Elphanigh's journey

[Candid]

I am trying to let myself grieve ...

Better to let it arise spontaneously. Like this:

I have cried today for part of me. I wish I could tell her it turns out better... I wish I could hold her and let her feel the warmth she so wanted... I crave that comfort right now

You can give it to yourself. Picture toddler Elphanigh standing in front of you with tears rolling down her little face. Pick her up and cuddle her. Tell her you're sorry you weren't around to protect her back then, but that you'll always look after her now. Then ask her what she feels like doing: painting a picture, playing with modelling clay or taking a nap with her favourite dolly.

Might sound weird to you, but having an idealised Internal Mother on board can make a big difference to recovery.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Candid. I will try that. Cuddled in a nice warm blanket for a while yesterda, seemed to help some.

[Elphanigh]

I have been slwoly writing out my timeline. Life has really taken over this week, so I don't think I will have it finished in time for Monday but I intend to do soem writing on in earlier in the day this weekend to see what I can get done. It has bee a process for me to really dig through it. I realize sometimes how many holes I have in my memory.

It is hard not knowing, but at the same time I find myself thinking that if I do ever remember all of it that it could crush me. I was abused in and out of my house from the time I was 6 to the time I was 12. I spent 6 years in abuse that normally happened multiple times a day with multiple abusers. I was told how loved I was, when that stopped working threats happened and the tore apart what I thought of myself. I remember patterns in the holes that I have.. I do have many graphic and specific memories but they tend to be ones that broke the usual pattern of abuse, or the first time that a particular thing happened to me. I was abuse by people I cared for, and then shared with others I didn't know. I watched people get hurt and felt responsible.. If I truly remembered everything... it might crush me but I hate having these gaps. Not only is the bad blurry, but so is the good. It is all just a blur sometimes.. because every good place I had was tainted with abuse so my brain didn't section off well I guess so it all gets lost...

My parents were never around, and when they were they fought. I didn't realize this until truly writing through everything.. maybe that contributed. It certainly helped it happen. I have a lot to heal from.. including traumas that happened (the most recent was 2 years ago)... Sometimes I wonder if it is even possible. I have yet to tell someone everything I remember. I am working on that for my current T but it will be a first when  I am finally done.

[Elphanigh]

Okay, I am just going to get this out of my own brain and into words. I don't believe there to be anything triggering in here.

I have a lot on my plate right now, and I just need the ability to worry about it and wish that all I had to do was to try to heal but life is never that simple.
1. Creating a timeline is a lot more energy than I expected it to be. I should be done by now but it is truly hard to focus on getting it done with the rest of life going on.
2. I have to find a place to live in before my lease is done in a month
3. I need to find a weekend job if I stand a chance of being at my friends wedding in August and paying the rest of my school tuition off so I can got to grad school in a year and a half.
4. I need to find said grad school.. I need to write a 20 page research paper for it, and start apply, also just to find the time to study for the GRE.
5. I need to heal from my past. I want to have a better experience in grad school than I did in my undergrad and I really believe I need to have some more of this healed to do so. I want to be healthy I really do. It is just hard to focus on it when I do also still want to be living my life.
6. My significant other is moving to the UK. She leaves Kansas City on Sunday, and then flies out the 22nd. I may not see her after Sunday until August or later. It is hard to have her so far away from me, and to be living alone even if just for like three weeks.
7. Finances.. things are expensive like tuition and student loans, and therapy.. I can't pay for weekly therapy and my insurance won't cover it.. so I am doing bi weekly and ever struggling to keep up with that. I wish there was nothign hampering my already difficult recovery. I have been to * and back so many times in my life. Sometimes I just wish for a little bit of peace... I have a hard time beleiving I will ever have any.. that I even really deserve any sometimes. I grew up without it so maybe it will never happen for me.  I have one vague memory before the abuse started so I don't know anything else really.. Maybe I am not capable of having true peace in my life because I have never known it.. maybe I can;t create it. I hate the idea of fighting forever though. It is  exhausting,

I have found myself thinking that if it weren't for my abuse... if someone had seen it and cared... maybe just maybe I would be different. I could have developed some talents further. As it was I was great in school and excelled at most things I did.. but maybe college would  have gone better. Maybe I could have withstood the bit of torture that was a music degree and still be a performer.. If I had been better equipped with skills that I am lacking because of it.. There's a lot of things it has affected that I wish it hadn't. I have a lot of what ifs and sadness for things that I never got to have and things I may never get to have.

Sorry for the long post, I just have a lot going on and my emotions can't stay level. I am overly sensitive to things and I know that. I feel much deeper than most people around me. I also suck in everyone's emotions around me.. It is just a lot to handle at t he moment and I am trying to be wise and strong. I just get tired.

[Three Roses]

 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Three Roses.  A hug, even the virtual kind, sounds like the best thing in the world right now.

