Elphanigh's journey

[Elphanigh]

I have put my recovery in the background for a few days. Things come up but I needed to get other life things done first. I have however kept up my yoga practice and mental imagery practice going. These are part of my recovery but not as directly linked as dealing with any of the thoughts that come up.

What has come up has been interesting.  It has kept me from sending the last of my Mom's mother day (I showed her over Skype what it was, but it isn't fully finished). I have been grieving what could have been, and realizing how many things my mom should have noticed.. should have seen or done. Things she did that made things worse, and still do in some ways. I love her dearly and that won't ever change, now that we are at a distance most of the yar our relationship is much healthier for me, but it doesn't negate the fact that there were wrong in the past. She could have done a lot to save me in many instances.. and after the abuse she had opportunity to help me, even though she doesn't know much there were clearly signs of me struggling and instead of help I got put on house arrest basically and just yelled at. I learned to shut down completely and found numbness that eventually led to my suicidal thoughts and writing of my suicide note. I never fully attempted because on the day I had planned it a friend saved me without knowing it.

My parents did give me a home, food, clothes, and many other things that I am thankful for. I can help but wish sometimes that they had protected me. That they had helped or seen any of the signs.. that they hadn't given me so much responsibility when I was 6.. That would have saved me. Instead they weren't around. There was no one to help or protect me, and now I am old enough no one can actually protect me.

I have help now,  but I have to go seeking it. I had to find it in people that have no obligation to help me like my family kind of does. I had to find that somewhere else. It took me a lot of years to find it and a lot of pain with people that were unable to give that to me when I needed it most.

I am trying to find more self-assurance and confidence so one day I don't have to rely so heavily on those that do help me. I was burdened with a very  traumatic past and I deserve the help but I want not to over use that. I want to be okay on my own too. I want to be able to live my life and strive for my goals without the fear I am just going to break down when something hits me. This is why I am working so hard right now.

This is why I have to keep my recovery going right now, even if it is slow work it is progress.

Living alone has been an adventure this week, but I have found some peace in being able to do what I need to do with my night. It has allowed productivity and for me to truly practice my ground techniques for my recovery and just my stress and anxiety levels in general. I do really notice a difference in my ability to cope with the stress of my life right now.

As I noted with my yoga practice last night, I embrace this new journey. There is power in embracing where I am and what I am trying to do. I am embracing the challenge, and everything that comes with it

[Lingurine]

Elphanigh, so sad all the things you had to endure. Letting those memories come to the surface must be very hard. My heart goes out to you.

Wishing you peace

Lingurine

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Lingurine. I am wishing for peace. It has been hard the last week though. I haven't been here in a few days because I have been using avoidance with other things in my life.

I have also been struggling with a particular memory and going into child mode sometimes..... I was shared as a kid. I can't remember completely how many or exactly who. I know I was about 8 when it started... It is truly hard to not know exactly how many people hurt me...I have tried to remember some but I can't, and I am not sure I want to ultimately. I went through a lot of versions of *... and even if I am capable of remembering it all.. I am not sure I want to.

I have EMDR tomorrow and we are supposed to try to timeline my life (good and bad).. I am not sure what it will bring up. All of my immediate support system is out of the country for the foreseeable future. I do have people who care for me here, but not that know much about anything that is going on. My girlfriend hops on a plane to England tomorrow, (she has been gone but only 4 hours away)... the other two are out of the country for a few weeks and aren't normally physically around anyways. I am worried but they have my back from afar

A lot is changing and I am preparing to move to a new apartment (if I can actually find one... it is all very stressful).. Anyways I am going to need luck, and a whole lot of strength

[Wife#2]

Standing by you, holding your elbow. Remember, regardless of what comes up - YOU ALREADY SURVIVED. How you survived is amazing in itself. BUT YOU SURVIVED! You are on this side of *, having reached a place where you ARE in more control of yourself. I am right here if/when you need me. No, that's not as good as being there, able to hug you and help you feel loved. We all will be here, anyway. For you. Because you are important to us.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so very much. That is exactly what I needed to hear. I appreciate that you are still reading all of this.

I have made it to this side of * somehow. I don't really understand how but I made it. The reminder is good to hear. Thank you for being here for me. I may journal tonight after therapy depending on what I am feeling. Being alone tonight may be hard to being on here will be helpful I don't want to be alone with it all. I have so much strength and resilience but sometimes that only goes so far. If I have learned anything over the past year it is that I can't do it all alone, and not everyone is going to run away.

Thank you for making me feel important and loved. I do truly cherish you and your kindness.

[Hope66]

I hope that your session of EMDR goes well - and sending you a 
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you 

[Blueberry]

  to you Elphanigh

[Elphanigh]

Thanks. I am fearful of it a bit. I do want to do it, but it might take me a session or two to get through it. I haven't done it better and I am just unsure of what it will be like for me. I have had a few new memories over the course of the last month, so I am not sure if this will bring more with it. I know it means my mind is ready to deal with them, but they are never easy.

