Elphanigh's journey

[Elphanigh]

I feel like I failed today. I feel like I will never actually heal. If I can't be okay and handle this.. I won't be able to do what I need to be doing tp fix this. This is really the only year in te forseeable future that I can gaurantee that I will have to spend lots of time focusing on this.. I need to be able to do this. I will be able to, for my own sake.

We did some of timeline after I kind of gave her a run down on what had happened since I saw her last.  At the end I kinda had a small flash of something and had a moment, more than I had previously had in front of her. I was fine after just a couple of minutes. She told me to think about whether or not the time line was too much right now, and we could go back and resource from some of the good in my life and what not.

I want to for my own sake be able to get through that timeline. I have gotten half way through my life, almost. (just realized in about two years I will have lived long enough for the worst of my abuse to no longer be the majority of my life. It is currently just over half)  It is almost for me a sign of whether or not I can heal. Doing this timeline has become a symbol for that. If I can't do this, how the heck can I expect to be able to do the harder work? To do the emdr etc.? I worry if I can't do this I won't heal. It feels like it to me. It feels like I am failing if I cant do this. I want to continue to try. I am functioning and okay, rough with the new memory but I am doing life function and moving and working and seeing friends still. I am still healthy and safe.

I need to try to do this. If I have to give her the ability to veto that decision if I do start to go too south that's fine. I need to try for my own sake. I don't want to fail.. or to feel like I will never heal

[Blackbird]

I understand where you're coming from, I'm 30 and my abusive period was 27 years, no relaxing periods in between, just euphoric ones (coping mania). Reading this entry of yours I realized I might still be in shock, or coming out of it. So, don't be too hard on yourself. We want to rush and get this over with, but patience is our friend.

You're very strong, Elphanigh, you can do it. 

[Wife#2]

Elphanigh, I had a big long post, that I deleted, detailing why you deserve to be kind to yourself and relax over deadlines and progress missteps. I am nobody to talk, so I erased it. Please, remember to be kind to yourself. With therapy, deadlines are targets - and it's ok to miss a target! Progress benchmarks are very flexible. Because you and your therapist can't know how something will affect you until it does affect you. Then, you both have to work from this new location.

You have a good therapist, by the sound of things. Tell her of your financial concerns, of your inner deadlines that are making you feel rushed and not up to the task. I have a feeling you and she will be able to work out some of this in a way that can help you relax. I know I'm on the sideline cheering you on, but this isn't a marathon, it's a life-changing ongoing adventure. You can do this hard work. You've already done so much. Please don't give up on yourself! You are currently doing just fine with progress and you'll keep doing just fine, even if it isn't as fast as you would hope.

[Elphanigh]

Blackbird, Thank you for sharing. I can imagine that there could be a level of shock for you. I have been out of the worst of mine for just over ten years. The last abuse I suffered ended about a 6 months ago.. it was some narcissistic and emotional abuse, so nothing a big as when I was a kid. There was always some small form of abuse as I know now because I have the ability to look back and see it in places I wouldn't have before.

I am sorry you went through so much. Thank you for reminding me to not be so hard on myself I truly appreciate it. We will both get through this all 

Wife#2, your long posts are welcome but I am glad you are honest about not being one to talk. I appreciate you were able to find that many reasons I deserved to be kind to myself and not be so stressed over deadlines. It is always amazing someone has so much kindness for me.

My therapist is really great. The first good one I have had. I need to tell her why I have been clinging to getting this done so much. I will tell her. As far as finances go she did lower my rate for me yesterday. She had been thinking about what she could do for that, so I am paying her about half of what I actually should be. If I need her more often I am allowed to ask, and she would work something out  but I don't like to abuse that. So all but once I have made it the two weeks between sessions.

Thank you for cheering me on so much. It is more than I could ever have asked or hoped for. I forget sometimes that this is not something I can sprint through. I am so much of an overachiever it bothers me so badly when I can't just do things. With school and lots of other things I was just always good at them, I was the best at most of them. So finding something that I can't just do or aren't excelling at is really difficult. I only know how to push myself.. I know very little about being kind to myself.. It's how I have gotten this far. I worked hard to achieve everything I could. I graduated from a prestigious college with a 3.6 and that was disappointing and way too low for me. If that kind of gives you an idea of how much this is a thing for me.

I was also clinging to this as a symbol of being able to recover.. like if I couldn't do it then there was no hope for me.. I need to let that go so I can relax about it. So I don't give up on myself. I have worked to hard to give up, I know this. I just worry that I won't ever heal..

Thank you for assuring me that I am doing well with progress and where I am. As always I am so grateful you are here cheering me on

[Blueberry]

I feel like I failed today. I feel like I will never actually heal. If I can't be okay and handle this.. I won't be able to do what I need to be doing tp fix this.

I've had feelings like these (I've failed, I won't heal) on and off for years, they are getting less though. Less often, less severe. "If I can't do this, the other will/ won't happen" often turns out to be the sort of thing FOO said, i.e. not what I really think. So a false assumption.

Elphanigh, you are so strong and making so much progress, I'm sure you will heal, but sometimes we need to let things slow up a little, be patient when the last thing we want is to be patient. We want to heal from this beast yesterday, not waste any more time with it.

I've been out of the worst of mine for about 25 years, but I've been re-traumatised in healing through therapists and their actions and through allowing myself to be by FOO. Some of these incidents through therapists or FOO have sent shockwaves through my system and sent me reeling and since I feel far more now than I did as a child and realise more too, sometimes it seems worse.

