Elphanigh's journey

[Elphanigh]

I just feel sad this morning. I am not really triggered just processing still. After starting the timeline with my T and then posting her a very basic list of what I went through, I am just sad for little me. I am sad for that little girl, who didn't get to know what a normal, abuse free life was like. There has never not been trauma in my life, and I am grieving the things that means I never got. The chances I could have had, and things that also wouldn't have happened. I grieve a life I could have had, a person I could have become.

I don't understand how I ran into so much cruelty as a child. In such a small town, there was so much bad and I found it all. I sincerely believed that it was what I deserved as a kid because why else would people that didn't know of each other do this? Why else would everyone in my life have some reason to hurt me? That little girl never got to love herself. The only thing I ever had that I could be proud of was school. academically and musically I was very gifted. Sometimes I wonder how much more I could have been if I had not had so much else going on in my life.

I lost friendships and push others away because of it. I can't ever be honest with my family because of it, partially because they don't know and partially because what they themselves did and caused. I will forever have to risk sharing with anyone that becomes too close to me because anyone too close to me sees its affects on me. It is forever a part of me. I didn't get to know myself without it, I don't know a life without it as I am sure many of us don't. So I  have to learn who I am, and so much of who I am was built around abuse. I became strong, I became a protector of everyone. I became a lot of things I shouldn't have at that age

I am sad for little me.

[Three Roses]

I'm sad for that little you, too. Hugs to you.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Three Roses. 

[Elphanigh]

I feel alone more adn more as the day goes on. It is a feeling that I have felt in my life but I have had people around me for the last year. Never fully alone. I know logically I have people that I can message. I can get on here and post and see responses (I have been reading the ones from this morning like my life depends on it).

As a kid I was alone in my pain, and in life. I took on the role of a protector, which can be very lonely at times because no one ever took care of me. I have allowed people to recently so no longer having that immediately around me is difficult. I am oddly a rather physically affectionate. A touch or hug from someone I truly trust is almost a cure for my anxiety and stress. Like for that moment I don't have to hold it all and I can just feel warm, dare I say possibly safe.

With my whole support system simultaneously out of my physical reach and some out of any reach of contact it feels lonely. I know part of that is probably a bit of an EF because it is feelings that I felt as a child and really up until the last year. Going back to this feeling has been hard. I have this need to curl up in a blanket and drink something warm, color, or pet me cat. I want nothing but to get to hug someone as well. to just let them take it all away for a moment, to not have to be alone.

I know logically I am very much not alone but it is difficult. I have been apartment shopping for just myself today, and selling furniture that was mine and Sara's to help downsize when I move. She is also finally over there, so just a rough day. It is the first truly rough day I have had since she left a week ago

[Lingurine]

The existentialism of loneliness is something that can make you feel scared at first and very strong afterwards. In the end we are alone and that's okay, because we can depend on ourselves. Going through these feelings of loneliness is a big part of the healing process. If you can make it to the other side you can feel your own strength growing when you get there. I see it like a big swim, when you go swimming and discover that the coast is further than you've expected, that feeling, first panic or a state of freeze and anxiety, than power and vigor to make it to the coast.

I wish you a lot of strength.

Lingurine

[Elphanigh]

That is a good way to think of it. Thank you for that metaphor. I will use every bit of strength I can to get to the other coast. I am determined, more than I ever have been

[Blackbird]

I grieve a life I could have had, a person I could have become.
...
I am sad for little me.

I can relate to this so much 

[Elphanigh]

  to you Blackbird.

It has bee a few days since I have written in here, and a lot has happened. I have found a more stable emotional state. I am excited it didn't take me as long as it used to. I have found a new apartment to live in , so I no longer have to worry about that. I have also sold some of my older furniture which will make it far easier to move, and give me less reminders of my space with Sara. We are still together but this new place is my own and I need to not always be reminded of her. I am excited to truly build a place of my own. I am hoping to make it my safe haven. The first true place that is only mine. 

I  have also applied for a new job that I will make more at and be more at peace. It will ease my financial burden, and the management is way more healthy so I am excited at the prospect. Also this would mean working with a good friend of mine that I graduated college with. I am hopeful to hear back next week,  hopefully as I am also moving to my own place!

[Lingurine]

Elphanigh, what great news, you deserve it girl



Lingurine

[Elphanigh]

Thank you!

[Elphanigh]

I found out last night that mu mom spent Wednesday night in the hospital with a possible heart attack. They have discovered it is most likely a clot but it could still be dangerous for her. She is home to rest until she has an appointment to determine what happened exactly.

This brought up some stuff for my own recovery. One, my mother doesn't truly know what happened to me. She knows that I was felt up once by my first abuser but nothing more. She doesn't know I remember or have any issues with it. I have always been happy with not telling her and letting her go to her grave not knowing, because it would cause her pain. However. I realized that if I don't would she ever truly know me? I do love her dearly and I don't think I will ever tell her, but I questioned it and I have to at least acknowledge why I did.

Two, she did some abusive things herself without fully realizing it. I have been distant from her for a few weeks because of my realization of that fact. She has gotten better with age for the most part, and has come to realize some patterns that are negative as she seems them in the way my cousins are being raised. She now speaks up against them sometimes, so there is improvement. There will never be acknowledgment for me and my siblings but she is making better. I do truly believe she cares, I have never doubted that in my life. It makes me regret being a bit distant. I haven't sent her mother's day gift because I couldn't bring myself to finish it. I need to finish and send it. She did give me a good childhood mostly. Having what good I did was what helped me survive the extensive abuse I endured.

I think she will be okay, but I was confronted with some things and need to think about them as I process my recovery.

[Wife#2]

I'm sorry to hear about your mother's health scare. That is always a difficult time, for different reasons depending on good or bad relationship with a parent.

It does sound as if you are ready to forgive your mother for her part in your abuse. If that's the case, that's wonderful! If, because you feel forgiveness towards her, you feel the need to draw back towards her, that's also wonderful. There is no need to burden her with your forgiveness if you've never told her about all you survived. Just know in your heart that you can reconnect as feels safe for you.

to you as you decide the best path forward. Your beauty of mind, soul, spirit continue to shine for all to see. I know you'll make the best decision for you.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so very much, Wife#2. I think I will draw back in some. I live far away from her but we used to talk much more often than we do now. I have set up a possible skype with her this weekend, just to chat. I am glad you don't think I have to tell her to move forward. I think not telling her is what I would prefer. She did do good for me, and I don't want that to be clouded by her failings anymore. I can't be angry at her for it anymore. Her mom was far worse, and it isn't and excuse, but it does explain something. She has made good strides with age and I see her effort. I think that is what I needed.

It would be good to connect to her a bit more now that things have leveled out. So when a scare like that happens it is not the only time I have spoken to her. I do truly love her, I just got angry for a few weeks. I saw everything that she could have caught and seen as a sign. I saw all the ways she could have saved me, and all the ways she could have at least not made it worse. I think I needed to see it but not to live in that anger too long.

[Wife#2]

You are very wise, Elphanigh. Very wise indeed. I hope that conversation goes well and that you feel better about her and about yourself when it's over.

[Elphanigh]

That is a great compliment, Wife#2. I am young but try to be wiser than my age, so that means a lot. I truly hope so as well. I will probably update here on it