Hi, I'm new here

[bazou]

Hey, My name is bazou. I found this forum last night and decided to register this morning.

Some past trauma I had suppressed came back to haunt me last year. As I starting working through the process of dealing with this, the floodgates opened and all the pain from all the trauma in my life came smacking me in the face.

I started looking for help, did a lot of soul searching, went to see a spiritual healer, started therapy, etc. I wasn't officially diagnosed, but after 3 professionals telling me I was showing clear signs of PTSD, I started reading up about it. Then I found the term 'C-PTSD' which seamed to be more applicable in my case, and that was it. As I read about what C-PTSD was, I couldn't believe how everything I had ever felt in my life was right there in black and white.

I've been working through this but still struggling with triggers and all the noise in my head. And the sadness. I've been in fight or flight mode my entire life, and I don't know how to shut that off.

This has trickled into my marriage, and we just hit a wall. For the first time, I am seeing clearly how my relationship, which for the first few years was a haven for me, has now become a trigger.

Anyway... dealing with all this but right now, it's *. And desperately need to let this stuff out so here I am .

[mourningdove]

Welcome!

[Three Roses]

Welcome, bazou! We place a lot of importance on safety and anonymity here, so I edited your real name out. Hope you understand.

I think Cptsd will eventually be classed as its own disorder and not just lumped in with ptsd in the DSM. Until then, a lot of us have had to educate ourselves so we could educate our therapists, so we can get helpful help instead of treatment that just leaves us wounded more.

Our Resources section has some documents you can print out to take to therapists, doctors and others. I learned a lot from reading them - it's helpful info for us too!  here's a link to them  - http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/

Hope this helps! Thanks for joining

[bazou]

Welcome!

Thanks

[bazou]

Welcome, bazou! We place a lot of importance on safety and anonymity here, so I edited your real name out. Hope you understand.

I think Cptsd will eventually be classed as its own disorder and not just lumped in with ptsd in the DSM. Until then, a lot of us have had to educate ourselves so we could educate our therapists, so we can get helpful help instead of treatment that just leaves us wounded more.

Our Resources section has some documents you can print out to take to therapists, doctors and others. I learned a lot from reading them - it's helpful info for us too!  here's a link to them  - http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/

Hope this helps! Thanks for joining

Yes, just noticed that. Should've thought about it, my bad. Yeah, I has some PTSD from one specific event which is now over, but this lead me down the rabbit hole  wanting to finally address some other stuff I felt. I always knew there were things in my reactions, patterns in my relationships, etc that weren't right. I always knew that critical voice in my head was messed up. I couldn't understand why I was still feeling like I was in fight or flight mode constantly until now. I just didn't know how to explain how I felt. I didn't know what was wrong with me.

Thank you for these resources, I will take a look at them now

[sanmagic7]

welcome, bazou, glad you found us.

i've found this forum to be ever so helpful in unraveling the twists, turns, and confusions that has been my life.   i was definitely in a state of not knowing what was going on or why.  not only have i gotten a lot of answers here, but a ton of support, validation, caring, and kindness from the wonderful people who are going through their own recovery journeys. 

best to you, always.

[bazou]

welcome, bazou, glad you found us.

i've found this forum to be ever so helpful in unraveling the twists, turns, and confusions that has been my life.   i was definitely in a state of not knowing what was going on or why.  not only have i gotten a lot of answers here, but a ton of support, validation, caring, and kindness from the wonderful people who are going through their own recovery journeys. 

best to you, always.

Thanks so much!

[Candid]

As I read about what C-PTSD was, I couldn't believe how everything I had ever felt in my life was right there in black and white.

I know! I can remember the day my sister told me on the phone that it was obvious I'd been the scapegoat, how I googled the word and one thing led to another... and here I am. I'd been in the fog more than 50 years, thinking I was the bad person FOO said I was, and there were loads of other people like me! 

I've been in fight or flight mode my entire life, and I don't know how to shut that off.

