Elphanigh's journey

Started by Elphanigh, April 12, 2017, 07:09:18 PM

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Elphanigh

For anyone that is reading this, I am pretty new at this but this looks to be the place that will help me with some of the process. I am beginning EMDR because talk therapy from the last two years has really done very little to help what I have left to do. My abuse stopped ten years ago and I am really ready to be done with this. I want to be able to move forward, and finally believe I can. I have tortured myself with guilt of things I believed were my fault, or just the shame that comes with this abuse.

I am on my journey to recovery now. I want to have a good handle on this before I start graduate school,. Until college I was a straight A, and even got granted Valedictorian in high school. School was my escape from my abuse so I excelled and learned to love everything about it. When I went to college memories resurfaced more and I was faced with a decision to bury it or to actually deal with it.  I decided to work through it, that I wanted to be done. My academics suffered because it forced me back into panic attacks and regular flashbacks, my therapist was not equipped to handle my amount of trauma. So here I am out of my  undergrad and ready to properly finish this.

My current undertaking is going to be drafting a time line of my life. I think using this post to help construct that will help organize my thoughts and make it a bit easier to handle. Those post will be written as I can do them, hopefully over this weekend as I have some space to myself for a few days. I am ready to process but I can't do it all at once because the level of trauma I still feel when thinking about it

Elphanigh

So it begins, sorry if this comes in little bits if that bothers anyone. I can only look at it for so long and stay in a good tolerance level the day after therapy. *possible trigger warning*

1994 : Birth-not traumatic for me but for my mother. Was an emergency birth because my umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck. They weren't sure if I would speak

1995: Broke my head open at fairgrounds because someone tripped me down concrete stairs

1996: Little sister was born

1997: Moved to Denver with my family

1998: memories of a tornado happening while I was home with my uncle and grandmother

2000: April, my brother was born and I turned 6
           June: Moved to Idaho with my family
           July: At age six my first sexual abuse began with the first friend I had made in the area. This became a daily occurence since I saw him outside and he was the only kid I truly knew there. He and I had a fake marriage, and had told me I was his Cinderella (I hate being called that even though I still look like that)
           August: Starting first grade, gaining new friends and an escape
           Late-August: Got a new babysitter that was a family friend: He began to abuse me almost daily as well.
           Still Fall: While the abuse with the friend escalated and  my memories of it are starting to grow stronger her the new abuser was also escalating. I remember multiple big trauma moments here
                    - Friend: Abuse using the game cops and robbers (this was a regular thing that continued for years)
                   -Friend: Also started to make me try to sneak looks at my dads sexual magazines
                   -Babysitter: forced to sit and watch sexual video with him while cuddling
                   - Babysitter: Learned to give my first blow job, and just normal abuse
                   - Babysitter: First time I was forced to hurt L (this became repeated for a long time as well)

Okay that's all I can do for now. I barely made it until the time I was 6...  Only another 16 years ish to go  :'(




Three Roses

QuoteThose post will be written as I can do them, hopefully over this weekend as I have some space to myself for a few days. I am ready to process but I can't do it all at once because the level of trauma I still feel when thinking about it
Quotesorry if this comes in little bits if that bothers anyone. I can only look at it for so long and stay in a good tolerance level the day after therapy.

That's one of the great things about this forum - you can totally move at your own pace! (We kinda encourage it,  as a matter of fact.) ;)

It's totally okay to use whatever format you need - you are not here to please others or anything but do what you need to heal.

Elphanigh

Thank you. I am glad to hear it is okay to do both of those things. I know I apologize for everything. It's probably my inner critic speaking and seeking acceptance from others that makes me cautious and worried about others not being as comfortable with the format.. or me being weak for not being able to do it all at once.

i have been rather triggered at work today so have taken bits of time to write on here and read other's experiences. My coworkers nonchalantly talking about some domestic abuse has not helped in the last hour or so. Normally it can not bother me so much.

Elphanigh

I was going to come back to this tonight and continue the timeline but I am feeling too triggered right now. Not s flash back but definitely anxiety and panic that easily becomes an ef or flashback... I know I have been thinking about it a lot and just started digging deep into emdr yesterday so this can be expected but it hard to be going back into these states.

It is hard starting a therapy I know intentionally balances precariously between triggered and not... talk therapy has only done so much and this is really feeling like it is the thing that might work, the one last hope for me to get "better". It is just scary. I know have have my apartment alone starting tomorrow night until late Monday. I am not used to that and worried what it might bring if I continue in this state. I also worry how it will affect work, I will see. It kept me preoccupied and not getting a lot done...

I am so ready to find some peace. It is the first time I have ever truly felt like I deserved it. That realization was a huge leap for me and I only got there about a month ago. I realized I had tortured myself for an additional ten years with it, and that was enough for things I still can't emotionally feel weren't my fault. I know logically because I know what I would and have told others but I can't feel it and accept it in my heart yet.

Elphanigh

Trying to keep post to the three paragraphs preference here also probably will need a *trigger warning* on this one..