All that to say, please don't be too hard on yourself! i'll admit though that like wife#2 I'm a fine one to talk. But everytime I suggest to someone else that they not be so hard on themselves, I'm pounding the message better into my brain, pounding that tiny little footpath in my brain into a 6 lane highway (I wish...).   

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for sharing Blueberry. It is a great help to me to be reminded other people have been here, and to try not to be too hard on myself. 

I will see if I can't see where the statement comes from in my past, maybe that could help. You realized it was your FOO, so maybe if I can see where mine comes from I can start to control it better.

Thank you for seeing my strength and progress.. It is so hard to see both of those things for me. I see my failings and that this is hard for me so I feel weak. It is good to hear so much of the opposite. I need to be patient, but you are right it is hard because I wish I could just be done with it already. I am glad you have been out of the worst of yours for that long, one day I will say that (not rushing that one I promise, it is just good to think of being able to say it). I am sorry you have had difficulties like that, I know my first therapist did re traumatize me and there have been many things that did that,  but I am always sad to see others with that experience

Your honesty is great, I am glad you are working on it as well, and that suggesting it will help pave it in your brain for you. You deserve to be patient and kind to yourself so much.  Thank you for sharing your experience to help me. I am forever grateful. Being in a transition period in my life and going through recovery I am finding to be difficult so I am beyond grateful for any wise words or kindness that is offered to me. Being 23, between degrees, moving, starting a new job, and financially as stable as a stereotypical 20 somethings is crazy on it's own. I don't have five seconds to breathe somedays. This forum has been a life saver because you are all so kind to me. I never expected to have such kindness in my life

[Elphanigh]

My anxiety is through the roof today.. I want to run so far away from everything. From dealing with recovery... from moving to my new place, from all of the things I need to get done tonight. I just want to run away... I can't do that. I need to try to shove my abuse all the way to the back today. I can't handle it and everything I need to get done tonight... I am already exhausted and am in for an exhausting night. I just need to get moved to the new place and have one less worry on my plate.

Not running is really difficult right now. my anxiety and stress has that response so triggered it is crazy. I haven't felt like running like this in a really long time. I haven't had this much issue getting food down in the morning in a long time...

Recovery is hard.. and I wish I could just be working on that, and the rest of life would melt away but that is just not possible

[Blueberry]

 
Do you guys and girls in the English-speaking world learn a bank vault visualisation technique? You put whatever is a bit too much into a bank vault for a while, so that you can get on with whatever you are meant to be getting on with IRL. This can give you a day's break. And maybe help you not to feel like running. It is a way of shoving the abuse out of sight and mind for a while.

[Elphanigh]

Blueberry, I learned something similar in therapy about a month ago. I am slowly getting better at using it. I still have a hard time using it when I need it the most. I really struggle with visualization, it is taking a lot of practice. We learn the container rather than a bank vault. We can pick whatever type of container feels right for us.

Mine looks like a jewelry box that was my grandmothers. Somewhere I can organize the thoughts and put them in categories and store them. I am new to it, so it isn't an immediate reaction when I am in a state where I want to run away yet.

I realize I was feeling this way because I had so much to do, and had to deal with too many strangers that could have hurt me today. They didn't but I think my subconscious was really scared for me. Didn't help one of them had the same name as my abuser so I think it just caught me off guard. MY life has just been a crazy whirlwind and I need it to slow down for just a little bit. It is all starting to show in my mental state and really my physical state as well.

[Elphanigh]

Yesterday was a tough one, but a good one as well. all but what is in my car (I was so exhausted at that point that I didn't empty the last bit) is move fully. I now need to organize the very large mess that is my apartment but it will come with some time.

I found it much harder to leave my old space than I had imagined. I really haven't talked to my partner since Monday and am really struggling with that. She sees my messages (one of which was an ask for comfort yesterday) that she just doesn't respond to but I am getting more and more worried that this isn't going to work for me. I love her but if she can't at least answer with a hug or a what's wrong than how can I feel like she is participating in my life or really cares at all

Ugh... For now I just need to stay focused on staying awake and getting a lot done at work but it is going to be difficult. Little me is really feeling the need for some comfort in all of this. My instinct to run and get out of everything has been so high lately. I am starting to lower it, but it is terrifying. I know I have a friend coming on Sunday so I just need to make it there. Having her will truly help me.

I can't make a decision about my relationship right now so I need to let myself feel some peace for now. Just hugging my inner child while I can... I have neglected her some and have pushed myself really hard the last week. I just need to rest at some point.

[Three Roses]

  

[Elphanigh]

 

Thank you. I am trying to find a new routine.. and a healthy one. It is such a challenge and so much is changing at once I am really just trying to survive it all. I know I need to find healthy though. I have found it is difficult,  because I don't truly know what healthy looks like.

[sanmagic7]

having just moved out of my relationship, my home, and my adopted country, i can truly relate to being all over the place at once.  it's just so much in such a short time.  but, i'm convinced that time will help ease some of this.

i'm also looking forward to sun., when my daughter and i will go grocery shopping.  she's so very grounding for me.  until then, we'll hang together and let these 2 days pass.  sun. will be here soon, and, in the end, we're going to be ok.  just hang on with me.  hugs.

[Elphanigh]

I am right there hanging on with you  We will make it through this chaotic time. I can't imagine leavinf my country as well, and applaud you for all the strength you have been showing.

Thank you for sharing in this journey with me

[carnation]

Elphanigh I just read the 9 pages of your journal.  I'd like to say - or repeat if anyone else has said -

You are not alone.  Everyone's experience is unique; yours was terrible, but, you are not alone in that. 
You are such a tough babe to be facing all this.
I'm so grateful that you have a therapist you have a good relationship with!
and I love you.