I did that all the way up to a few months ago when I deliberately put myself in a supportive situation where I'm acutely uncomfortable, with one or two people around most of the time, after living alone and isolating myself for so many years. I'm aiming to get comfortable with this drastic change of lifestyle simply because running is no longer an option. It never did me any good before.

my relationship, which for the first few years was a haven for me, has now become a trigger.

I'm sorry to hear it. With CPTSD and a history of abuse it's difficult to sort out what's reasonable behaviour, isn't it?

Anyway... dealing with all this but right now, it's *. And desperately need to let this stuff out so here I am .

I'm glad you are. Sorry about the *, but all of us on the forum are right there with you.

[bazou]

I know! I can remember the day my sister told me on the phone that it was obvious I'd been the scapegoat, how I googled the word and one thing led to another... and here I am. I'd been in the fog more than 50 years, thinking I was the bad person FOO said I was, and there were loads of other people like me! 

I never spoke to anyone about the constant dialogue in my head, until very recently for the first time to my therapist. I've lived a life with a lot of mental illness around me. I was afraid of telling people how messed up I was. I kept up appearances really well my entire life. Nobody had a clue. People close to me knew I had 'baggage'. They knew my mom was abusive. But "we all have baggage", "I'll get over it", "I got this". I've been an overachiever my entire life. I still am. I'm presently running 2 small businesses from home and going to school full time. I have 2 kids - a teenager and a toddler - a husband (and 2 cats, I can't leave them out  ). I'm averaging 95% in all my classes, and my clients love me.  But when I am alone, the noise in my head make me insane. The sadness and loneliness are horrendous.  The constant doubt, punishing myself, the guilt, the obsessive thoughts, the paralyzing fear of being abandoned. Again. And again. And again.

I never knew what that was. I thought I was bipolar for a while. And here I read about the 'inner-critic' and I just want to cry because it's all starting to make sense to me. Finally. After 40 years, I'm starting to put the pieces together. Now that I understand it, it's onward and upwards. But holy wow is this intense right now.

I did that all the way up to a few months ago when I deliberately put myself in a supportive situation where I'm acutely uncomfortable, with one or two people around most of the time, after living alone and isolating myself for so many years. I'm aiming to get comfortable with this drastic change of lifestyle simply because running is no longer an option. It never did me any good before.

I'm trying to do the equivalent now which is being completely honest with myself and those around me about my feelings. I can't do it anymore. I'm emotionally exhausted. Also, despite the self-loathing, I have had times in my life where my self-esteem was at its best (or was it a manic episode? I still wonder about that...) and I think I got a taste of who the authentic me is, and it was a beautiful thing. I want that again, but this time, permanently.

I have taken this up with my partner, which is why we are in a crisis right now.

I'm sorry to hear it. With CPTSD and a history of abuse it's difficult to sort out what's reasonable behaviour, isn't it?

It really is. My partner is not an abuser. I am actually starting to suspect he himself suffers from C-PTSD. He was violently bullied as a child and teenager and has struggled for years with abandonment issues (his parents divorced when he was 2 and his dad was an absentee father). I am just now understanding that both of us together have created these unhealthy patterns. He triggers me by not always providing the kind of safety I so badly need (he didn't understand it until now), I trigger him by lashing out with anger and hurting him. It's been a vicious cycle. I see it clearly now and want to fix it. He doesn't "get it" yet, but after a week of blow ups, almost calling it quits (I almost walked out last week, he almost walked out this past Sunday), hours of crying and talking, we've made progress and are starting couples therapy next week.

I am hopeful. But then there is the part of me that is terrified. That he won't fight for me. That he won't be willing to do what needs to be done to fix this. That, like others before, he will say "I didn't sign up for this" and walk away. In which case, I know in my heart I will have to move on. And that terrifies me. Because I do love him. I love our life together. I love our kids. And I know that we have the potential for greatness as we have been (not now, but over 10 years) great friends, and haver partnered through some incredible challenges together (custody issues, infertility issues, and the list goes on). I am so afraid right now.

I'm glad you are. Sorry about the *, but all of us on the forum are right there with you.

Thank you so much for this.