Elphanigh's journey

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Three Roses. I appreciate both the anger at them and the compassion for me. It is nice to know I have people with me, even just online.

Sadly I know that isn't the only time that happened... best I know is that I was shared around for several years. I have lots of blurry ones and some vivid moments spanning a few years of my abuse that include multiple people... this one is new and more violent in my head than the ones I have always remembered...

I wish I could say that this was a one time occurrence.. that it was only men that hurt me.. that I knew how many people abused me... I can't honestly say any of that... It happened a lot, there was a woman, one of my main sexual abusers actually, and I have no idea how many my male main abuser shared me with... I won't ever know. This just confirms that.

Sometimes I really wish I could go back into denial.. recovery is hard and scary... and getting memories like this back..

Well let's just say it's terrible and I am nannying tonight and put the kids to bed early because I couldn't handle it... It hurt too much.. they were tired anyways but I couldn't do it..

Sorry that was long. It's a really rough night, and I am in a place I have never been, by myself minus the two kids.. little me and me right now just need a lot of warmth and love... but as usual I have to save me, no one else really can.

[Blueberry]

Standing with you  Elphanigh as these terrible memories resurface. You have been enduring so much in change and emotions due to your current life recently, and now these memories.  to you and  to your little one.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Blueberry. I have really been going through a lot lately with life and to top it off the influx of memories. It has always been this way though. My life is normally either calm, or completely crazy. It has always had a hard time finding any in between. I spent part of my day with a friend which was greatly distracting but I worry what the night will bring again. My night mares have returned and the new medicine is an interesting thing to adapt to.

I am scared I am going to remember more. Knowing that a woman that I looked up to was one of my main and worse abusers, and then that painful vivid memory from the last big post I shared in here... I know I am bound to remember more, I have large gaps, but I was never sure I would get them back.. now that I have a few I am not sure I want them. I always thought what I did remember was horrific... maybe my mind saved me from the worst of it and I don't know it yet..

It just hurts and I wish it wasn't true. I know it is, I can feel it and I know enough of the years I was lent out that it doesn't surprise me.. but it aches all over again.. I have never remembered new things.. I have always known that I was abused.. that people hurt me and made me do some terrible things.. and that I witnessed a lot as well.. I have always known but I really large gaps... I want to fill those in, but at the same time I know I have to go through this to do it.. I have to feel the hurt and the schock of the truth... the fear and confusion that goes with it...

I dreamed vividly of the one time that my uncle abused me last night... I had a vague idea of what happened but a dream h as tried to fill it in for me... I don't know how much stock to put into my dreams

[Elphanigh]

Moving day has been busy. I am not completely done but am getting there. My body aches and has gained many bruises. My new place doesn't feel like home yet but I am starting to envision it as I get more of my things in there. I want it to be a place where I can feel safe and free to nurture myself as I need to. I have gone through a lot lately and can't wait to finally pause for a second. Probably won't happen until Thursday.

As far as recovery goes, just trying to live life even after the new memory. It has been really hard but I have needed to put it and the emotions aside. I had a nightmare about it last night, and had other nightmares nights previous. Sadly I can't be on my nightmare med any longer

I am trying to decide what to talk to my T about tomorrow. So much has happened but I do really need/want to get this timeline done so I can truly start the deep emdr work that will hopefully be the key to me healing. At least help to take me to another level of peace with it.

I realize I am still blaming myself for the things that I was made to do to my sister and for the girls I feel like I failed in my past. I realize I feel like I shouldn't have sacrificed more or fought more..

[Wife#2]

Oh, sweetheart - you were a child, they abused that fact to gain your compliance. You were a child. Already conditioned in your teen years to be as THEY could exploit, not as was best for you. You were a child. They did this to you, so much that it became normal to you. They are criminal in their behavior to you. You are a victim acting out in the only ways you knew or thought you could.

That you survived at all is a wonder. That you are beginning to claim yourself back is beautiful. That you are discovering that you, the real you inside all the pain and suffering (done to and by you) is actually still an innocent and a beautiful soul. Your compassion is proven in the fact that you can't stop worrying about damage done to others. You can't change what happened, true. However, you can understand that you were the puppet and they (your abusers) were the puppet masters.