I blamed myself for a long time for hurting my sister, and not stopping others abuse... I was a protector and still am. It is not something I think i will ever be able to rid my personality of, which is both a curse and a positive thing. I spent years being sexually abused with the promise my sister and other loved ones would never be touched. I blamed myself when it happened because my sister was used as a bargain for stopping my own  abuse... it probably would have happened anyways but I can't get over that... and worse I can't get over the amount of times I was forced to actually do things to her by another abuser... we started to look st this in emdr with the belief I was a monster... it is going to take a long while.

I also realized with the timeline I need to do it scares me so much because there is just such a mass of trauma..it didn't end with the abuse, there was more. The abuse itself was more than anyone should have been able to handle and seem okay.. I have been told that I shouldn't be this okay.. that it would have broken and has comepletely undone some people... I tell people what's I went through and people don't believe it because on the grand scheme of things I don't appear to be that bad... I went through multiple abusers mostly sexual abuse but mixed with other physical abuse, grooming, and retained emotional abuse(both early and later in life) i did the bulk of it from the time I was six to the time I was thirteen... I don't remember much before hand...

I literally don't know life without abuse... I don't know what it is like. I get really sad at that... it also astounds people because I seem okay, I am somehow not shattered. I have done the math.. it would have happened a minimum of 1500 times and that is being really low ball..... because there were times it was more than five times a day... I should be shattered.. somehow I am here.. i can't remember every bit of it. If I did I would surely break. I remember enough, something's so vividly it is like living them today down to the smallest detail.. I have a lot of those. Then others blur because they were trends of things that happened, sections that repeated themselves etc.. trying to timeline it scares me I can placemmost of it but there is so much... it is hard to know where thingsnover lapped and where certain phases started/ended.. it is also just hard to conceive it as a whole like knowing it as one giant thing might be too much to carry....

Sorry that was long.. I should go to actually writing so I don't fill up pages here, I am just struggling tonight

Elphanigh

I wrote that number wrong... minimum of 2200 and that is really a low ball number. That is just the number of days in the years

Three Roses

Write as much as you need! The three paragraph suggestion is also to make sure people read your posts. If they're too long it can discourage others from reading all of it.  :wave:

Elphanigh

#8
Thanks Three Roses. I will write as I need. I got up so I would stop dissociating so much... I am worried for the next four ish days. I can't truly afford therapy more than once every two weeks. I know my T is willing to work with me if I really need it with a rough week and it is payment I am worried about... I just don't want to take advantage of that and get behind either.. I think she almost expects it because it was my first real deep session since my last therapist..

There is just a lot to process and I am struggling really badly tonight to keep myself present even with my significant other being here

Elphanigh

I am really struggling today. Sadly, it is apparently normal with EMDR at first to feel this. I know I want to process and find peace it is hard to know I have to deal with more symptoms for a while to get there. I find myself having an EF, have been since yesterday. They feel like they stick around for days. Anyways back to 2000..

*Trigger warning for the rest of this*

2000:
  Christmas time I got a puppy and was thrilled with life. However Abuser 1 decided threatening the dog was a good way to control me as well as my sister

2001:   
Spring time: This is the next major period I have any specific memories the abuse between them thankfully blurs together.
     March ish (spring break) I spend most of my week with abuser 1 and 2 because both are not at school and my parents are never  home. I remember begging to go to school and locking myself in my room to read. I even tried to get myself grounded so I would be stuck inside where only one person could hurt me
    April: I turned 7
      One of my violent memories comes from around this time. I was still in school but it was a weekend. It was the first time I  had truly been hit and beaten. I was shoved by someone about 11 years older than me into a small bathroom counter and hit repeatedly until I would be quiet as he used all his body weight to shove me violently back into the counter while raping me... I will not put more detail there as that is bad enough.
     I remember a period where I stopped fighting both of my abusers after that. I get a sense of hopelessness, and just feel darkness around me when I think about this time. I remember hurting my sister without any protest at this time

Summer: I grew some of my fight back after abuser one was with me more often and bought me ice crem and snow cones etc.. I remember a lot of words from this time from both of them. Abuser one was telling me I was worth everything and was his favorite. To make up for what was said when he beat me
Abuser two however was dragging me down. I fought too much, he started threatening my sister and friends more. Also told me I should get used to it, it was what i deserved. It was my fault that I had to be cleansed and taken care of... I hoped for nothing but the school year to come, and did get myself grounded a time or two in hopes it would less my abuse but realized then my sister would be alone

Will start the school year later. This is enough for now

Elphanigh

I froze yesterday, and had a panic attack for three hours. I was full of fear and uncertainty. Today is a better and a new day. I made it through so I must be strong enough to handle this process. Recovery is hard, I knew that going into the more intense part, I just hadn't let myself feel that much in a long time. It is good to not be numb anymore so I can truly heal. I also remembered something and I don't know if it is true. I will talk to my T about it when I see her on the 24th but for not I will put it here and try not to judge it or worry too much about it.

