Effects of sexual abuse for me TRIGGER WARNING

[Blueberry]

**TW**


A few days ago I dreamt that F was attempting to touch me in the sexually inappropriate way that M used to do and possibly still does to children. In the dream I was a young adult, certainly not a small child anyway, and I stood up for myself and objected so he didn't touch me. But what he did instead was argue. That it wasn't my decision alone, he had rights too. 

I know that this complete scene didn't happen irl. Touching the way M did  - well, I noticed once within the past 10 years when I managed to stop M doing it to a small child, F went and did it instead Would be good if I felt but I'm not that far along. He wouldn't have noticed that I was stopping her because I did it discreetly. So I don't think he was doing it to get back at me, but more because he didn't see anything wrong with doing it to an infant. At the time I was somewhat shocked: Him too?? But I don't have all these weird visceral feelings in connection with him. I'm 99% sure he didn't do it to me or my sibs when we were children, but possibly babies since he did it to this one baby within the last 10 years.

So the dream was more symbolic: F not accepting my boundaries, F resorting to 'rational' arguments to back up his or some other FOO mbr's inappropriate and abusive behaviour. That's enough on this topic for today.

[Blueberry]

After writing this, I felt shame and guilt: how could I do this to my father - write these accusations in public? I was reminded of T along time ago who first pulled this information out of me and then agreed it was a boundary violation but then later said it wasn't CSA. This T didn't want me in the SA group (inpatient). She also said that I needed to be careful and not say things like this about M because it could ruin our relationship forever.  Our relationship was already ruined due to M's abusive behaviour in multiple ways.

After I wrote the previous post, I actually wanted to delete it - but I didn't! I managed to leave it up.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I'm glad you left this here, and that you didn't delete it. 
I wish I could say something helpful here, but I would like to send you a safe hug, if that's ok. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope. Validation is good all by itself, and so is your hug. 

[MoonBeam]

Hi Blueberry. Once again I am so moved and inspired by your bravery and perseverance. Wanted to send support and a safe 

[Blueberry]

Thank you MoonBeam 

[Not Alone]

Blueberry,
I wish I had words of wisdom. I care.

[Blueberry]

Caring is great on its own, notalone. Idk if there are words of wisdom for this kind of topic. It's the kind where I usually go blank myself.

On the surface I'm feeling OK about this now, at least not triggered and/or images or anything. That could change if I read my post again though. So I won't. There's enough going on irl atm.

[Blueberry]

TRIGGERS     *** CSA and (C)PA ***  for whole post           

As I've already posted, sexual abuse in the family I grew up in had a lot to do with M's fascination with buttocks. .. Anyway, other than M sticking her hands down children's (under)pants and all that, when she spanked (an action she seemed to take pleasure in), the sexualisation was palpable. Not just in her looks but somehow by touch from her hand to my skin. So a reason to behave myself the way FOO and in particular M deemed appropriate was not just to avoid physical pain and humiliation, but to avoid this sexualised feeling. It has followed me to this day: fear of setting any kind of limits towards people in a position of power over me.

I feel so ashamed, though I know cognitively it's not my shame. Ashamed of even verbalising it, ashamed that it bothers me.
...

Today in T I spoke about the time in the summer when I spent a weekend with my godson, his sibs and their mother, who's a good friend of mine, but I was constantly either blowing a fuse or just managing not to. ...My T asked what the feeling was underneath the anger. Fear. And beneath that? Visceral feelings of that type of CSA. ...Very pervasive what was done to me because CSA affects so many areas of my life. Not just the obvious and/or common like relationships and body image and food/eating.

I'm making progress with this topic again. As I wrote over in Successes,Progress I've started standing up to FOO irl and simultaneously staying in my body. In T, we've been working on me staying in my body for aaaages. Ever since I started there undoubtedly and I think that's about 5 years now.

In lots of places - group therapy, yoga, non-trauma-adapted therapy..., you're told to feel a certain body part and its contact with the floor or a chair. It's pretty difficult when as soon as that body part is even mentioned, it starts numbing, you start dissociating... With time in places like yoga, I learned to switch off ahead and/or talk to ICs during and certainly not feel into anything at all. That was all triggered merely by the mention of the word. 

Kazillions times worse when ordinary or visceral memories of what was going on in my childhood came up. I don't even want to think about it but I will try and write about how it was today because it was so much better.

