cousin moved away - scapegoating & feeling triggered

[silentsurvivor23]

My cousin and I are similar ages and grew up together. Considered my cousins siblings as we grew up together in frequent contact. Years ago I moved far away from my immediate FOO, been LC with them and also with my cousin. Everyone criticized that I'd moved away including extended family and efforts over the years have been made to guilt me into moving back.  Last I spoke to my cousin she made comments on how she could never live so far away from family like I did and family means too much to her to do that....

Anyway, my cousin has very young babies and often relied heavily on her family members for financial support. I've always suspected her immediate FOO had some major abuse issues, despite her denial (we share the same toxic grandmother) and other members of her family have threatened her husband physically with death threats in the past. Well recently she suddenly moved her family several states away with very short notice. My aunt immediately disowned her, refuses to talk to her anymore and my family let me know. Cousin told me they moved because they were sick of the state - but seems to me that they made a swift decision to remove themselves from a toxic situation. Seeing my family's reaction to this (especially Aunt) and the chaos that followed - my FOO sending me message after message, flooding my inbox about how ridiculous she is being, how outrageous to remove the grand kids from their grandma (my aunt) has given me some perspective on how *blind* these people are to the obvious. 

Felt proud of my cousin for trying to make a healthy decision for her children but also triggered and angry when my family was so invalidating and ignorant to what's really going on and in a way related the situation to what I had done. Was certain I would somehow get blamed for encouraging her to do what I did even though we never talk. I not-so-subtly let my grandmother and other family members know that perhaps something was wrong there and she tried to escape the toxic/abusive situation to protect her kids. It's as if I didn't even say anything....went right over their heads and they were back to just putting her down and 'oh my god how could she do this to your aunt and the poor babies??' It's really enlightening but also frustrating and makes me wonder why it's important I even know about this? They would not stop gossiping and trying to get me involved in this smear campaign against my cousin and her husband (they especially came down hard on him) and I want nothing to do with it. In the last message from my mother she made a comment about how my poor poor victimized aunt can't even walk past diapers without tearing up and then she went on to say how she totally gets it because sometimes when she goes by places we used to be together she starts crying too. I've had enough. I haven't responded and I want nothing to do with this new drama or any more of this ridiculousness. The level of invalidation is through the roof and I will not stand for supporting abusive behavior anymore.

[Blueberry]

Good for you, silentsurvivor, for standing up to this in your head at least. 

[silentsurvivor23]

Thanks for the support Blueberry, means a lot. At least there's freedom now for my own opinion even inside myself. It's frustrating - wish actually standing up to this would accomplish something - feels like making comments to the wall, wasted effort and somewhat pointless. There's no capacity there for understanding, no way to get through, that's the saddest part. All I guess I can do is limit my interaction to protect myself and what I allow in my life.