How do you feel AFTER an EF?

[confident]

So I was in an off-and-on EF for some two weeks. It was awful. I'm sure y'all know that.

I could almost draw a clear line in the sand from when the EF was happening and when it ended, and I'm wondering, what do you guys feel like when it's over? To me, it's akin to an awakening or full-on personality shift.  Like being a wholly different person sometimes.  I almost feel floaty, light, unhindered.  The EFs are really dark and filled with anxiety and fear, but when it's over, I know. I know I won't be going back into it until I get triggered again.

How would you guys describe post-EF for you, personally? Do you have any feelings or descriptors that stand out? Does your behavior change? Do you feel like different people entirely?

[keepfighting]

I could almost draw a clear line in the sand from when the EF was happening and when it ended

I almost feel floaty, light, unhindered.  The EFs are really dark and filled with anxiety and fear, but when it's over, I know.

Another word that comes to mind is energized: I can do things again, I feel like taking action and showing the world a smiling face.

I don't feel like a different person. I feel more like I've found the person I  recognize and like. When I am in an EF, I can't really identify with the person I am then - dark, slow, easily overwhelmed by the simplest tasks, barely able to drag myself through the days and dreading the nights. Once it's gone - and it usually happens from one second to the next - I feel like the chains that forced me to carry the weight of the world are removed and I feel like me again... I can laugh again and find things to enjoy; the sun is shining again. 

Like you said: Hard to miss...

[confident]

Another word that comes to mind is energized: I can do things again, I feel like taking action and showing the world a smiling face.

Energized may be a bit strong for me. I always think of a perky, over-caffeinated crazy person. But I see what you're getting at. It's a very unburdened feeling. I hit my stride today getting a bunch of chores done around the house and felt pretty good.

I don't feel like a different person. I feel more like I've found the person I  recognize and like. When I am in an EF, I can't really identify with the person I am then - dark, slow, easily overwhelmed by the simplest tasks, barely able to drag myself through the days and dreading the nights. Once it's gone - and it usually happens from one second to the next - I feel like the chains that forced me to carry the weight of the world are removed and I feel like me again... I can laugh again and find things to enjoy; the sun is shining again. 

Like you said: Hard to miss...

Here's the sad thing. I think it's been a long time since I could recognize me. I've only become cognizant this year to the steady, dripping faucet of abuse I endured my whole life.  My DH said he felt like he was beginning to see who I really was for the first time in just the days following discovering who my uNPDm was.  Somehow, you lose yourself in the trauma. 

I think I've a long way to go to rediscovering myself. But I think maybe it's hinted at in those moments of renewal after an EF.

[schrödinger's cat]

I never thought about this before. But yes, I recognize this feeling, now that you mention it. Thank you for starting this thread.

How I feel after an EF is mostly what's already been mentioned. It's like coming home - there's a sense of warmth and strength and safety, like I'm settling back into myself.

[alovelycreature]

I get dissociative. I think the dissociation kicks in due to the overwhelming anxiety. I think I often feel hopeless, so I try to take a nap or something. Sometimes I do that and feel like a different person, or feel normal again the next day or a couple days later. It really depends on what the EF is sometimes.

[confident]

I get dissociative. I think the dissociation kicks in due to the overwhelming anxiety. I think I often feel hopeless, so I try to take a nap or something. Sometimes I do that and feel like a different person, or feel normal again the next day or a couple days later. It really depends on what the EF is sometimes.

This is interesting. I always considered the dissociation as part of the EF, not post-EF.  The anxiety, the hopelessness are all things I relate to, though.  Those are such overwhelming feelings. 

Does anyone know/have quotes or research on this: are EFs instantaneous with prolonged effects such as dissociation, or can they be ongoing events? 

[schrödinger's cat]

Sometimes, highly sensitive children (presumably adults too) dissociate a little to keep themselves from being overwhelmed by stimuli. I read this in a book on highly sensitive kids, under the header of "why you shouldn't worry if your HS kid suddenly looks a little spaced out".

