To be Candid...

[Candid]

Thank you, sweet Blueberry.

There's still some large-scale self-destruction going on, but I managed to get an application form to the MHO and I have an interview on Tuesday. This is for voluntary peer support work. There's a short training course for starters. Best I can do for now, but I have some Ideas about it.

You see, I believe most if not all MH issues come from bad experiences in infancy. And I want to make recovery from Compromised Caring my life's work now. I doubt I can do it full-throttle in my present circumstances, but I can do it unpaid and see how I get on. It's part of a long-term plan.

As to that psychiatrist, he saw me twice and gave me a prescription for Sertraline. The second appointment he brought in two med students so I could tell them about being misdiagnosed and mismedicated (by force) after my head injury. I emphasised the need for medical and psychiatric professionals to listen to their patients.

I pointed out to him that at the time I chose to go back to my H I was entirely alone and unable to take care of myself, with reference to Maslow's work on the need for belonging. Sad part is I don't feel I belong with H, much less MIL, and that makes me feel very guilty. But I must go on.

Again, thank you so much for caring, and to Blackbird and Three Roses for their faith in me,

[Three Roses]

 

[Blueberry]

Wow, Candid! Way to go!  Just listen to all those plans and the steps you've made so far. I'm seriously impressed. I have faith in you too.

Even if there's still some self-destruction going on. There is in my life too. There were times in the past when I kept the physical self-destruction e.g. the super unhealthy eating under control but I didn't manage anything constructive. All my energy was taken up keeping bad stuff under control. I choose to move forward now even if I'm also self-destructing. I hope that makes sense.

It also sounds as if you are turning your own very bad experiences from infancy / childhood into wanting to help other people, so into something really positive. Go for it!     

And then you told the psychiatrist in no uncertain terms what to do with his remarks  Yay you. 

[Candid]

I choose to move forward now even if I'm also self-destructing. I hope that makes sense.

It does to me! My self-destructing is mostly about cigarettes and coffee. I've long suspected I have caffeine allergy because it winds me up something shocking. Getting out and about will mean I spend less time on the back step with cuppa and fag because there's nothing else to do.

It also sounds as if you are turning your own very bad experiences from infancy / childhood into wanting to help other people, so into something really positive.

I have a theory that our suffering can turn out to be our goldmine, if we keep holding on through the darkest times. I know I would find the work both challenging and rewarding, so I have to assume it will also support me financially.

Thank you both for being on my cheer squad.

[Blueberry]

Getting out and about will mean I spend less time on the back step with cuppa and fag because there's nothing else to do.

That's what I've always found too with all the work I've done through the years whether volunteer or paid. Or even just interests or new hobbies, like my weed collecting and eating. I get out of the house and exercise the old brain and get new input into life and it turns into an upward spiral of healing rather than a downward spiral of stagnating or getting worse. As we probably all know on here, there isn't a continual upward spiral, but still it helps me to see there's progress and hope and helps me keep going. 
All the best to you Candid  Keep us posted.

[Candid]

Getting out and about among other people will make a difference. I look forward to the training course (four consecutive Fridays) when I hope I will have the sense of belonging I crave.

[Blackbird]

You see, I believe most if not all MH issues come from bad experiences in infancy. And I want to make recovery from Compromised Caring my life's work now. I doubt I can do it full-throttle in my present circumstances, but I can do it unpaid and see how I get on. It's part of a long-term plan.

Me too. I have a great dislike of the current diagnosis system. I admire you for pursuing that, that's really amazing. I'm on your cheering squad as well  

[Candid]

Thanks, Blackbird. I believe I can continue to work on myself while helping others, because working will give me confidence and better self-esteem, both sadly lacking at present. Signing up for peer support work is as much as I can do. It depends on an interview tomorrow afternoon whether I will be at the training group this Friday.

[Blueberry]

Getting out and about among other people will make a difference. I look forward to the training course (four consecutive Fridays) when I hope I will have the sense of belonging I crave.

Yay, Candid!
Getting out and about among other people  - I'm sure it will help! I have both on my list of things I have to do each day, because these are things that keep me stable from day-to-day. Real, non-digital, contact with at least one person daily and going outside. I get a lot from nature / greenery so that can just be the garden, but then I might see and speak to a neighbour too. That's not to say that nature/greenery has the same effect on everybody so I'm sorry if I misunderstood your previous post, that your focus is on being among other people.

I know also so well craving that sense of belonging . Though it has lessened over the years of healing, actually.

Good luck with your interview tomorrow! They must see that you're a Treasure! You do so much peer support here.

