Hello. I've landed

[morph]

I joined the outofthefog forum as 'morphingjail' some time ago and on my 'welcome thread' someone suggested that maybe I should be looking at cPTSD.   Not being accustomed to taking things at face value, I then started to look into it.  2 months later, and here I am.  Thank you Rosie.   This so accurately defines my predicament.   I'm hoping that I can find some good advice here and that I may be able to help some people on the way.   At least we are "on the same page" so to speak.

I'm in my 50's and have recently come to the realization that there is probably a cause for my dysphoria:  'per se' my mother.  It would have been embarrassing 35 years ago to admit this and be crying about my mother and therefore I never did.   But after several decades I haven't been able to "get over it", so I'm going to start now!   If that's OK with you!?   

One of the reasons I haven't addressed this before in my life is that it was hidden and covered up with a chronic all pervading zeal.   No stone was left unturned to show the world what a perfect matriarch our family had.   I wish I could say that I was beaten, starved, sexually abused but I cannot fire those arrows of blame.   The least pathetic thing I can say at this point; is that one of the main impetus for me seeking help is that I don't want my children to grow up with the same dysfunctionalities that I have.

For the last few weeks I have been getting free weekly online counseling from a 'non profit' org.   Got to say that if I was paying, I would be very pissed off!   But free is quite important to me as I tend to stress rather a lot about financial security and something is better than nothing!

It appears cPTSD has had very little air time especially when I consider how well it encompasses my feelings and experiences.   Its obvious link with 'battle trauma' steered me away  from even considering it.   Having now found it I have high hopes that I can begin to get some serenity in life.

Thanks for starting this forum.

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi morph, pleased to meet you. You're definitely not the only one who's working through childhood/youth issues many decades after leaving home. I think sometimes we just need that much time until we can see things clearly and/or feel safe enough to tackle those things.

[Des]

Hi Morph,

I'm glad you've found this it's definitely been good for me, I'm pretty new to all this too but hope to offer support to others along the way too.

I definitely get what you mean about the perfect matriarch thing.

Sending you lots of good wishes x

[Rain]

Hi morph, I'm glad Rosie sent you here.

I can only add to the warm welcomes you've received.   Please do check out Pete Walker's web site at www.pete-walker.com for excellent articles on CPTSD, if you haven't found it already.   His book is one that many of us use on our paths to Healing.

Stay awhile, post where you feel drawn.   I'm glad you are here to join us.

Grace and Healing on your Journey!

Rain

[confident]

Hey morph!

OOTF was helpful for getting through denial about PD, but this place is so much better for helping ourselves. I don't really have present gripes so much about FOO; I have more wounds that need healing. I hope the threads and info available here lifts some burden on your healing journey!

The people here are exceedingly kind and gentle toward one another, so I don't find it to be triggering either.

You know what? I am about 30 years your junior and I still feel I waited too long getting help for the emotional wounds. You are taking care of very real pain. We don't need to have physical scars to prove our emotional scars exist.

Blessings, prayers for a purposeful season of learning and growth, and welcome!!

[noname]

Hi Morph!  I just joined yesterday.  Just wanted to point out that my kids are a big driving factor for me too.  I decided a long time ago, probably when I was first taking sociology and psychology courses in college, and really started to see how different my family of origin was (and also realizing that my childhood was going to catch up with me one day) that I would not allow the multi-generational dysfunction to pass to my kids. 
Interestingly, I think that may have been part of what triggered me.  I was looking at divorcing my husband, and felt completely and instantly trapped, because I realized that divorce may expose my kids to trauma.  I have not decided yet if that is a good thing or a bad thing (i.e. expectations too high, perfectionism, I broke my own back?).
Anyway, welcome.

[smg]

Hello Morph,

I wish I could say that I was beaten, starved, sexually abused but I cannot fire those arrows of blame.

Oh my, yes! From where I'm sitting, it often seems that it would be easier to accept Me if I had an inarguable reason for all my imperfections. In my imagination, such a story would shut up all the folks who've suggested that I should be "over it." In real life, I'm slowly finding that the people I want to spend time with these days, people who have worked hard to recover from their own sh-t, people with whom I connect a little more as I grow, don't say that kind of thing. The main voice crititicizing me now is the loud one in my head.

Yeah, it's okay with me for you to start this work now (more than okay!!!!), because I'm right here working on similar stuff too, and I think it's a big giant step forward to think, even sometimes, that there really was something wong that you need to work to recover from.

smg

[Whobuddy]

I just read this in Pete Walker's book:

And the day came
When the risk to remain
Closed tightly in a bud
Became more painful
Than the risk it took
to blossom
-Author Unknown

I think a lot of us have recently reached this stage. Welcome, Morph!

[keepfighting]

Hi, morph,

so glad you've landed!  (Your title made me laugh out loud  )

I hope you'll have a great time on OOTS. It is a good place to learn about CPTSD and support each other.

Cheers, kf

[morph]

Thanks a lot for the many thoughtful replies.

Yes for me, one of the hardest parts for me to get to gripe with is that I really do have a valid complaint.  The biggest crime I could commit would be to be visibly at variance to my mother's projected persona.  I think my father and relations had also learnt this lesson well.  After living it 24/7 for a few years there was no alternative on the horizon.  I've read that if a child has even one person to talk to about their feelings,  whatever hardships they are enduring are much lessened.   I never had that one person, even if someone had asked me or tried to open me up I'm sure I would have convinced them that I was happy and privileged.  That was the only way to look at my life.  Dissent from that view (reality) was literally unthinkable.  The charade was perfectly constructed, all eventualities were taken account for.  I watched "The Truman Show" with my daughter a couple of nights ago.  If only it had been that easy to see something was wrong and break free!

