My Story (Trigger Warning)

[lijygr]

Hey, so I posted on here last night and I just wanted to say thank you to the people that replied if you're reading this too, but one of you was totally right, by shutting off from bad feelings you shut off from good ones too and I didn't know how to respond to your kindness.

I don't know where to start and I think I had issues before anything used to happen, my dad is a lovely man but he has boundary issues, what he thinks is funny may be bordering on innappropriate, but never with bad intentions. My mum is a neurotic freak but this isn't about her. I could waste so much time on my mother issues.

The first abuse was from my cousin when I was around eight and he would have been around 13. We were playing a card game which turned into a form of strip poker or something, he told me I was losing and everytime I lost I had to take off a bit of clothes and when we both had none left he said the next part was to have sex and I just wanted to be liked so I did as I was told. The next time was a few years later and this went on for a few years. It was a brother and sister up the road (now that I'm older I realise they probably where abused cause kids don't do that normally, but I'm sorry I don't  care, I had things happen to me and I would never have touched another kid!) they used to make us watch porn videos and look at magazines and the reinact what we had seen. I have blocked alto of that period out so that's all I really remember.

The last one was when I was about 13 and it went on for a few years as well. This guy looked like your typical bikie and had done a drive by shooting and moved I interstate to hide, (he was my brother and sisters friend) I didn't know any of that until after, but even still there would be no way a person like that would ever be any where near my teenage daughter and my parents let him but they did and why they were upstairs he was downstairs with me getting me so drunk and so high that I'd agree to anything. I remember him telling me that no one liked me and no one would care about me as much as he would and as a result I secluded myself from my friends and all I had was him to keep feeding this notion. One night I wanted to go to someone's birthday party and he said no, so I was just going to go but be was waiting in the car park of my work and he caught me trying to sneak out the back, he took me home and screamed at me.

I have two kids to a man that just doesn't understand and makes me feel so bad for having trouble with sex and keeps telling me if I don't fix it he will leave and if it was the other way around he would have left cause it wasn't fair, he has absolutely no concept on how much this has messed with my ability to remotely function like a normal person. I can't handle getting made to feel like a failure of a woman for not enjoying intimacy and the way that every single person, media article, TV show or movie goes on about it I think something is fundamentally wrong with me as a person, shouldn't it be over, like what happened happened its not that bad and I could have stopped it, so why am I failing as an adult?

[Rain]

Thank you for sharing more, lijygr.    It is a lot of hurt that you went through clearly.   Sorry you went through so much, and to this day.

Do stay, read posts to see your self here, and do share more as things resonate for you in the topics.

You've taken several steps in the Healing Journey so far here at the forum.   I'm glad you are here.

[zazu]

Hi lijygr,

The first thing I want to ask is, do you have a therapist? 'Cos if your partner is that unsupportive and demanding, it's going to be re-triggering your trauma all the time, in a place where you should be able to feel safe and get some relief. You need a safe environment, and a therapist would be a good place to start, if you don't have one already.

I hope this forum will help you begin healing.

[Sandals]

Welcome, lijygr 

That is a lot of hurt and fear for little lijygr to endure. And I'm hearing you blame her for not stopping it - but it's not her fault. Those other people were older and knew what they were doing; or if they didn't, they had adults in their lives that knew what they were doing and should have intervened before it happened. Whatever choices you made when you were little were the right ones based on your child-like understanding of the world. You were innocent.

It sounds to me like your partner is putting some false ideas into your head - and you are, quite rightly, rejecting them! You may be doing it consciously or unconsciously, but you are making the right moves. "You" do not need to be "fixed"; you are not broken. What you need is love, time and support to heal these wounds from your past. A therapist would be very helpful or a support group. And we are also here to support you, this is a safe place to share and to see that others are also dealing with some similar issues...and we all struggle, but we are all moving towards healing.

Keep posting and reading, you will find a lot of support here to help you with some more supportive choices in your life.

[voicelessagony2]

You were innocent.

"You" do not need to be "fixed"; you are not broken. What you need is love, time and support to heal these wounds from your past. 

This ^^^ cannot be said enough.

Please stop blaming little lijygr. See her for the innocent girl who was misled, manipulated, and taken advantage of. Not to mention neglected.

FWIW, I had similar things happen, once when I was 4 and again at 16 and 18, then again at 35, and I blamed myself, too, except for the time I was 4. More than once I found myself in relationships with issues exactly like you are describing. I did not want to "fail" in my role as wife or girlfriend, but I had lost all interest in intimacy, so I started looking for help like you are now. In the long run, I learned that I actually had nothing wrong with my sex drive! The problem was that I did not have feelings for them because they were abusive douche bags, but I had blinded myself to their faults because I wanted the security of the relationship.

You are not alone lijygr! 

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh man.    I'm so sad that you had to go through all this. No wonder you have trouble with sex. Who wouldn't! I've got two kids of my own, so I can second absolutely what you said: that guy wouldn't ever have been allowed to be alone in a room with anyone who wasn't an ex-Navy Seal or something. When I was a young teen, I was molested by a classmate, but it was mild. Compared to what you went through, it was barely anything. It was very difficult for a long while to stop being ashamed and guilty. It's difficult even now. I'm starting to think that the event made me less able to cope with other difficult things that happened around that time - it was like the molestation put me on the road towards taking all the guilt and blame upon myself instead of having a healthy sense of what's right and fair. -- In hindsight, that makes me even angrier at whoever caused this - both for me and for you. For years, I'd assumed that if things soured between me and a friend, or me and my FOO, or me and my husband, it MUST be the fault of my issues. And it took so long for me to realize that sometimes, people just act like jerks, and it's nothing I "caused". Jerkiness happens.

