Effects of sexual abuse for me TRIGGER WARNING

[Blueberry]

One of my coping mechanisms as a child, which I had started by 8 years old at the latest, feels pretty addictive and very hard not to do when I'm triggered in a few particular ways,

I did it again the night before last. Now that I've read through this thread again, I remember: put your hands on your stomach. But that idea was far away the other night, not even on my radar. I know I could have a symbol for it on my wall or a written note by my bed to remind me, but that could well trigger me too. It's an idea though. Since I'd stopped the coping mechanism I'd imagined it wouldn't come back but it did. Reminds me that somebody on here (Dee?) mentioned that it's not a question of whether we go back to self-destructive or addictive behaviour but when we do.

I've been reading around on here and commenting on other people's threads for quite a long time as in a couple of hours, putting off writing about this maybe? Wasn't even conscious in my mind. Yesterday I thought about writing it but didn't.

[Blueberry]

One of my coping mechanisms as a child, which I had started by 8 years old at the latest, feels pretty addictive and very hard not to do when I'm triggered in a few particular ways,

I did it again

last night in fact.

*** Severe TW! ***


The idea of putting hands on my stomach was very far away. It was more: I wanted to do this to myself.

And in my visualisation I'm the perpetrator to small children. I read a post over on OOTF on CSA and got triggered. It was trigger warned, so I could have decided not to read. In my visualisation I was doing what was done to them, which was similar to what was done to me.

IRL, I am not a danger to small children or anybody else in the least. Not at all. I used to feel frightened for small children that something might happen to them like when they were sitting on someone's knee (not on mine). Real live children are completely and utterly safe with me. I tried to warn my sibs about the menace in FOO but they didn't want to know.

[Deep Blue]

Blueberry,
It's ok. You are safe. It's may 2018.  I think a hug may be too much for you right now.  I'm sitting with you.
Love,
Deep Blue

[Blueberry]

Thank you Deep Blue! A hug would be fine actually.

I'm safe, you're correct. It's interesting you said that because I didn't actually feel unsafe when I posted. My 'coping mechanism' gets rid of the primary trigger. I would only start feeling really antsy again if I were to go back in my head into explaining the coping mechanism. I was never forced to do anything to other children so it's not triggering to me in that sense. It's more that the whole topic of sexuality is a self-imposed no-no for me. That way I avoid a mine-field of triggers from pre-verbal times.

[Deep Blue]

 

Lots of hugs then 

Struggling with old coping methods is a struggle for me.  I still want to do them quite often.  If I give in, i tend to beat myself up over it as well.  They only help for about a half hour... so I do my best to fight it. 

[Blueberry]

  to you then too. I find self-compassion very difficult but it is healthier than beating self up.

[Andyman73]

BlueBerry,
I found it rather ingenious, your coping method of hands on your belly. It's something that can be so easily explained away, if someone notices you doing it.

I heard said, once upon a time, that round is indeed a shape!  And if the shape you're in, is round..well...then...you're in shape! 
I never once imagined you being a danger to young children.
for feeling bad about exposing FOO in public. You are so brave, and I just want to tell you that. 

[Blueberry]

There was a trigger yesterday that had nothing to do with CSA, more an emotional boundary thing. But the dreams I had last night - they were obviously tainted with CSA. Preverbal trauma - I get all mixed up. Even my fear of my flying seems to be mixed up with CSA. Not that it was done in airports or on planes that I know of but the connection seemed to be: on account of CSA no firm ground under foot (metaphorically-speaking) and in an airplane no firm ground under foot literally. That connection turned up quite a long time ago in T.

So going to move to some music now.

[Deep Blue]

Blueberry,
Can I offer a safe hug?    the connections our minds make with trauma seem endless.  Please take good care sweetie

[Blueberry]

Thank you Deep Blue, yes the connections seem endless and incomprehensible sometimes but I'm sure they do all have their logic somewhere.
I sent you a pm.

[Andyman73]

Hi, just want to say we stop to visit, and see you.  Safe  :hug:if okay.

[Blueberry]

TRIGGERS      for whole post

As I've already posted, sexual abuse in the family I grew up in had a lot to do with M's fascination with buttocks. .. Anyway, other than M sticking her hands down children's (under)pants and all that, when she spanked (an action she seemed to take pleasure in), the sexualisation was palpable. Not just in her looks but somehow by touch from her hand to my skin. So a reason to behave myself the way FOO and in particular M deemed appropriate was not just to avoid physical pain and humiliation, but to avoid this sexualised feeling. It has followed me to this day: fear of setting any kind of limits towards people in a position of power over me.

And again today in therapy this topic came up. I feel so ashamed, though I know cognitively it's not my shame. Ashamed of even verbalising it, ashamed that it bothers me.

I think it's in "Surviving to Thriving" that caregivers manage to teach you really early on what the boundaries are. Pre-verbal stage. M didn't have to do this stuff too often for me to be constantly striving to not get this punishment. But the fear of it is still deeply, deeply engrained in me.

Today in T I spoke about the time in the summer when I spent a weekend with my godson, his sibs and their mother, who's a good friend of mine, but I was constantly either blowing a fuse or just managing not to. Not relaxing for anybody. My T asked what the feeling was underneath the anger. Fear. And beneath that? Visceral feelings of that type of CSA. There I have my answer: no wonder things were so hard that weekend. I was trying to bottle up all of that. Very pervasive what was done to me because CSA affects so many areas of my life. Not just the obvious and/or common like relationships and body image and food/eating.

[Three Roses]

Very pervasive what was done to me because CSA affects so many areas of my life. Not just the obvious and/or common like relationships and body image and food/eating.

Found myself nodding here. It affects so many areas. Trust, safety, hypervigilance, intimacy, friendships, and on and on the list goes....

[Hope67]

here I get much more compassion. I'm 'heard' more here. So I want to find a better balance and not write too much without having witness to my pain / pain of little Blueberries. Here it's as if I have witnesses in all of you who just say things like: " Standing with you." It can be more, but it doesn't have to be, just that one little sentence is enough to show me I'm not on my own again. I need to be more mindful for me. Becuase when I start feeling guilty towards members of FOO, the hard-won stability I have disintegrates fast. I need my stability to function more or less IRL and to continue to heal.

I know you wrote this a few months ago, but I've just read what you wrote, and I think you're doing so well at processing so many things, and I just wanted to say I'm standing with you 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much Hope, I really appreciate it!