I've started reading Pete Walkers site.  I shall try to get his book but they are out of stock atm.

My name on the other site was morphicjail.  It was an attempt to explain the feeling of being in a place where whatever you tried to do wouldn't set you free.   Wherever you headed it followed you.   There was no escape.   Like a fly caught in treacle.   When I came here I shortened it to Morp which reminded me of 'Mork and Mindy'.   I never liked Robin Williams but it seems that he may have been struggling with similar problems.

Hope I don't come off as babbling incoherently, not really sure wher to start or what to do.  Thanks again for the warm welcomes. 

[flookadelic]

Hi Morph.

Like you I was never starved, beaten or sexually abused etc.

But the mental and emotional torture coupled with no escape is quite enough to traumatise anyone. Including us, and we are as deserving of healing and health and happiness as anyone else :-)

As a fellow newbie I hope that we both get a lot out of (and be able to give a little bit back) to this forum. Blessings to Morphfroot!

[Kizzie]

Yes for me, one of the hardest parts for me to get to gripe with is that I really do have a valid complaint.  The biggest crime I could commit would be to be visibly at variance to my mother's projected persona.  I think my father and relations had also learnt this lesson well.  After living it 24/7 for a few years there was no alternative on the horizon.  I've read that if a child has even one person to talk to about their feelings,  whatever hardships they are enduring are much lessened.   I never had that one person, even if someone had asked me or tried to open me up I'm sure I would have convinced them that I was happy and privileged.  That was the only way to look at my life.  Dissent from that view (reality) was literally unthinkable.  The charade was perfectly constructed, all eventualities were taken account for. 

Hi Morph - Just wanted to add my voice and say welcome to OOTS. I'm in the "perfect mother at all costs club" too although these days I am very low contact with her and her band of FM's.  I wasn't physically or sexually abused either and for many decades could not even settle comfortably on the idea that she was emotionally abusive, that is until I joined our sister site, moved out of the fog and saw her and her behaviour for what it was (and still is - she's 85, 100 lbs soaking wet and still goes toe to toe with anyone who threatens her perfect image. She just "won" the latest round with my brother and he's 60 - a crazy dance they are still doing).  We moved from one coast to the other last year and one big reason was to be out of range of her PD behaviour. We're very LC with her and NC with her FM's and it's the best thing we could have done. 

The thing that Pete Walker gets and writes about so well is that no matter what type of abuse, ultimately the core wound is emotional abuse. Narcissists, including covert or stealth N's like our M's who may look like they are loving and caring in effect do the same thing as any other abuser, they threaten our very selves and force us to learn maladaptive strategies to survive (e.g., woe be to the child and then adult who threatens the N's image!), rather than develop the healthy coping skills we need (and deserve) in life.  He talks about "The Look" in one section where a parent conveys contempt for the child like an arrow straight to the heart.  I know that look well.

There is a thread "Just Emotional Abuse" (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=145.0) that you may want to have a read through as this can be a tough one to wrap your head (and heart) around at first; that you were emotionally abused, we all were but for some of us it's harder to see at first.    I didn't have anyone I could talk to either and when I did try I was slapped down ("How could you say such things about your sweet mother?" - that kind of thing).  Here we do have lots of people to talk to and it's wonderful - that feeling of validation is such a great feeling so I am glad you found your way here to us and wish you well on your journey     

[morph]

Thanks Flook and Kizzie
Only just joined OOTS after a brief affair with OOTF so still looking up the differences between Ns and Ms etc.  Mostly A OK but couldn't find FM, LOL

I have also put physical distance between myself and M.  I moved from England to Asia about 25 years ago and my lifelong regular nosebleeds stopped almost immediately.  I knew subconsciously that it was the right thing to do.  I hope Kizzie, that you've also found some relief from your migration - the PD noise is a few Db lower.

I don't know if I would call my M a Narcissist.  She certainly has all the traits but I think that it comes from her own cPTSD.  Maybe its something that you grow into that is the defining characteristic of a Narcissist or maybe, as someone mentioned, cPTSD basically covers the gamut of PDs.  I know very little about my grandparents  from her side, only that her mother was a revered saint and her farther was too despicable to ever be mentioned.  Guess that counts as dysfunctional!

Apart from the guilt driven monthly 5 minute call, I have very little contact with M.   I would like to break this final filial tie but then, if there is a God I've certainly burnt all my bridges!

Thanks for being here people.

[Kizzie]

Sorry Morph - "FM" stands for "Flying Monkeys" (as  in the Wicked Witch and her band of FMs from the movie the Land of Oz). 

The "geographical cure" has really worked well in my case and it sounds like it did for you as well. W actually can leave our troubles behind lol, at least that daily PD noise and daily drama. Unfortunately the ghost parents and the trauma not so much.

Sorry about assuming your M is a narcissist, she just sounds so much like my M.  I hope between here and OOTF you are able to sort out whether she has CPTSD or NPD 

[morph]

Sorry about assuming your M is a narcissist, she just sounds so much like my M.  I hope between here and OOTF you are able to sort out whether she has CPTSD or NPD 

Absolutely no need, only I meant that I have been self diagnosing with narcissistic, antisocial, BPD, avoidant, psychotic, OCPD, paranoid and others for about 4 years and CPTSD just seems to fit the bill so well that it may well fit her symptoms as well.  I frankly don't care as she is past the point of no return being 90 years old and prefer to concentrate on my own problems.   I personally think she's all the above plus hystrionic!