Sooo... how about dissociation as a self-protective reflex? You're having an EF, which just swamps you with internal stimuli and which also makes external stimuli a lot more frightening and vivid. So it feels like the whole world gets amped up to eleven and given the soundtrack from Psycho: too many stimuli. Then your brain shuts down and lets you drift into dissociation. And then that dissiociation doesn't necessarily stop with the EF, it stops when your subconsciousness decides that everything's alright and it can come back out from under the sofa? Now, this is just a brainfart that occurred to me a moment ago, and I haven't even thoroughly read up about dissociation yet, and it probably applies more to Freeze-Response type activities than to a real, proper dissociative episode, IF it applies to anything at all, which I'm not sure of.

[alovelycreature]

That's how I thought of it too, Cat. I am a HSP so I thought it was just my body shutting down from an overload. I know when I was in therapy the goal was to stop the EF from going into dissociation and trying to stay grounded and present.

I actually found an article that says some people have dissociation with or after FBs. TRIGGER WARNING: SA. Kind of weird there isn't a trigger warning in this article...

http://laurelhouse.org.au/?page_id=18

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh good, not just me then. I'm HSP too, which has finally given me an explanation for about half my oddities. The other half are CPTSD. The book called this kind of dissociation "standby mode", which made me think 'waaaait, I've always done that, I'm doing it all the time', so PLING! - another riddle explained.

[Butterfly]

Good topic. My first thought in response to the question was 'exhausted' but the posts helped me realize this is how it feels while still *in EF* but after its a feeling of freedom and lightness. Usually my EFs are followed by some lightbulb moments and revelations I can ue to move forward. Therefore EF are usually followed by a big leap forward in my journey.

Thanks for helping me realize the value of an EF!

[keepfighting]

I have noticed also, before counseling I was struggling with short term memory and I have noticed improvement with that that I attribute to steps taken in healing.

What a relief to read that I am not the only one struggling with short term memory. It does indeed improve some after an EF and with the help of t - or maybe it is the other way around and it is worse during an EF... I never made the connection with EFs before but it makes sense that an EF would affect the short term memory negatively - during an EF I often have the feeling that I am somehow not completely in the present, in the here and now and after an EF that feeling of 'timeline disconnect' is gone.

Still, there are days when I feel like wearing a sticker on my forehead saying: "I am not stupid, I am not desinterested, I just have a really lousy short term memory so please forgive me if I ask you three times whether you want some coffee." Probably would make life a lot easier if we could be this honest with each other irl. 

[alovelycreature]

I've noticed a lot of people saying they feel "energized" during an EF. When you feel energized what do you do? Butterfly said she sometimes has "light bulb moments."

Does anyone find themselves in these times making artwork or writing? I started thinking that I might actually have these "light bulb" moments and have ideas for some artwork.

I've actually found that when I have those "light bulb" moments for making art, that my artwork is actually expressing something that I didn't know how to verbalize about myself. After I make a piece, sometimes months or years later, I'll be like, "Oh I was really struggling with this and now I see what it is."

[Butterfly]

The light bulbs probably mean different things for different people. I've had those artwork moments where I wasn't intending a message or expressing a deep feeling but when I step back there the aha moment of realizing there's a deeper meaning to the scene.

Most of my lightbulbs are when I make a sudden connection with something - so I might realize a truth or something I need to change or all of a sudden something is so obvious I wonder how I missed it in the first place.

When I feel energy I clean house or do crafts.

[confident]

Thank you to everyone who provided thoughtful replies to my post! I had no clue the topic would appeal to so many and have such varied answers. Great discussion points.  I was curious to see if my experience was my own or shared by other C-PTSD sufferers. The energized creatives in the forum were most fascinating. It's only a week or so after the fact that I find my creative side re-energized. I have absolutely no inclination to read, write, paint, knit or do anything remotely crafty or self-expressive in an EF. That so many others feel the opposite is intriguing.

It's prompted other questions in my mind to post in Recovery. Again, thanks to all.   

[Milarepa]

Interesting to hear people talk about how good they feel after an EF. I feel like I've been wrung out like a wet rag. It's kind of a pleasant tiredness, but just total exhaustion.