Feel disconnected from others *TW*

[Pippy]

Hello, i was on this site a while ago and found it helpful but had trouble getting logged back in so have started fresh. I was Pippa, now Pippy.
I developed my c ptsd from living with my husband who was into torture, entrapment, rape etc. He apparently had NPD or something and was a psychopath but not diagnosed. Ive been away from him for 8 years with no contact but am still struggling. He kept me isolated from the world, except i was 'allowed' to work, he liked the money. But was allowed no friends. I tried to leave him several times, it took planning as i was so scared of him, terrified of him actually, first time my parents took me back to him and second time the police didn't believe me. I didn't fit the profile of a battered wife so couldn't get any protection to leave. My internet and phone calls were tracked making it difficult to reach out.  I did 7 years. Now i am raising my daughter, who also has cptsd thanks to his treatment on my own, with little support from family who mostly think Ive made it all up. My mum believes i am the cause of my daughters tears, not for being with my x, but that i cause the problems somehow now. Just heartbreaking. Ive since learnt i was emotionally neglected as a child by mum and dad, so i guess the comments aren't suprising but they still hurt. Ive given much to keep my daughter as safe as i could for all those years, often sacrificing myself to protect her. I still have few friends as I'm still isolated outside of work due to not having babysitters. I can't call on my parents as they trigger my daughter. So many nights on my own. I crave friends, long to have people to go out for dinner, or to a movie with. When I've had a night with my daughter safe somewhere Ive ended up going out alone, or sitting at the beach with my dog for company as i had no one to go out with or to visit. Difficult with only 2 or 3 evenings a year without my daughter. Just pathetic really. But his legacy lives on in my life. My dear brother has just started having my daughter one night a week as i was falling apart, which is so wonderful, I'm so grateful i cant thank him enough. Ive joined an orchestra which I'm enjoying. It gives social interaction without having to know anyone first. So how come i still feel so disconnected? Like i am on the fringe looking in on society? I find myself socially awkward as i dont seem to have anything in common anymore with 'normal' people who haven't lived through what i have.  How come the tears at night wont go away? I thought having some time to myself and a hobby out with people would dull the ache of being lonely but it hasn't. I know the tears are a release but I'm sick of being sad. Are these feelings normal for cptsd? Even after years of treatment?  I do see a psychologist who is wonderful and is helping me unravel bits but there is so much to untangle. I dont know anyone who is actually living this roller-coaster. Appreciate any thoughts or comments. Am i just feeling sorry for myself? If so how do i stop?

[Three Roses]

Hello, welcome back! You are not just feeling sorry for yourself. The treatment you endured probably resulted in changes to your brain, all of which can be treated.

I hope your psychologist is at least trauma-informed. So many health care professionals are not aware there is a difference between ptsd and cptsd. But awareness is growing; and kizzie has provided a number of helpful documents you can print out and take to medical appointments: http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/.

It may take a while but I believe we can have healing, at least in part, from this disorder that was given to us. Keep reading, keep posting; inform yourself about cptsd; jump into threads (old or new) and ask questions; and above all, move at your own pace.

You're an amazing woman and I'm glad you got out! 

[89abc123]

Hey there,

I think most people will be able to relate to your post about feeling disconnected! I know for me I te d to self isolate, I also feel different when I am around others.

I've found the most helpful resources for me have been the spartan life coach YouTube channel (he specialises in recovering from npd relationships), running on empty book about childhood emotional neglect, and Pete walkers from surviving to thriving. I also have been doing schema therapy for about 2 years which is such a slow process but soooo worth it. I've also just recently been applying some dbt skills to help me manage emotional flashbacks.

I'm in no way 'healed' but each day I'm getting better at handling my emotions. I journal every time I catch a flashback now and am learning a lot about my triggers.

I hope you are feeling a bit less isolated and can use some of the resources. Cptsd is a tough pill to swallow. It took me about a year to accept my illness. You have come to the right place for support on your journey.

[Rubyfog]

the isolation for me has been interminable. I hold most of what I feel and experience in an internal space/to myself...because the experiences are so dark they culminate in secondary trauma for those who are closest to me. The person who targeted me also stalks me electronically and set up my phone for ease of monitoring. I write, draw and cry a lot. I do all the things I used to do and some new things as well...but the invisible barrier remains...social awkwardness...trust issues...Do you find it's getting any better 7yrs out?

[Marie]

Hi Pippa,

In relation to your husband i cannot relate but to the childhood i can. I found out through constant research my mother is a narc but it doesn't make it any easier but when you actually come to terms with all the stuff that happened to your it makes moving forward that little bit easier. Research is the key i have found one thing will lead to another making things seem a little bit easier.

I find myself disconnected all the time. I prefer my own company. I don't feel comfortable around people even tho i know this is all me  its veryyyyyyyyyy hard to change it. Have you tried CBT ?

I found when it all came to light everything was weird. Probably because the reality was not really all that real. Do you find you see everything very differently now ?

I find working from the past all the way through most helpful it releases all the pent up tension (this doesn't work for everyone). That hardest part is thinking how did this happen to me. I read a lot of psychology to make more sense of life.

Hope this gives some help