"New" therapeutic method

[Blackbird]

Hey all, this is my second post here so hi to whoever I haven't met yet

I've been doing a mix of CBT/Construtivism/Humanistic therapy for more than a year now for my several disorders, and it's been working great.

About a month and a half ago one of my abusers in life (there were several - revictimization is strong in me) tried to sneak back into my life, huge trigger of course, I couldn't get out of the house except to go to my therapist or psychiatrist, it's a bit better now, but I'm still a bit shakey.

While confronting the demons, my psychiatrist noticed a pattern and communicated with my therapist that I probably have cPTSD, who in turn made me see the abuse I've experienced as a child as abuse and not something natural. I used to say that I was abused, but no one ever believed me and my abusers always lied so I gave up long ago for any justice, and I'm now okay with it.

I came back "home" to live with one of my abusers, mostly neglect and emotional abuse during my childhood, and it's difficult for me to actually feel anything more than anger, then misfired anger to things that aren't important.

My therapist is using a good method that has worked wonders for me so far called the Dialogical Self, look it up if you're interested. Between a multiplicity of selves, I have a self that is injured, and a protective self that is angry all the time, and my own self that is compassionate and forgives my abusers that no longer have a hold on me, because I developed ways to protect myself.

The thing is, I can't cry. I can't feel my vulnerable and hurt self/child for more than a few moments at a time, on which my eyes water up but no tears come out. My therapist says I've disconnected with her, and I do dissociate when confronted with a situation where she has to come out.

My homework for the week is not to let my angry protective self get in the way, and it's working so far. I feel more balanced and with more appropriate responses to things. But always afraid I'm going to explode.

It's like I've woken from a dream that I didn't know I was in. Someone finally realized what happened and is now listening to me, and for that alone I'm thankful.

Thank you for reading, I guess I just want to know if this is normal.

[sorrygirl]

Hi Blackbird,

I don't know about that method, but I do know about difficulty to get in touch with my sadness. I've been in therapy for over 1 year now, and I am just starting to let myself touch my sadness A LITTLE BIT. Usually, when I'm angry, my sadness is not too far...

It takes a lot of compassion toward yourself to feel it, because it is very painful.

Have you any shame when you cry in front of someone? That's my case. I feel so ashame to cry in front of my therapist. We are working on this and it's getting a little better.

I hope you'll let yourself feel it. When you do, in can be painful, but soooo rewarding afterward!

I wish you can get in touch with it, you'll feel so much better 

[Blackbird]

Hi sorrygirl  Yes, that's the goal. My homework now is to not let my self be angry, because it's a protective anger to the child inside that is hurt, and allow myself to feel the sadness.

The only progress I made so far is getting watery eyes lol... I will get there, I hope.

Thanks for the reply.

[Candid]

Between a multiplicity of selves, I have a self that is injured, and a protective self that is angry all the time, and my own self that is compassionate and forgives my abusers that no longer have a hold on me, because I developed ways to protect myself.

I like this very much.

It's like I've woken from a dream that I didn't know I was in. Someone finally realized what happened and is now listening to me, and for that alone I'm thankful.

It all sounds good, Blackbird. I wouldn't worry about not being able to cry; it'll come when it comes. For my money anger is a more positive emotion than sadness. You could use methods for releasing anger (eg. vigorous exercise, shouting where no one can hear you) to avoid any ...umm, explosions. 

[Blackbird]

Ahah Candid. Yeah, I can't really afford to have more explosions. It's been my go-to mechanism for years, I'm sorta known for having an explosive personality  I don't like that, it's more reactive than pro-active if you know what I mean, I prefer my calm self, now that I've met me lol

But yeah, vigorous exercise and screaming to the pillow it's a given sometimes 

[Candid]

I prefer my calm self, now that I've met me lol

I'm glad to have 'met' you too.

[Blackbird]

I'm glad to meet you too