I can't handle getting made to feel like a failure of a woman for not enjoying intimacy and the way that every single person, media article, TV show or movie goes on about it I think something is fundamentally wrong with me as a person, shouldn't it be over, like what happened happened its not that bad and I could have stopped it, so why am I failing as an adult?

  It's easier now that I'm older, because (fancy that) there aren't that many media portrayals that tell you fourty-something women have to be seductive. If any middle-aged woman is shown to be seductive, you can bet on it that she's got black hair, cold eyes, and a desire to bathe in the blood of virgins to prolong her youth. It's funny, even knowing that most of what one sees in the media is sexist b*llsh*t, it still affects me.

[Badmemories]

 

So sorry that You had to go through all that... It is NOT easy to work through it. Do You have a therapist to help You with that? If you go to a Abuse crisis center with counseling usually that is free! They can help You will that!

I think that the abuse that I went through did not affect My sex life for some reason  :blink:not sure why? I did go to counseling for it though.

I wrote:

Sometimes everything gets so complicated for me..Rain You really simplified this thing called healing..
We have to be out of Denial to what happened to Us in order to look at it.
We have to be willing to look at the incidents of out lives as the inner child felt them.
When We look at them We have to rephrase them see schrödinger's cat post,
          http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=66.msg766#msg766 rephrasing woorkpiece 
http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=66.msg709#msg709
We have to take a look at the incidents as the Adult looking at how the Inner child saw the incident, and how as an Adult they really were.
Then We have to resolve it within ourselves. For me it is crying! Letting the inner child express HOW SHE/HE felt.
Then We should feel some sort of cataract release.
If We don't then we need to revisit the incident until the inner child tells Us more about the incident.

the link is here where We discussed this

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=571.0

again so sorry...NONE of this stuff should have been done to You You are NOT responsible for the SA that was done to YOU the adults in this matter should have been looking out for this type of thing.. Another sign that some of Our parents should NOT have been parents.   

Keep on keeping on!

[lijygr]

Hey all, thank you for your replies, coming on here I never actually imagined that people would respond the way the have, I thought it was going to be how it always was that because it wasnt violent I must have brought it upon myself. And someone said that was denial (can't remember if it was this post or the last) but your totally right, it's easier to completely hate myself rather then feel what's underneath. My post was edited to remove details and that kinda made me think that maybe it was a bit worse then I thought it was. Yes I do have a therapist who I have been seeing on and off for four years now, I was actually her that suggested I try and find something like this to talk to people. She does schema therapy, which is like what you guys were discussing in the post that was attached. It's all about the different modes you slip into and my main one would be detached protector mode where I shut down from everything and don't feel anything, but that just shuts me off from the good things as well. I can attach the information sheet if you guys are interested. I haven't really gotten into a lot with her, most of our time together on symptom management and she didn't think I could handle it or was ready, and even though I hated her for it she was totally right. It's been over a year since I have coped using certain methods which I'm scared to post about cause that was removed from my post as well. But we are starting to get into it now and I can feel it derailing my mental health and wanting to go back to old habits, but I'm too scared to tell her cause I don't want it to stop or her to be disappointed with me. I know I talked about the partner I'm with now and I really am torn to what I should do, the more I say he is a lovely guy and defend the things he says the more I wonder if lovely guys really do say these things, but maybe it's just me, him and people from my past tell me I won't find anyone as good as them and ill be alone and miserable forever, maybe this as good as I can't get.  But I don't think ill get over that notion but I do know that deep down this relationship isn't working and I don't know how to get out, my kids are only really young and I don't want to be away from them and when he is t saying that he can prove that I'm mentally unstable cause I tried to kill myself like 6 years ago now and had to be taken to hospital, he wants 50 50 custody and that means I won't be there for half my children's life and that would be crushing, they saved me. But in the same note our issues aside he is a good dad and I wouldn't want to take his kids away from him I have seen first hand what that does to families. Again I'm sorry if this post is a bit all over the shop it's hard to focus my mind on this cause my natural reaction is to shut it down. Also I'm having trouble following the abbreviations is there like a list of them somewhere

[voicelessagony2]

You will find abbreviations here: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=61.0

If that link doesn't work, just go to the main page and the second post from the top is "Acronyms and glossary", it's in there.

It's amazing how writing things down forces you to shift focus, even just a little bit helps! Do you journal? I am just beginning to, I am not consistent but I have noticed that nearly every time I do, I discover something new. It's different on paper than it is inside your head.

[neenonee]

Lily, don't feel too awfully bad for not enjoying intimacy that much, especially comparing it to what the media shows. What they show is a joke. They never seem to show mothers tired after long days at work and/or with their children, cooking, cleaning, etc. They never show or even hint at the less glamorous aspects of sex. TV is not reality. While sex can be nice, it's a very small part of daily life unless you are a 20-year-old guy or a sex addict or something. And there was just a study out that said women's drive is much more complicated than a man's. So what the typical guy wants often isn't the same as the typical women wants. One of my co-workers cracked me up once when she said she'd rather have Christmas any day of the week than sex. Problem is, Christmas only comes once a year.

[Badmemories]

I did find some videos on U tube...I have the GD's around and did not listen to them there are several for the husband to listen to... I will give You the main link!

The video that I am sending the link to is for Husbands and is religious, but the facts are good... then on the side there are many more for healing from CSA. Be careful though... don't try and watch  them too fast! 

Trigger trigger trigger trigger trigger trigger trigger Trigger trigger trigger trigger trigger trigger trigger

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LabfE6BQ7dI

       
Keep on keeping on!

[Badmemories]

Your Very Welcome! 

Keep on keeping on.