"Is she OK?"

[Rainydaze]

A weird one. I went out with a friend tonight to do some bingo ) and to have a couple of drinks. My friend came back from the bar about an hour in and said that some woman had asked if her friend was OK (i.e. me!) I always feel overwhelmed in new places but I'm amazed my discomfort was really that obvious to a stranger I hadn't even spoken to. I'm always the quietest and get flushed in social situations but I did well to get out tonight. I guess it's just hard that my idea of doing well still looks like sadness or a struggle in the eyes of someone else. Kind of sad but I'm trying to look at it from a different perspective too. Maybe they were genuinely a nice, caring person and didn't mean to sound judgemental. Maybe they were just nosey about a new face who didn't always wear a smile. I guess I'm just trying to get out of the habit of instantly shaming myself for appearing a certain way. It would be nice to get to a point where it comes naturally but I see it's going to be a long road. 

[Hope Grows]

hi blues_cruise,
you don't need to feel ashamed of being shy, or withdrawn... there's no rule book that says you HAVE to behave a certain way or else you'll be called out on it or humiliated. That woman had no business commenting. Maybe a way you could stand up for yourself in this situation is to say to your friend that you felt judged when she passed along the comment and you didn't deserve it.

Just a thought. I know that if someone made a comment about one of my friends, I would challenge them on the spot 'why do you ask?', 'you don't need to concern yourself, my friend is a thinker - I love that about her' ...or something to that affect... and I absolutely wouldn't pass it on because I would know how difficult it is for you to be out trying to build confidence.

Hope this helps.

[sanmagic7]

hey, blues_cruise,

during my lifetime, i've had many, many people ask me why i was so sad or if i was ok.  it always happened when i was out in public, and was not animatedly talking or laughing.   i finally realized that my eyes carried my sadness for myself and all that i'd lost or never got in my life, and that it was very evident to anyone who saw them.

i looked at this as a curiosity, didn't think much of it until i began recovery here.  i'm finding out that my body has held my emotions for most of my life because i was so out of touch with them.  my hub tells me my eyes look less sad now than 15 yrs. ago, but the sadness that i didn't know about, didn't know how to feel or how to express, took its toll on my eyes.  i've got several eye problems now that i'm in the process of working to heal.

i don't know if this has ever happened to you before, but you may be giving off some kind of signal/vibe that you are struggling right now.  i don't think it's anything to be ashamed of.  it just seems like it might be a sign of the depth of your struggles and discomfort.   we've all been there, you're certainly not alone.

i hope this doesn't keep you from going out, tho.  i hope you had a good time (i love bingo!).  when i've had those kinds of comments, they were always from a place of care and concern.  nice people.  i never had one neg. experience with it.   

[Rainydaze]

Sorry, I kept meaning to come back to this but have had a trying few weeks.  Thank you both so much for your replies.

hi blues_cruise,
you don't need to feel ashamed of being shy, or withdrawn... there's no rule book that says you HAVE to behave a certain way or else you'll be called out on it or humiliated. That woman had no business commenting. Maybe a way you could stand up for yourself in this situation is to say to your friend that you felt judged when she passed along the comment and you didn't deserve it.

Just a thought. I know that if someone made a comment about one of my friends, I would challenge them on the spot 'why do you ask?', 'you don't need to concern yourself, my friend is a thinker - I love that about her' ...or something to that affect... and I absolutely wouldn't pass it on because I would know how difficult it is for you to be out trying to build confidence.

Hope this helps.

I've always felt ashamed of being shy and withdrawn which leads me to be even more that way inclined! I think I'm naturally reserved anyway but my rubbish upbringing stripped away any confidence I should have developed in being my own person. I've been very socially anxious ever since the age of about 4 (probably earlier too but my memory doesn't stretch that far back) and it's difficult to shrug it off when it's so ingrained. High school was so tough because kids would single me out as being the weird, quiet one and give me a hard time. I feel ashamed for not being more 'over it' as an adult but their taunts have really stuck with me. Stupid kids. I have a lot of resentment towards my N father because I feel like his treatment of me and the rest of my family caused me to be like this.