I sincerely hope one day you can not just cut those strings (which I think you've already done), but also forgive yourself for not seeing those strings earlier.  You are a good human being with love, compassion and beauty in your soul. You are and have been trying to figure out how to gain forgiveness from those you may have hurt. That is good, it shows your good heart. Please, let your therapist help you in forgiving yourself? 

[Elphanigh]

Wife#2, I am always in awe of your kindness and compassion. I definitely teared up a bit while sitting here and reading that a few times.

I forget sometimes that surviving it all was a big deal. It just was for me. It's harder now than it ever was then. I am glad you see the effort of me trying to see myself through all of this pain and suffering. Also that you see my compassion, I do have a lot of it.

I hope one day I can see that it was because of them that people got hurt and not because of me. I want to realize that I wouldn't have hurt my sister when I was 7 if it weren't for them, and I wouldn't have watched others get hurt, or participated in things I shouldn't have even as a teenager... I want to fully forgive myself. The string analogy is a good one, I think you are right that I have cut them, just haven't forgiven myself yet.

I will let my T help me in forgiving myself. We did one session at a point on my belief that I was a monster. We will jump back into that but it was too much for me at the time. I think forgiveness will be one of my biggest challenges. I care far more about what happened to others than what happened to me. Not that the new memory I have has not be extremely hard to wrestle with. Even for me that was a bit on the violent side to remember.

[Wife#2]

I forget sometimes that surviving it all was a big deal. It just was for me. It's harder now than it ever was then.

This doesn't surprise me, that it's harder now. Back then, the evil was just part of life. When little Elphanigh realized this evil being done to her WAS evil, she had to hide. It was more than she could take, that trusted people would do her harm. 

There was much more to who you were, but that had to be locked away behind walls and chains and armor just to be kept safe. Will little Elphanigh so locked away, so distant to the shell walking around, it's very hard to understand that the shell did as the shell was told, but Elphanigh didn't do these things. So, it hurts when Elphanigh has to look back, see shell's memories and recognize the face as her own.

Now, Elphanigh can't hide from the memories that shell still has. Because you can't heal until you bring Elphanigh and shell together. Now, Elphanigh has to know what shell suffered and what shell did. This is much scarier, much harder and much worse now that you are grown and know evil for evil. One thing I hope for you more than anything is that you can know that shell wasn't evil. Shell did no evil. Evil wants to hurt others. Evil is glad when others suffer. Shell just did what people do when told or when the opportunity arises because that was all shell knew about the world.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Wife#2. That was very well phrased and great to read.

I think I have come to realize little me wasn't evil, she was panicked and scared. I know I would not treat anyone else that went through/did what I did the same way I treat my little self. So my head and logic knows that she wasn't evil, I just need to work that belief deeper so when I feel my past and look at it deeply that I won't need my complete logical brain to be able to know it. 

I really hope one day I will be able to comfort her more, instead of wondering why she didn't choose differently in those moments. I am so much of a caretaker and self sacrificing person now, I couldn't imagine choosing that way anymore. You are right though, I need to remember that little me didn't know any better. I knew the danger it put me in to choose differently when asked to hurt someone.. and for other things I just didn't know anything different about the world.

I do truly hope I get that for me too. It is nice you have so much hope for me. I think I need to let go of the fact I had any control, that is a challenge. I have to admit having no power at all..

[Wife#2]

  You are a survivor. You will make it through all this and to the Elphanigh you are and deserve to show the world. The empathetic, kindhearted, encouraging and generously loving woman. SHE will be victorious.

No, control in the past was an illusion. Control in the present is limited, too. Don't forget that part. We can control our words, actions and interactions. This is true. We cannot control what will be thrown in our paths and how much time we'll be granted to cope. I only say this to remind you to brace your inner self. These memories and this integration could be a bumpy ride!

Standing here with you. In awe of the woman I see. Thankful you call me friend and that I can EVER say anything that helps you. 

[Elphanigh]

I am so glad you believe so much that I will win all of this and get to be that person fully.

You say that from a good place, thank you. It is hard for me to be okay with how little I had any control as a kid, and just how little I still have today. It is more than I did, but very sadly limited because of human nature. It is hard to let go of the control I wish to have some days. If I could have what I wish I did, nothing bad would ever happen to anyone I care about, and certainly not to me again.

