Shame

[89abc123]

Hi guys,

It's been so long since I have posted here but I had a crisis tonight that led me back to seeking out support.

I was texting with a friend and i thought I'd try an experiment and reveal something personal about myself. I decided to let her know my struggles with severe anxiety. She replied with 'yeah your so anxious but I see through it and love you anyway'.

I cried for like an hour straight. I feel devastated to know that people can see how anxious I am. I don't know why it bothers me so much because I also have anxious friends who I love and can see the anxiety but it doesn't bother me at all.

I am literally in a shame spiral over this. Could it be an emotional flashback over feeling 'exposed'??

I just can't live with myself when I know my negative traits and problems are so evident. Like everyone knows how sick I am, but they hang out with me anyway. How do you deal with the shame over the person that cptsd has turned you into. The way I behave around people is so humiliating.

[Three Roses]

89abc123 - does this sound like what you go thru?

I remind her, as I have many times when memories have overwhelmed her, that when the feeling is so intense and out of proportion to the experience that I can almost guarantee that she is re-experiencing a time capsule of memory, something put away in another time because it was too much to experience then

(From http://www.meditation-ptsd.com/shame-attack/)

Your friend sounds lovely. If you say your friends' anxiety doesn't bother you, why do you think it's uncomfortable for you to let them see yours? Does it make you feel too vulnerable?

I am literally in a shame spiral over this. Could it be an emotional flashback over feeling 'exposed'??

Cptsd is a disorder and not necessarily a permanent fixture in your life. Healing from it is possible - if this was done to us, it can be undone by us!

Hang in there, and keep posting, keep investigating. I think you're on the right track!

[89abc123]

Hi three roses thanks so much for your reply!

Yeah my friend is so lovely. That's why I get frustrated at getting so upset over these things. I hate how even people being nice to me sets me off. It's just the humiliation of feeling abnormal and weird, and sensing that everyone else thinks I am weird too, so it is an emotional flashback. This one feels different to any I've picked up on before so I didn't really know what it was.

Wow...as I typed that I remember an exact moment in childhood where I was shamed for being 'weird' in front of a whole group of people. I felt so humiliated. I think that's what this is.

I feel like I have come a long way with this stuff. Now I know not to react, in the past I would have withdrawn from the friendship. Now I know to sit with the discomfort and not try and sabotage or distance myself from people who care. It's still tough tho. My brain still automatically goes to 'don't be friends with her' mode.

I can't believe the mental gymnastics we have to go through to function. What an emotional night it's been!

Thanks again, you've helped me heaps.

[Three Roses]

So glad I helped! 

[Rainydaze]

Wow...as I typed that I remember an exact moment in childhood where I was shamed for being 'weird' in front of a whole group of people. I felt so humiliated. I think that's what this is.

Hi 89abc123  . I think I know how you feel. I'm still haunted by an episode at high school where I was sitting in class and a group of boys taunted me to the point that I became very flushed, then laughed at me and pointed it out to everyone else as though I was just a complete joke. I was so humiliated and felt really small, like it was my fault for the cruelty because I couldn't stop being 'weird'.

Hi three roses thanks so much for your reply!

I feel like I have come a long way with this stuff. Now I know not to react, in the past I would have withdrawn from the friendship. Now I know to sit with the discomfort and not try and sabotage or distance myself from people who care. It's still tough tho. My brain still automatically goes to 'don't be friends with her' mode.

I can't believe the mental gymnastics we have to go through to function. What an emotional night it's been!

I think sometimes we try to run from ourselves rather than face the reality of being how we are. Your lovely friend accepts you though, so it's a clear pointer that you can learn to accept yourself too. I'm with you on the mental gymnastics, functioning through CPTSD isn't easy.