My first abuser has always been a dark figure to me. I put a face and name to that dark figure in a memory yesterday. I have had the memory of the abuse all of my life, but not a real person to connect it to. I connected it to a woman, which was a surprise in the first place. The second surprise is it was one I worshiped and have many good memories with, but I realize I had described some of those good memories as ones I had had with the dark figure before.. I am not sure if it is true, but everything I can logically find, and pictures and facebook all suggest it is true. The only thing better would to ask my parents if there was ever a male, but I can't do that. So I must for now let it develop and not judge. To discuss it with my T when I see her. To try to not feel like it is breaking my heart so much.. I loved that girl in the way only a child can..

joyful

Elphanigh--
I've just read your journal. I am so sorry for the horrible things that you had to go through. Words can't express it...
you are so strong and brave to write through your experience.
I wish I had something worthwhile to say to you, but I just want you to know that I care about you, and I know you can heal eventually. I'm listening. I support you. I truly care about you.
:hug:

Elphanigh

Thank you Joyful. I appreciate all of the support and belief you have. You don't have to have words to describe it, I can understand without them. I appreciate it. There will be more to read of my story later. I have just begun sadly. That timeline is incomplete and still only until I was 7. I will probably do more today.

Elphanigh

*trigger warning*

Not sure if I will need that warning but I might...The more I have thought about the woman that came up in my memory yesterday, and the more fishing I do... the more it seems like it is correct. I talked to my sister who only remembers having her, she doesn't remember there being a male. I can't find any pictures or mention of the him I thought existed in that dark figure. I hate that I can't go to my parents, but when I needed them they abandoned me. They know that I was touched once, and that is all. Even with that information when they found out my mom left the dark room, closed the door, and didn't come back for me. No one came for me. I  had to help myself again like i did all of my childhood. the only time it got mentioned was in derogatory or joking terms that forced me to believe more that I was bad and at fault. The only person that was old enough at the time to give me a full answer on this and I can't trust them. She yelled at me for a panic attack in high school and blamed me for causing it myself... basically locked me up in the house for a month afterwards... I can't know fully who abused me because my family was cruel and I can't open myself for more of that. I have experienced very few people that have been kind to me in my life, especially with this. I cant risk to experience more trauma, which means I can never actually know

Elphanigh

*trigger warning* my timeline continued, left of before the school year of 2nd grade

Fall: My mom started having really bad heart problems and was on enough meds she wasn't really around. I saw her pass out from mini strokes a few times around this time. It was terrifying to watch and be in charge of as a kid.
     Both of my abusers continued in their routines. I started getting more gifts and compliments from both of them. Abuser one allowed me to cook and be the big helper all the time, abuser two was nice to me still, telling me we were still married and that he would take care of me. I don't have a lot of specifics because I have suffered so much a lot of it is a blur of anxiety and hurt, I know trends but it isn't like I remember every time I was hurt

Winter: I remember abuser two forcing me to lay in the snow with my clothes off repeatedly. Causing a lot of pain because the cold would get to the point it hurt. I wasn't allowed to cry or we would never be together... he would tell my parents how I had been bad..

Abuser one began to more regularly watch porn with me around. I was forced to replicate some things in order to not get treated worse. I still remembered being beaten. I got slapped several times in this time frame because I wasn't always cooperating. Somehow I still had some fight in me

2002: (I have made it through 5 years)

Spring: as spring gets warmer and I am getting older I am alone with Abuser 2 a lot more. This is when things started to escalate to being raped 5 or more times a day... i remember a lot of times being shoved against walls, or sides of the car where people couldn't see. biting my hand or shirt to stop from crying or screaming out.. he had started to get rougher and had no softness to his motions anymore. He still talked like he did but I was so far gone that he could be rough and actually hurt my body and I wouldn't say anything. I got cuts on my knees from being pushed onto concrete and forced to orally please him... or if I was being too much of a "girl" about it.... Oh I turned 8 in there somewhere

Summer: If spring was bad this summer was worse. Growing up without much technology meant being outside a lot. I had met some other friends at this point but Abuser 2 was always around. Abuser 1 was normally the one watching us during the week so I was never free.
This bit gets blurrier, I think for my own protection.. but it was a bad time of both abusers having gotten rougher with me... and both of them threatening my sister. I really gained the knowledge it was my fault because I was bad and terrible so I was only good for this. That my sister was pure and good, and I should make sure that I did everything to keep her that way. That in some way it was I that was responsible for her well being. I was and always have been protective of her so this was extremely effective

Towards the end of this summer marks 2 years of being abused. something wonderful happened (at the time I didn't feel that way). Abuser 1 disappeared. I remember something about that person getting caught with what I now know as porn tapes in my parents room. They did not find out that this person hurt me and certainly not to the extent but this person disappeared from my life. I was truly attached and realized I felt lost at this point because I had lost a person that seemed to adore me. this is where I really think that the person I saw in my head yesterday is right.. I am describing it neutrally until I am sure

Starting with third grade it gets even more difficult, it is still blurry in large gaps,  but it is the ones I specifically remember that get worse.. Will do that later. If you have read all or any of this I thank you.