[Elphanigh]

I am going to post in here as I am getting nervous for my EMDR session. I am not sure what to expect. We took a step back for a couple of weeks. I think we will dive in more today, but am nervous about it. Working on my timeline last night has just brought more into perspective for me. I am in a bit of pain over it all, which I guess is the greatest time to go into therapy. I just.. I guess I am worried I will be too much. I have been too much for many people to handle in my life and I ahve never told anyone as much as what is on that timeline. I always was careful to spread out who I talked to when I needed to talk. I may only have that timeline done to the time I started 6th grade but it is more than I have let someone see all at once.

I can tell someone I was abused repeatedly on a daily basis for most of my childhood.. but until they hear more details and more specific memories that is always just a vague description. It doesn't tend to get much understanding. It is hard for me to accept let alone have others accept as truth. I had everything from emotional abusive, and slightly neglectful parents to being abused by multiple people at a time... to watching other people be abused... I have had a great variety that has led to my Cptsd. It is not a true diagnosis for me but I read it and I know for sure that is in fact what it is. Nothing has ever made this much sense,. I am scared I am not repairable.. That I will just scare people.

Hopefully I haven't any of you. I am trying to fix this as early in my life as I can. It doesn't come without it's challenges. I will be working 60 hours a week and barely scarping by to help sustain it and normal life things. But  I want to heal... I have to try., It is just terrifying to let anyone know that much of me... I fear no one will be able to handle it. I can't so why should I expect anyone else to?

[Three Roses]

You haven't even come a little close to scaring me. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much Three Roses. I am truly glad of that. I have put a fair share in this journal. I am glad my truth hasn't no scaled you. It is a comfort to know that

[Elphanigh]

Today is not so bad. I still want to write because the up and down is part of my journey right now. I have a lot of back and forth in my life currently, the roller coaster is tiring but is where I am at right now. I have to remember it is okay to be at this point again. This is a second round of really trying to recover so it is to be expected I guess.

I need to work on being able to focus through it both for work, and for my ability to get projects that are more personal to me done. I want to be able to sustain some sort of life while recovering. The world, doesn't stop, and I don't want to either. So here I am attempting to do it all. I am going about it a healthier way than  I used to but I am still trying. I give myself more freedom to know when I have to pause which has been an improvement in this journey that I want to give myself credit for. I don't often give credit to myself or see the progress so I want to note that for myself today. So when I reread all of this I can know that I have made it somewhere in my recovery, even on bad days.

[Elphanigh]

Today is not my day but I am going to make the best of it and hope to turn it into something great. I have realized a goal I have because of it so that is good. I want to learn to not react to all stress so intensely. I know my body is hard wired to feel so much more, and to react with much more if a fight or flight response just naturally because that is how I learned that stress functioned. But with the stress this morning it was necessary or effective. I want to be able to control that reaction better.

For now I am learning to calm myself after I react that way, which is an improvement just not the ultimate goal.

I spent a long time last night talking to my partner about how I was feeling, and about just my abuse in general. How I still feel like I am broken, and something to be fixed. She has never seen me as broken and I am so grateful for that. I need to see myself not as broken, she helps. I jsut feel like I am sometimes, because I'm not normal. I forget that it I do function and that it is not broken as much as just an injury I can heal and learn to live in better conjunction with. As she said, I'm not broken: I have just had some terrible things done to me. That doesn't make me broken or in need of fixing.

Now I just need to believe it. I think my guilt still feeds into it. Feeling responsible for some people that got hurt or that I feel like I hurt myself feeds my feeling broken I think. I saw people raped.. and was forced to molest my own sister when I was really young. She doesn't remember but I do... and I will never forget it.  I thin until I can come to piece fully with that I will never truly believe that I am not broken.

When I remember that I feel as bad as my abusers. I feel like a monster as I discovered in my emdr session. My deepest belief that I tried to bury is that I am a monster that hurt someone and deserves every bit of it that I got.. that all the times I got hurt are because I hurt someone else.. and failed to protect people in other circumstances. I feel responsible and just as bad as any of the multiple abusers I had. Honestly I have no idea just how many there were but this belief puts me on the same level of all of them... I am a monster in this sense. I did it for a year or so off and on... as it was requested of me. Eventually without even trying to fight it. I stopped fighting and became a monster before I even got the chance to turned 7 and that only became worse in my life. There is such a large chunk of myself that believes I am a monster.

[Elphanigh]

This forum is becoming a bit of my life line at work today. It is the one outlet I have access to. It has been a super triggering day..