In a dream where I was back home with FOO and probably in my early 20's I was 'put in my place' as particularly M liked to say with some method of physical punishment but since waking I don't know how. It might even have been dealt out by B1 and his fists. No, now I remember it was a clip across the ears by a Narent. It was probably F because he tended to back up the others before I started rocking the FOO boat too much.  They made some excuses about why I'd been punished but I knew fine it was because I'd stood up for myself, though idk what about anymore. They all left the house (Narents, B1 and B2) and for some reason I started cleaning up in the kitchen though I wanted to get it done before they came home so that I could possibly leave for ever before then. They came back before I was finished and claimed that because I was cleaning the kitchen, I obviously felt remorse about my actions preceding the punishment. (FOO was big on coming to these types of conclusions and proclaiming them as the one and only truth.) I know that I contradicted that calmly and although I did do a spot of JADEing / trying to explain some aspect of cptsd to them, I left off soon and I felt OK about it, not "oh no, oh no, what have I done??" but rather "shrug, what can they do to me? Nothing."

I think it's in "Surviving to Thriving" that caregivers manage to teach you really early on what the boundaries are. Pre-verbal stage. M didn't have to do this stuff too often for me to be constantly striving to not get this punishment. But the fear of it is still deeply, deeply engrained in me.

On account of the dream and the fact that I'm still seated on a chair with no numbing whatsoever, this fear is obviously no longer quite so deeply engrained. Which is big progress.

I woke up knowing at least one small IC was involved because I had the impulse to listen and move to lullabies and that type of music. It makes sense too, considering how the fear must have evolved at a pre-verbal stage.

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, supporting you in your process and progress. 

[saylor]

I tend to think of dreams as revealing truths from our deep subconscious. Therefore, the thought that your progress has trickled down to the depths of your dreamlife is very encouraging. I'm happy for you that you've reached this juncture. There's so little that encourages me anymore, but this was good to witness 

[Kizzie]

Sending you and your little ones care, a well done on making progress (very brave!), and a thanks for sharing and inspiring others here to keep on with healing and recovering. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you all for your comments, especially since the topic is a hard one for me to post on or talk about it in general.
saylor, I'm happy that my post has encouraged you.   

[Blueberry]

I had another dream last night which showed me I'm making progress. Just in case I'll give it a *** TW ***

In the dream I was an adult and I had just arrived at my paternal GrM's house but it was after her death. She wasn't there at all. My parents were there and they'd made up a bed for me for the night right next to theirs. My makeshift mattress was touching theirs . True to (my old) form in dealing with FOO, I didn't object or make a fuss, but got into bed. F was originally meant to be beside me and M the other side of him, but instead M got into bed beside me. I lay there pulling into myself, like willing my body to make as much space as possible between it and whatever clothes I was wearing. But I could feel M's spine in places against my back.

Then I was suddenly able to stand up for myself. "This isn't working at all! I'm going upstairs to GrM's old spare bedrooms." M had 'forgotten' about their existence. (Yeah right). In the dream I figured that M hadn't wanted to bother cleaning the spare bedrooms so that's why I was meant to sleep next to my parents' bed. I didn't care about a spot of dust or unvacuumed floor, I just wanted to be on my own.

Somewhat later M came poking around in the spare bedroom, hovering over me. First I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep, but since that didn't work, I again got the courage to stand up for myself. I opened my eyes and told her to leave, which she did. 

In retrospect the reason for my parents assuming I would sleep in their room right next to their bed is irrelevant. The whole situation is in fact a little bit reminiscent of the last time I was with the whole of FOO (where I had to share accommodation with others, although not a bed fortunately), except this time I managed to act before the whole situation got out of control and I managed to act on my own. I didn't need backup or support or encouragement from anybody. I didn't have to phone friends in my home country for help. And in the dream I just had to deal with my parents. No siblings or SILs around (or ghosts of grandparents the way there sometimes are when I'm doing Screen Processing).

I mentioned the dream here https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13773.msg106394#msg106394 earlier today.

[Blueberry]

I'm having dreams again where FOO particularly M turns up. It feels regressive e.g. I'm in a FOO place and can't seem to get out, though I don't remember any of it too clearly when I wake up. No wonder self-care is a bit difficult. One good thing - some healing is definitely going on though because I'm managing to stay in my body and even touch areas that are generally difficult e.g. lower back when I wake up.