My T is incredible, so I trust her to do this with her. I have never let someone know all of it. I have only ever shared bits and pieces with people. Time lining this will be the first time someone will know all of it. At least events wise, as best as I remember things. It is scary but I hope for her to validate it and not to run. I think that i fear rejection, that I fear that I have been through too much for someone to help me. My story is not easy, it is full of many different types of abuse at different points of my life. I am worried no one will ever accept it fully or be able to see the bigger view of it and be able to handle it. I want to trust though, so I will try this. 

[Lingurine]

Elphanigh, you don't have to do this all at once, take it one step at a time. There comes a day that you can trust people again. The most important thing is to trust yourself. You made it this far, you are stronger than you think. Your T sounds great.

Lingurine

[Elphanigh]

Lingurine, thank you for that reminder. We did a chunk today, and I am feeling better about letting her in on the rest of it. I always just worry I am going to hurt or scare someone. I have had too many people run away or not be able to handle my truth.. even just small bits

On that note, my therapy did really go well today. It was hard but I have come to a new level of trust with my T. I think I needed this process to more fully let her in, and for her to more fully understand just what level of abuse she is dealing with here. We were writing some of it on a poster board essentially so I could map it and make it visual for me.

In order to to that, I had at some point made myself comfortable sitting on the floor to get a better angle to write at because the table is so low. When she had a hard question for me and sensed me having a harder time, she came down to sit across the table from me and be able to look at me on the eye level I was at. For her age that probably wasn't terribly comfortable but she did it so seamlessly. It really made all the difference for her to have done that for me. I felt a better connection and was instantly less scared and not alone. Like she wasn't running away from my truth that she was there with me, and felt only compassion not fear.

She also, after we are done with this time line, wants to take a Saturday afternoon and do an intensive session. Like 2-3 hours or so. Money is not a thing I have and she immediately followed that by don't worry about the money I will figure it out. She has a hard time with opening everything up with me and then letting me leave because I only see her every two weeks due to cash right now. I mean she does everything in her power to get me grounded and in a good place but having sessions so far apart is difficult. So she wants to start with that Saturday so we can get through some of the emotions and larger picture bits to really figure out where to start. She has found out how extensive it is and realized why I have no true idea where to start.

*trigger warning*

So it is said here is what I have endured
1. Daily sometimes more than daily sexual abuse from the time I was six until I was almost 13
2. Physical violence in the form of hitting shoving pushing etc.. from both of them
3. Emotional abuse from my abusers and my parents
4. Witnessed domestic vilence
5. mild narrsasitic abuse
6. Sexual assault multiple times after I was abused
7. Humiliation from one of my abusers and also people I told
8. Witnessed several deaths
9. Forced to molest my sister
10. Watched others get molested
11. Was shared with multiple people by one of my abusers

This is not all of it but the more tangible ones.. there are the other times I have been re traumatized by people and there is always an addition to that list. I am determined to heal so there it is. the most basic idea I can give anyone of what I experienced.

[Wife#2]

Elphanigh, you beautiful soul. I am so deeply, deeply sad that you had to endure this abuse. You are such beautiful and kind and loving a person even after all you survived.

A big blanket of warm, loving hugs and encouragements is wrapped around you right now. You can step out of this hug as you feel, or you may bask in gentle, accepting, no-expectations, all-about-you-and-what-you-want loving grace.

I am in awe that you survived at all. That you have chosen to reveal your true self - the loving, kind, accepting woman - proves they could be abusive, but they couldn't kill the wonderful girl, now woman. You have conquered by surviving. You are a blessing to the people who know you, whether they know your story or not. I am honored to be allowed to share your journey with you.

[Elphanigh]

Wife#2, as always thank you for you compassion and ability to care about me, even having heard so much about me. I love the warm blanket and hugs. I think I will stay in it a while this morning. My partner landed in the UK this morning so I am having a harder time with that and just still processing from my session yesterday.

As far as surviving and still being kind, I ask myself constantly how I survived. I don't really know, that list was incomplete last night. I added one major one to it this morning, I was shared and lent out by one of my abusers too. I have asked myself many time how I made it through all of it to no avail. It is kind of nice to have someone recognize that it is a big deal that I did survive.

I refuse to be cruel like the people who hurt me. I always wanted to be the opposite of them. So I worked to be kind, loving, compassionate. Sometimes to my own detriment but I have learned that boundary a bit more.

No need to be honored to share in my journey, it is something I always tried to hide or censor for people. I have gone to * and back a few times at least.. I never want to hurt someone with my story or my journey. It is a lot to ask someone to share in it with me. I am beyond grateful you are so willing to share in it with me. 

[Lingurine]

Elphanigh, it takes so much courage to write down what you went through. People love you because you're you, and see beyond the abuse. You are, besides abused, a beautiful human too, just like all of us. We all here know abuse and survived it. We are equals and hold your hand walking this difficult path with you together. It's just so sad. At least we're together.



Lingurine

[Elphanigh]

Lingurine thank you.    I am glad we are all together as well. It is truly a help to have others to walk with.  I am feeling rather sad today, so it is good to have a reminder that I am something outside of the abuse I suffered.