I got another one added to it, that is admittedly making my thoughts about being a monster worse. I talked to my mom who was struggling with something so I asked her what was going on (my mom was not one of my major abusers, she definitely did some damage but she did a lot of good as well) Come to find out my grandmother got to violent yesterday and has a history of it ( I knew my uncle did, and that my mom was very mildly abusive). My mom apparently stepped in to get her to calm down because she had left a mark on one of my younger cousins (who lives with them). That got her grabbed by the arms and then threatened by my grandmother to beat the * out of her... So my mom and grandma didn't escalate further as my mother left after ensuring Ashley was fine, so my mom wouldnt get hit.

As I am consoling my mom about this I am already triggered with the I am a monster thoughts from earlier... seeing my genetics being so abusive was not helpful. I know my grandmother to be nothing but sweet, she was so good to me as a kid. Never ever touched me... I had heard some mild stories of my mom growing up but not enough to know that she could be legitimately abusive.. so it is in my genetics somewhere.... I swear never to be like that but I hate that it is even possible...

I know I have the ability to be raging angry... I never allow myself anger because of it. I know better and know how to control it. I know to walk away and to just cool off so I will never be that. But pinned into a situation if I wanted to I could verbally tear someone apart... I never will but knowing just how deeply in my genetics that is does not help...

[Wife#2]

Elphanigh, it sounds as if you've already broken the cycle for yourself. With help from your mother, who is breaking the cycle as best as she can, you have learned valuable lessons.

I do agree that you are not a 'broken' person, but an injured person. Therapy, this forum, your own work on your own time, these are the bandages and braces you need to repair that injury. Because it's a complex injury, it takes quite a few healing methods and rehabilitation over a long period of time.

The genetics honestly aren't a factor in injuries. In 'nature' vs. 'nurture', these injuries happened at the hands of flawed 'nurturers' not flawed genetics.

The acting out your grandmother does, that is on her. Whether she was trained for it in her youth doesn't matter so much now. She could have sought healing from her injuries. Because she didn't, she's responsible for how she is now.

Your mother made a different set of decisions. She did try to work on herself, find better methods for coping. She is better recovered from her injuries.

You have made an even better set of decisions. You are working intensively on yourself. Your recovery is very likely to be even more complete.

No monsters. Not even grandmother. She's a walking injury that acts outward to express her pain. Your mother is a partially healed injury, aware that acting out is fruitless and likely to reinjure herself and injure others. It still may happen sometimes, but she's working to overcome and find better ways.

This is the best one can hope for. That you've suffered the abuse and made the conscious decision to let it end with you. You can't go back in time and help Mom or Grandmother with their injuries or how they deal with them. You can only mend yourself.

Though letting your Mom know you're proud of her for de-escalating things with Grandmother could be a great Mother's Day present for her!

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Wife#2. I appreciate the wise words. I did let me mom know how glad I was that she had stopped it, and that I know how hard that could have been for her. I have a great deal of compassion for her because she does try. She didn't so much when I was a kid, but she certainly does now.

Hearing them as various degrees of healed helps. Neither of them to the best of my knowledge endure abuse like mine but had some small bits in their childhood which is enough to affect anyone.

I am truly trying to break that cycle. I don't want to be what I grew up knowing. I have seen better, and know what it is like for people that grow up with it different, at least from some level of hearing about it. I don't want to be what happened to me, or what I grew up around. I think having not forgiven myself is a big part of why yesterday happened. It used to be a constant bit of self talk I had but it isn't anymore. It exists but I don't often feel like it is entirely true. Yesterday, I did feel like it was... I felt like I do all this fighting for nothing. Just to be shown I really don't stand a chance of being different I guess.

I didn't grow up with good examples of love and healthy family dynamics. I wasn't fully aware of this until about a month ago. I had never really looked at my childhood outside of my sexual abusers, so learning by really looking at how I grew up and what my house was like opens some really interesting and difficult doors for me. Healing is definitely a process and I am starting early in my life thankfully. When I think about that sometimes it gives me some more hope for myself.

I have huge ideas for what I want to do with my life, and what I want to accomplish. It's why I am putting myself through all of this right now in the first place. I want to go to grad school in a healthier state so I can truly show people what I am capable of. I know I have it in me but I need to be somewhere I am at peace enough to show everyone else.. for the stress of school not to send me spiraling. I have hope but I also have a lot of fear. Not knowing if I am strong enough, or whether or not I contain enough good to heal.

[Wife#2]

You have strength, I've seen it. More, even than that, I've seen the good in you. The generous, loving, kind heart. The willing, even when scared, student of yourself.

I've had people in my life be the wind beneath my wings (S3 sister, B1 brother, best friends). This is one blessing I'd like to pay forward.

I believe in you. I believe in your capacity to heal and grow. I certainly have faith in you that, when you are ready, you will conquer those few remaining fears and accomplish that dream. You can do this, at your pace as you are ready. You're already an amazing woman. I know that one day, I will stand in awe of the person you have chosen, and worked, to become.