Hey guys. New here.

[Blackbird]

Hi everyone, Blackbird here. The one from the Beatles song 

So, I have a bunch of mental disorders, the most focal point being Bipolar, GAD and, recently in remission, OCD. I was diagnosed with PTSD from past abusive relationships, until yesterday a breakthrough in therapy made me and my therapist realize it's probably CPTSD from my childhood. A lot of blocked memories and memory gaps in between years. All my mental disorders are under control at the moment, I had a recent PTSD trigger when an abusive ex tried to get back into my life, but that solved itself out with medication and lots of therapy that led to that moment yesterday.

The thing is, I actually live with my mother that emotionally abused me for all my life, along but differently than my deceased father, and I have no way of getting out now, no money, no job, no college degree, nothing. My past is a train wreck that I'm now recovering from, and it's a long way to go until I'm fully ready to get back out there. Still have a long way to go, but I'm patient and have a good support system in place with my doctors, and my recovery has been solid and reasonably resilient.

My abuser is older now and doesn't have a hold on me. I can affirm my boundaries, which I already did before I understood I was actually emotionally abused and gaslighted. The sad part about all this is that the gaslighting worked so well, because I actually did have a psychotic episode, did land in the hospital screaming that they abused me, and no one believes me now. So I feel lonely, hence coming here and trying to connect with people who've been through something similar.

Hoping to get to know you better,
Cheers!

[Candid]

Hi Blackbird! I love your sweet voice.

I have a bunch of mental disorders, the most focal point being Bipolar, GAD and, recently in remission, OCD.

According to Pete Walker, http://pete-walker.com/, CPTSD is very commonly misdiagnosed as all sorts of things -- which might explain why all your mental disorders feel "under control" with yesterday's breakthrough.

My abuser is older now and doesn't have a hold on me. I can affirm my boundaries, which I already did before I understood I was actually emotionally abused and gaslighted.

This is terrific!  Being able to keep your abuser in her place saves you having to go No Contact. Kudos!

I feel lonely, hence coming here and trying to connect with people who've been through something similar.

I've got a train wreck past, too, and as I try (after a six-year layoff) to find work, I realise I look seriously flaky on paper.

Take heart, Blackbird. You're among friends here. 

[Blueberry]

Hi Blackbird. 

I had to look up the Beatles' song because I'd forgotten the lyrics. Makes a good name for people in our kind of position!

You sound very self-aware, and strong. Good job for having built up a good support system and getting a solid foundation on the road to recovery. That takes hard work and courage! As does being able to affirm your boundaries and prevent your mother from having a hold on you.
I don't live with my parents, in fact, I live far away, but I'm still pretty enmeshed and am only now beginning to really set limits and learn to live with and then get over the fear that my limit may not be accepted. FOO (family of origin) may fight back etc. I can't imagine how it would be for me if I still lived with my parents. So well  done you, for managing.

I hope you start to feel less lonely as you get to know some of us. You'll probably see that many of us have similar symptoms, so that way we can all feel less lonely and more understood.   

[Blackbird]

Hey Candid, thank you!

CPTSD is very commonly misdiagnosed as all sorts of things -- which might explain why all your mental disorders feel "under control" with yesterday's breakthrough.

I will take a look at Pete Walker's website, thank you. You misunderstood me, the other disorders were already undercontrol. It's on the table between me and my docs that all my anxiety disorders stem from the CPTSD, so they're not exactly misdiagnosis, just different symptoms of different things. But hey, what matters for me it's the symptoms, not exactly the labels. Fortunately I'm able to manage my symptoms pretty well, and the compulsions and obsessions cleared with hard work!  The lingering anxiety is still here unfortunately...

Hey Blueberry, thank you for the warm welcome It does take a lot of strenght. Since yesterday it's like I woke up from a dream and finally someone believes me, my therapist (I go to other mental health forums, don't know how we might call therapists here) was very adamant in me recognizing the signs of abuse in our last session. We work with different things but now we have a therapeutic approach that is working really well, and I'll stick to it.

Thanks again for the warm welcome.

[killingGiants]

Hello Blackbird; I am new here, as of today, as well.   I have recently read a book, 'Trauma and Recovery' by Judith Herman, MD... Wow! talk about 'learning to know thy self'... I have a Therapist now, and have done my own Healing Path for most of my life, and yet, I am still learning about all of the 'effects' of CPTSD due to chronic abuse... Awareness is half the battle they say, and I am  one for 'knowing' my self, to be my best every day, even during the really bad ones   I am very happy for you and the 'recognition', one of those 'huge hills' we all climb daily   (I call them killing giants)   I look forward to sharing with this group, and thank you for sharing, L

[Blackbird]

Thanks L, for the welcome and welcome you too  I will look for that book, seems interesting, thank you!

