crowd for folks like you. If I could, I'd pack my world full of such people as you are, because you are genuine.

I know I can't fix anything, but I do want to let you know that I'm glad when I see your icon in the list of responders. In short - YOU MATTER, WOMAN! At least to me. To many others, here, too.

The state where I live, and the hospital system I prefer in town, have pretty straightforward rules that - fortunately - the hospital staff follow. Yes, ideation alone was enough to get me admitted. I was counted as a self-admit rather than a committed patient. This may sound harsh, but it always helps to have good insurance when dealing with the mental health world of medicine. It may have helped that my insurance at the time would pay for three-day in-house facility if ordered by a doctor. The attending doctor asked me if I wanted to be admitted and I answered, 'Yes.' I knew what my insurance would cover by the time I was at the ER.

In my mind, it would give me a three day break from dealing with all the real-life troubles. Of course, it didn't work out that way. I had to dig deeper into all of it before they'd consider releasing me. Nobody ends up in-patient because life is roses.

These words, my mother told me about HER stay as an in-patient, have always rung true. I'm going to tell you what Mom said, then how they could be modified for you, Candid.

Doctor: We think it's time to release you now.
Mom: What?
Doctor: You're not having SI anymore. It's time.
Mom: But you haven't taught me how to cope yet. You're sending me straight back into the situation that landed me here in the first place!

Doctor: Since you haven't got a plan, we're sending you home.
Candid: Where I can brood until I *DO* have a plan? Please, call to find a facility taking patients. If you won't order it, will you at least not step in my way?

I'm trying to think of anything to encourage you, Candid. You are so worthy of caring people around you, loving on you, telling you that you matter and have made a difference. I know I feel that way, which is why I typed it.

[Candid]

But you haven't taught me how to cope yet. You're sending me straight back into the situation that landed me here in the first place!

That's just it, isn't it? I fictionalised my first experience in the nuthouse and that was pretty much what the protagonist said.

I'm trying to think of anything to encourage you, Candid.

Thank you, I really do appreciate it. I just wish I could glimpse the possibility of a sniff of happiness ahead. Presently all is darkness.

[joyful]

Just wanted to say thank you SOOOO much for this Wife2 

[Wife#2]

I just believe that we all need to see that there can be better days.

After that 'vacation' was one of the few times my oldest sister allowed herself to be around our mother - for my sake. She knew I shouldn't be home alone (and I was alone for certain) so I would choose to be with Mom. She met me there.

We cried, we talked, we cried some more. She watched her words around Mom, but made it clear to me that she understood. She'd been there, too, and survived. Her main message to me during that visit was to be easy with myself. That I do deserve love and sometimes that comes from learning to love yourself.

Somehow, oldest sis telling me about HER struggles didn't feel like some kind of attention competition, it felt like heart sharing and total empathy. Yet, when Mom shared HER experience, it felt like competition. It was for that very reason oldest sister had come. She knew I didn't need scar comparisons, I needed compassion and empathy and love and more love. She also knows our mother enough to know Mom wouldn't/couldn't be a source for that.

Candid - I think of you every day now. I'm hoping you read this. I'm hoping you see that many of us care about you. I'm hoping that your husband has helped you survive one more night and one more day. Because the world would be a dimmer place without you.

I've lost so many people I have loved. There were days when I stared at the loneliness and pain of those losses. Then, I feel the need to celebrate that they lived and shared their lives with me. Some days, I have to make the effort to drag myself out of the pit and put their pictures in front of me and remember that they didn't choose to die. And while they lived, THEY LIVED! As much as each of them loved me, they would want my life to be moving in a good direction. I can't live 'for them', but I can choose to honor them with positive choices, following their wise words spoken into my life.

Others, like you, Candid, are still with me. I celebrate you while you live! No, we may not have each other's phone numbers or be pen pals, but I do hope to call you friend. I do care that you are here. If I am ever able to help you, that will be a joyous day indeed.

My oldest sister lives by a principle I can't often duplicate, but I like making the effort and I'm glad you all helped me bring it back to my mind: The universe is pretty mindless, but it has lots of energy. Try to send into it positive energy - you're more likely to get positive energy back from the universe.  Yeah, I know, pretty 'new age' and could be used to hurt if phrased wrong. BUT, I do say that becoming conscious of what energy I'm choosing to emit IS helpful in day-to-day junk. In that spirit .... here is a  to any who've read this far and need a hug. YOU MATTER TO SOMEONE - ME!

[Candid]

Thank you, Wife#2. I am honoured to be your friend.

[sanmagic7]

wife2, so glad you called.  i think that being committed for si might be different in different countries/areas.  this was a beautiful thread you began.  thanks for sharing your experience, your lovely thoughts and well wishes.  you are a gem.

candid, i put my hat in your ring, too.  you matter a great deal to me, and to others here, i'm sure.  so supportive, always, even while in the depths.  that's quite a heart you have, my dear!  it deserves to keep beating.    here's another      from me, given with true affection.  you are one of my family here!

[Elphanigh]

Wife2 thank you for such a wonderful post. It is very amazing you share your story with such hope, it is really encouraging to read.

Candid, I have not been on here long but I have seen nothing but kindness and true caring from you. I too care that you are here and hope that I and this forum can help you in anyway possible. I hope your husband has been a help as well. Here is a very warm and well meaning 

[Candid]

Thank you, San and Elphanigh. Feeling very blah right now and the only relief is coming here to my FOC.

[sanmagic7]

relief away, my dear.  we're here with you.    back atcha.