Petty grievances - keep letting them slide?

[voicelessagony2]

I feel almost silly for bringing this here, but I want a sanity check.

This is about house cleaning. Well, it's probably much more than just house cleaning, but for some reason our conflicts seem to happen there.

I moved in with my boyfriend over 3 years ago, and the house was like an episode of "hoarders." It was a nightmare, and being unemployed for the following year, I spent nearly every day for most of that time getting it under control. I threw away bags and bags of trash, every step of the way expecting to find a dead animal or something!  He's not a hoarder, as he had no issues with me throwing stuff away; I guess he is just lazy or maybe some other issues there.

Every once in a while, some little disaster happens, because, that's life, stuff happens. The washing machine flooded, or the dog peed on the floor, or whatever, but if for whatever reason I didn't get it completely handled, and he has to do one single flippin house chore, he loses his sh*t. What that means is exactly this: After angrily doing said chore, huffing and puffing loudly the whole time, he complains to me about it, and it always sounds like this: "You know, I don't mind doing this once in a while, but in the future, would you mind please doing ____ ?" (fill in the blank with something I do ALL THE DAM TIME!)

When the washing machine flooded a couple months ago, he interrogated me relentlessly. How long was the water sitting there? Exactly where did the water go? Show me! How long before you noticed it? How did this happen??? OK, so that's not directly blaming, but the attitude behind those questions was undoubtedly accusatory in nature. The fact was, and I explained to him, that the drain hose simply slipped out of the drain hole because it wasn't secure, and I fixed it already with a zip tie. And guess who installed the washer? He did. So, even when I showed him the hose and how I fixed it, he still insisted that it was not possible that it just fell out, and so it's just this big mystery how it happened. 

Last night, I was looking for a pencil on his desk. I clean his desk every once in a while when I get sick of seeing the piles of mail, empty boxes, and garbage - empty soda bottles, wrappers, napkins, etc., not to mention crumbs and spills. As I was searching, I jokingly said, "this is a disaster! I had this so clean!" and he immediately "joked" back at me saying "You? I cleaned it last time! I'm the one who usually keeps it clean!"  I just shrugged and said, whatever. I'm not going to argue with someone that delusional.

I mean, I know this is so insignificant, and childish, on both of our parts. Why do I seem unable to sort of, "zoom out" and see an appropriate response to the situation? I'm still feeling resentment as I write this.  I'm tired of having to beg for acknowledgment and compliments, but criticism is always abundantly available.

Is this a boundary issue for me?

[schrödinger's cat]

I'd say yes. So he's a bit of a slob, and he pretends he's cleaning all the time, and he's all on his high horse as soon as something goes wrong? The combination sounds extremely annoying. One of those things might be cope-able with, but all three of them?    His way of interrogating you when something went wrong - the impression I'm getting is that he's like one of those bosses who enjoy swooping in from up above to interrogate their minions. It just seems so high-handed and patronizing, even a little insulting. The mental image I got was of Joan Crawford in a silk evening dress running her finger over the mantlepiece to check for dust. I think there's only one person being childish here, and it's not you. You've done a lot of hard work, work that he benefits from, and you have every right to have this acknowledged. If he's the kind of person who says: "you're cleaning this up for yourself, not for me, I don't mind the mess" - fine, but then let him be consistent. Let him cheerfully say: "yes, I'm messy", and then negotiate a fair deal with you where you get to live in a habitable flat and he gets a few areas where he can have all the mess and mold that he wants.

[voicelessagony2]

Thank you, cat!

Well thankfully this is not like a daily thing, but I appreciate the validation that it's really his bad behavior. I just wish I knew a better way to handle it so it doesn't get to me, or somehow find a way to shine a tiny bit of light onto it so maybe he can see for himself.

[Badmemories]

Hi voiceless: 

He might feel guilty for being a messy person and is really criticizing You as a defense mode..something Like Mirroring...
Keep on keeping on!