[Candid]

Since yesterday it's like I woke up from a dream and finally someone believes me, my therapist [...] was very adamant in me recognizing the signs of abuse in our last session.

S/he sounds like a good one. In more than 30 years of the mental health system I haven't come across one who insists on calling abuse abuse. That left me floundering and questioning my own perceptions for the first 25 years of therapy.

[Blackbird]

I feel your pain, Candid. It's my first time actually, I had given up on calling it abuse actually, I just thought "well, all families are dysfunctional". Actually, it was a surprise for me to hear the word abuse, tears came to my eyes.

What sort of therapy do you do?

[bazou]

Hi Blackbird, I'm new here too! The energy that comes through your message is strength and resilience

I'm also on my own journey. This place looks like a great place for support and as in outlet for talking and resources. Sending good vibes your way 

[Blackbird]

Hey bazou  Thank you, good vibes back!

[Candid]

What sort of therapy do you do?

I'm not a therapist myself, but your question made me think about what kinds of therapy I've had. The first (I was 26) was crisis therapy, just six weeks with a very perceptive woman who unfortunately had to refer me on under the contract terms. She made it clear my mother had been at best negligent and uncaring. I don't know what the next kind was called but it involved me having to carry the 50 minutes while the therapist took notes, then she summed up and made observations at the end. I spent a lot of time there just crying, and it was expensive, too.   There was a nice trainee counsellor who called a spade a spade and said things he "wasn't supposed to say" but which were eye-openers for me. I was in my 40s by then. About 10 years later I had CBT; not helpful at the time but with hindsight I see there was some good, simple tools. Finally when I was 56 I met a trauma therapist who told me about CPTSD and used EMDR to treat it. There was a boundary issue with her; she got me to edit reams of stuff in lieu of payment, and we often spent half my session talking about our writing. From there I went to a hynotherapist, a lovely woman who failed to shift my smoking and drinking, much less my CPTSD. And now I'm on a waiting list for trauma therapy.

It's not like I go back to therapy each time with stars in my eyes. After each failure I typically vow never again, then get in such a state that I feel compelled to try again. Why would I think anything's going to 'work' after all that? I don't. But we have to keep hoping, don't we?

[Blackbird]

Oh man, that's harsh. And very unlucky.

I went through a couple myself. I'm currently doing a mix of therapies with my therapist, CBT/Construtivism and other stuff he finds useful, which is good because it's not locked into one position. I was lucky to find this therapist, I had sworn off therapists for years.

The last one was set on not helping me at all, we kept playing the blame game and no actual help in focusing on the problems. Probably because I wasn't really into it, either, we need to be open too right? It was psychoanalysis so the focus was on what my fault was, I was fresh out of my teen years and needed more structure than actually just sit with cries for help one after the other with no conclusion. I couldn't afford him anymore and stopped going altogether. He called me a few years later asking how I was, but I never really got if he really understood the source of the problem. I wasn't in a good place either, other mental issues started to arise then.

[bazou]

I feel your pain, Candid. It's my first time actually, I had given up on calling it abuse actually, I just thought "well, all families are dysfunctional". Actually, it was a surprise for me to hear the word abuse, tears came to my eyes.

I never thought I would find others talking about such incredibly specific things that have been such a recurrent theme in my life. This is something that resonates with me so acutely as it's happened over and over in my life. I had the same reaction the first time a therapist referred to what I went through as abuse. I come from a relatively old-school old-fashioned upbringing. My entire life, it was shrugged of as a 'rough childhood, your mom was a bit nuts, you'll get over it'. Yet I was so broken inside. Years of having your pain ignored, minimized, ridiculed, used against you, etc. will certainly do a number on your soul. I feel you.

[killingGiants]

You are 'welcome' BBird... Love the quote on your reply, excellent L

[Blackbird]

Thanks killingGiants  Hope we can kill some giants on the way!

bazou... It's common, unfortunately all sorts of abuse, even the minor ones that still leave scars are still regarded as common and acceptable in most cultures. Even if there are groups of people saying "That isn't right", you'll have people doing whatever they want inside their own homes. Therapists are no different, they will think what was taught to them to think. I think we're moving past that, with the newer generations, or at least I hope so.