The new memories starting to come to the surface are kind of humbling me in that respect. I can't control that they happen or when they occur. Sadly it decided to come when my stress and similar fear was active in my life. Integration is sure to be a very bumpy ride, what I have done in healing has already been one bumpy ride. Thank you for bracing me, and using your experience to help mine be easier, or at least less scary because I can know a little ahead of time/ have somewhere to go to help me

Thank you for standing with me, it means the world to have you as a friend You say a great deal that helps me, probably more than you realize. You show so much faith in me and hope for what I can accomplish it is inspiring to me. 

Also odd to hear someone in awe of the person they see me to be. I always feel like such a mess just hoping I am choosing the right things and doing some good in life It is good for someone to see past my mess

[Wife#2]

  Remember, I don't see the you that you see in the mirror. I just see the you that sneaks out from behind typed words! It's easier for me to see the genuine you. I don't remember that time you flipped the bird or tripped walking down the street (guessing, these things are done by me all the time LOL). I didn't hear it the last time you cussed at someone (mine was days ago, but you don't know that, so you didn't judge me on it LOL).

I have the wonderful honor of seeing you as you are inside your skin. THAT's really where the beauty lies. (Gag on cliché, but it's still true). You only get to see the me that I show you (peeping out behind my words, too). We're much more likeable this way, aren't we?

So, yes,  , I see what you allow me to see. And, you're either one heck of an actor or you are a genuine person worthy of love and kindness in abundance! I'm pretty sure you are genuine. I'm gonna love the person I've seen so far, no matter what else is part of that whole person you are! 

[Elphanigh]

You are very sweet, and have a very good point. Tripping on the side walk does happen to me alot haha. I am rather clumsy lol. I won't judge for flipping the bird (although I personally don't do this), or cursing (this I do more than I should).

I will join you on gagging on that cliche but it is very true. We are much more likable like this, at least I know I am. I don't act on here, I do at other times but never here. I only change my curse words, and sometimes hold back details not to trigger people. It is genuinely me though. Thank you for loving the person you have seen through the words that I share. It is pretty transparently me, so it means a lot. I have shared a ton of my mess and less great sides on here so it is great to have someone see good in those words.

Know I love and am in awe of who you have shown yourself to be through your words You r cyber hugs and encouragement are truly such a comfort and inspiration to me very regularly. Life has been really tough and you have made it easier

[Elphanigh]

I am really worried about my therapy session tonight. So much has been going on since I saw her last. This every two weeks is really not enough for me but it is what I can manage financially right now. I worry because this new memory is still really fresh and raw. My wounds are a bit more open than they have been because of it. I worry about it.

We started my timeline in session last time, and I think it is probably good to continue that but we are getting to the part that I didn't write out before hand. It is also getting to the point where she knows far more than I have ever allowed someone to know. I think she is up through almost when I am out of my abuse.. which means we get to map out some assaults and other traumas that I really haven't voices as what they are. Things I did as a teenager I was truly uncomfortable with but wasn't willing to disappoint people.. to go through the part of my life where people started leaving me, and when lots of deaths started occurring. Lots of injuries and family issues, my suicidal part of my life etc.

My wounds are raw this week, so opening them up more scares me. I know it is so important and she watches my limits more closely than even I do, I have a tendencies to push too far and I have voiced that to her so she knows it. Opening these wounds so  I can heal is never comfortable, and I know is only going to get a bit more difficult for a while, until it gets better. Emdr is a special kind of beast...

[Wife#2]

Please let her know your concerns! She has sounded like a very caring and helpful therapist. I think she will be ok if you need to take a break from the timeline and address these memories. Only you can decide what is really best to cover, this is YOUR therapy.    No matter WHAT you decide, know you are making your best decision for you in this moment. THAT is what matters today.

[Elphanigh]

She has been very caring and helpful. I am not honestly sure which is going to be more useful for me. I am contemplating it. I am also trying to decide what I can handle tonight. I am still in the middle of a move which is distracting and good, but if I go to far I won't be able to function well enough to work on that move.

I will try to voice those concerns to her. I have a hard time admitting I am so worried about letting her know everything. I think I mentioned it in passing so she has gone slow, but probably not as fully. I know she knows that people have left me for it before, but not to the extent that it has created issues for me. I have never discussed that fully with a therapist. The part of my timeline we are up to starts that. So it is sure to come up if I do decide to do that.

I am not sure if I am ready to face the new memory fully. I have some, and did by typing some of it here. I know it is safest to try it while there is someone around but it is risky becaus eI am feeling it so painfully still