[sanmagic7]

o candid, it's been so long since i've weighed in here, but i've got to admit, i'm so proud of you and what you're planning, what you're doing, what you're realizing.  quite impressive, sister! 

i've found that helping people also helps me.  often i learn something that had been just out of reach because i get to hear it through their reactions, words, and responses.  i think you'll do great at this.  you've shown so much caring and wisdom on this forum, it could only translate to real life in the most beneficial of ways.

good luck with your interview or audition or whatever it is.  i sincerely hope it goes just the way you want.  yay, you!!!   love and a big hug!

[Candid]

Getting out and about among other people  - I'm sure it will help!

I hoped so too. I was accepted into the training group and showed up for the first day yesterday. Far from a sense of belonging, I was closer to what the * am I doing here? We did a lot of splitting into groups or pairs, and a lot of writing on big sheets of paper with coloured pens. In fact we were told we could draw instead of write, but I drew the line at that. At every step we were praised and encouraged as if we were in kindergarten. I'd gone there with the briefcase I used for university, and couldn't help comparing the two scenarios. How have I fallen so far???

quite impressive, sister! 

I'm impressed that I went so far as to apply and join up, but am now casting around for what door to push on next. Yesterday's session was five hours, as the other three will be. I felt absolutely shattered by the end of it. I know it's an option not to go again, simply to return all their 'training materials' on Monday, but I feel the need to have something else in place. I am really floundering here.

i've found that helping people also helps me.  often i learn something that had been just out of reach because i get to hear it through their reactions, words, and responses.

I agree. I've done adult counselling in the past and got a lot out of it, but that isn't the expectation from this training. It's more about facilitating social outings and in-house activities for groups of people with mental illness, all of whom have standard diagnoses and are encouraged to take their mind-numbing meds. It felt like a very low-energy group yesterday, in shabby surroundings that are a pain to get to on public transport.

At the end of it the co-ordinator did a go-round about what we'd each got from the day. Others were saying they felt less alone and had learned a lot. I sat there feeling more alone and had learned zip. She saw the look on my face and told me I didn't have to say anything if I didn't want to. I should add, as if it's relevant, that I was by far the oldest person in the room.

I need trauma counselling like... years ago. I need one person IRL to know where I've been, and what it's taken to hang on this long. Because I'm feeling estranged from the whole human race today, and it's just too damned hard.

[sanmagic7]

 dearest candid, is this the right place for you?  i get what you mean when you said you got there w/ your uni briefcase but were being praised like a kindergartner.  is that really a fall, tho? 

working with the mentally ill is not for everyone, that's for sure.  maybe it's just not your scene.  are you going to give it another shot, see if anything washes out differently for you?  if nothing else, i don't personally see it as a fall, but as a learning opportunity.   would it help to speak with the co-ordinator about what this type of training is supposed to produce for you? 

i know i've got nothing but questions here.   i wish it could've been more productive to you, that you could've gotten that sense of camaraderie and belonging in the group.  just my perspective, but if it were me, i think i'd go back one more time, see what happens, what the expectations are.  maybe it's actually counter-productive to your needs.  i don't know.

i do so wish you can get that trauma counseling you want and need asap, candid.  my heart is with you on this.  soon, please, soon, help my sister!  i'm sending that message out to the universe.  big hug!

[Blueberry]

I'm so sorry, Candid, that it turned out not to be what you were looking for / what you thought it would be. I'd encourage you to try the second session, but only you really know deep down whether it's anything for you. Being exhausted afterwards could be a good sign for me, meaning that something had been going on internally.

"At every step we were praised and encouraged as if we were in kindergarten. I'd gone there with the briefcase I used for university, and couldn't help comparing the two scenarios. How have I fallen so far???" FWIW The first time art therapy was suggested to me (about 20 years ago) I thought "What a waste of time!". I've sure changed my mind on that one.  I've done a lot of inner child work in groups where it was just brilliant that we got to draw and play and all sorts. I didn't see it as falling, more as looking at different aspects of myself and opening avenues that had never been opened up before. Moving out of cognitive only. It was very healing. It could be useful to have more of these avenues open for working with the mentally ill too. I often used to praise my inner children with age-appropriate language, and I did/do have kindergarten age Inners. Maybe you can imagine the praise going to your inner children instead of big Adult Candid?

Agree though with sanmagic that it's time that the powers-that-be give you your trauma counselling!

I hope you don't feel estranged from this community here? Sadly we aren't IRL support for you. 

[sanmagic7]

i think blueberry brought up a good point.  i've done art therapy along the way and have found it particularly interesting and helpful, coming at this stuff from a different angle.  to see what's coming from my brain/mind pictorially has often given me a greater grasp of what i was dealing with.

whatever works for you, candid, of course.  with you all the way, sweetie.

[Candid]

Thank you both for encouraging me to keep going. The third session (last Friday) was great. We broke into pairs to tell our stories and things suddenly got real.

Final one is this week, then we'll be given our certificates and launched as volunteers. I'm hoping this will inspire and assist me to find paid work.