I think my friend was just a bit baffled to be honest. She's a massive extrovert and doesn't have a clue about my past or my current difficulties. She had a happy upbringing and socialising is her no. 1 goal in life, whereas I'm the opposite. She's one of these people who I like to be around because she is fun and a lovely person, but I don't really think she has the capacity to understand the deep stuff and didn't understand that passing on the comment to me would make me feel even more distanced from people. It was a weird, cliquey, small town venue we were at so I think that's part of why I didn't feel I fitted in.  If I go into the city I choose artsy/cultural type places where quiet conversation is appreciated and it's lovely, I feel like I fit in far more.

hey, blues_cruise,

during my lifetime, i've had many, many people ask me why i was so sad or if i was ok.  it always happened when i was out in public, and was not animatedly talking or laughing.   i finally realized that my eyes carried my sadness for myself and all that i'd lost or never got in my life, and that it was very evident to anyone who saw them.

i looked at this as a curiosity, didn't think much of it until i began recovery here.  i'm finding out that my body has held my emotions for most of my life because i was so out of touch with them.  my hub tells me my eyes look less sad now than 15 yrs. ago, but the sadness that i didn't know about, didn't know how to feel or how to express, took its toll on my eyes.  i've got several eye problems now that i'm in the process of working to heal.

i don't know if this has ever happened to you before, but you may be giving off some kind of signal/vibe that you are struggling right now.  i don't think it's anything to be ashamed of.  it just seems like it might be a sign of the depth of your struggles and discomfort.   we've all been there, you're certainly not alone.

i hope this doesn't keep you from going out, tho.  i hope you had a good time (i love bingo!).  when i've had those kinds of comments, they were always from a place of care and concern.  nice people.  i never had one neg. experience with it.   

Thank you, this makes a lot of sense. I very rarely animatedly talk and laugh. If I'm relatively calm and able to engage in conversation for a little while then that's a massive milestone to me, but to others it must look like I'm not making the effort. I just can't be carefree and lively because I never feel that way; there's always an underlying sadness. I'm sure the woman who made the comment meant well but it shocked me that I was so obvious.

Have you found good ways to express your sadness now? I wonder if holding the sadness back is more harmful than the sadness itself. To be honest I never really registered that I was overly sad all the time, but I'm often irritable and stuck in my head so I think that's part of it. I hope your eye problems improve. 

[sanmagic7]

actually, b_c, i have made a conscious effort to identify my sadness in the last year or so, and to just let it out - healing tears, tears of release, tears that carry away the poison that has been stored within me. 

i've had a tendency over the years to cry a lot, at anything emotional, pos. or neg., whether it's happening to me, to/with someone else, movies, etc.  it's only been lately that i began to look at each time i've cried and question what it is exactly that i'm crying about.  what i've been discovering is that much of it has been loss of something, whether it's been a loving relationship, an acknowledgment of an accomplishment, unconditional acceptance, caring without expectations attached - or general things, like the freedom to be me without someone trying to change me (that started in very early childhood), being able to feel/express/identify emotions - all kinds of things. 

there have been so many, the list seems endless.  i still have more to identify, i'm sure, but i've made some headway.   unfortunately, i believe, like van der kolk says, the body keeps the score, and my eyes have paid the price for holding all that sadness for me.  glaucoma, which can never be cured, only treated so as not to go blind, and now i've got a retina detaching and a cataract beginning.  so, yes, i definitely believe that not getting our emotions out is far more harmful than acknowledging, accepting, identifying, and appropriately expressing them than holding them in, trying to ignore them, pushing them down, or distracting ourselves from them could ever be.

best to you with this, b_c.  we haven't often been taught that showing our emotions is either good or safe.  finding a safe place is important, and the goodness of letting them out helps our bodies either heal or help keep them from getting sick or wounded in some way.  we're in this together.  big hug.