Elphanigh's journey

[Elphanigh]

Okay guys, if you are or do read this thank you. I have meditated and I am in a place I can start the next chunk of that time line. Bear with me as I go through this project. I have an easier time typing it and will eventually write a clean version out for myself. *big trigger warning*

A memory I forgot from the school year 2000, first grade.. I was traumatized by my teacher who punished me for being too smart.. I became so afraid of her that I refused to ask to go to the bathroom and instead a few times did lose that control in class. I don't like admitting it. I know it was wrapped into the rest of my trauma but it is embarising still. Now back to third grade..

2002 continued...

August: school starts, at this point it is fully my escape. I this early part throw small rocks at a kid and bruise his face... I did it because a friend of mine had been bullied for years by him, and he had finally hurt someone enough.. I wanted to protect everyone..
my parents also decided I was old enough to get my sister and I home every day by ourselves until they got off work. Problem is they trusted the older friend in the neighbor hood to ensure we made it home..guess what that's abuser two who has been abusing me for over two years now.
I tended to get isolated from my sister in varying ways and taken where I would get raped sometimes more than once before my parents got home, and was expected to be okay. It was how he cleansed me and made me the beautiful girl he knew.

September: I broke my collar bone in the middle of the night falling off of my bunk bed because of a nightmare. My parents woke up, told them my head hurt and I laid back down for six Hours in pain because I didn't want to wake anyone.
Despite the broken arm I remember seeing abuser two pretty daily, ha in a broken arm I was "useless" so he tended to be more cruel at this time, and then pretend to heal my arm afterwards.

October: a fourth grader I new at my school died. This was my first large loss in life. I stopped fighting my abuse, I remember just a sense of complete brokenness here...

Winter time: as my arm healed I got to going back to things as a kid I loved. The snow came again and sledding and joyful things, that thankfully I can remember in a good light occurred.
When my abuser was around all of that always changed. I used otmle him, now he was cruel, manipulative, and wanted to hurt everyone I liked... but I was still attached, I still cared because everything he gave me and Madelyn me believe.. I am realizing it's not my fault I believed.. slowly realizing. Winter time abuse is hard in my head because the cold added a level of pain.. he would make a point to shove snow next to every part of me to make it worse and see how long I could be quiet.

2003:

Spring: I remember finally being able to do the monkey bars again. I wanted to give anyone reading a positive note here.

I turned 9 almost made it to double digits and 3 years of abuse.

This ones hard.. I walked home with my sister and abuser for whatever reason.. he insisted we take a short cut through the very tall cornfield at this point... I protested more than I had in a long time.. but my sister.. not knowing insisted we did...I won't do full detail here. I have only once aloud done this one in full detail.. we walked until we hit a tree by the canal, this canal was not yet flowing, some of them don't in drought years... it was windy and warm but the tree was overwhelmingly large (it still is) he pushed me until I was either going to fall back onto the rocks in it.. or was was going to climb down. Which I did. He raped me in front of my sister while I screamed for her to go away and run home...all I cared about was he... he then bargained.. my sisters innocence once and he would never touch us again... I protested but eventually gave in... I watched him rape my sister starting screaming at him and taking it back...

I resorted to telling her repeatedly that it would be okay... that she would be okay, that she shouldn't be scared because I was there.... that it would be over soon... I can see the fear and the tears... I can hear her scream.. and feel all of the guilt that I have never fully let go of not with this and not when I was forced to hurt her when I was six.. bet you can guess he didn't keep his promise.. if anything the abuse got worse

[Elphanigh]

These are long and difficult I apologize. It is one of those times where I need to get things out. Read in chunks if you are reading this.. and please take care of yourself as I dive back in.

*trigger warning*

The spring continued with my abuser angry at me that I yelled and tried to make him stop. Anger was newer for this abuser.. I saw it from my first one, but this one was always calmer. That ended. He made a point to make it hurt more to make it last longer... and to do it more often..

Summer: same bits of that continued. Increasing in severity.. he would hit me or push me if I made a noise. In between being raped though.. he acted so sweet to me.. no one saw anything wrong

This is the year he started sharing me with his friends... we were allowed to travel farther from the house in the summer because I was older and could make sure I was home on time... we would go several blocks down to his friends house, while my sister played with one the the abusers sisters I was behind the house in a almost perfectly hidden spot with anywhere from two to what I remember as 8 ish people... I will let you all fill in the blank there. I can't right now. Except to add the people changed sometimes, and that it happened pretty regularly. Not daily like the other abuse I was suffering from him  but regularly

That makes it through third grade.. I get a break and some food. Self care for a bit

[Elphanigh]

I took the day off to spend with a friend, for some much needed recovery time. However, through talking through her I realized how much my family helped cause my guilt and me probably ultimately developing cptsd. I would have developed it either way I think, but maybe dealt with it sooner, or had less guilt. This comes from my mother especially... I love her and realizing how much harm she has actually done to my ability to heal and to find self worth is really hard.

I had a good home life, they gave me food and clothes and love. However the more I look back I see the problems as bigger than I used to. I think I minimized it like I did my actual abuse. I minimized having to be the safe keeper of my siblings when my parents have hours of screaming matches, my dad put his fist through a door a few times... when the only thing my mom ever found out about my abuse (she knows so little it couldnt even keep the man from seeing me) she left me in a dark room crying and no one came back for me... I was 7 and was abused for abour 5 mores years.... when I was shamed for being shy about changing, and mocked for it.. when I had nightmares and was told just to breathe and grow up.... when I was tickled in a loving way but asked them to stop and they didn't take me seriously.. not once... when I was shamed for being too skinny but was eating everything I could and gaining no weight... when I started to truly show signs of my cptsd, my mom was a psych nurse...

she screamed at me and locked me away, prohibiting me to see anyone and made me write an eating journal because I had a flashback and to them it looked like a horrible anxiety attack that if I just thought about it I could stop... I ended up in the hospital with IV medicine to calm me down because I had so little function... instead of care I was screamed at and forced farther down... she and my families reaction to that drove me to have a suicide note and almost try it.. one friend saved me.. the only time they mention anything about again what little they know it's about the "*" how he could have tricked anyone... and how he was ugly and no one could possible fall for it.... I was still being abused by him... to this day I am trying to figure out how to take my meds when I see my family this summer... because they can't know... I can't be anything but perfect... (I am on a small dose of one to help me not have nightmares, as well as a depression med that is just in general to mellow my symptoms out a bit.. it doesn't do much but it makes a bit more possible) let alone if they knew I was in therapy for anything... my family will never be a source of support and inrealize has retraumatized me in many ways

Sorry that was a much needed rant

[joyful]

Still sitting with you, Elphanigh. Still reading and sending support 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, Joyful. It is good to know someone is reading and sitting through this with me. I truly appreciate it

[Elphanigh]

Timeline Continued *triger warning* just in case

For the rest of 2003 I don't remember much but blurs of being shared among his friends and unkind words and threats. Really this is what I remember from 2003 to 2005. There are little specific things that come up when I really search but I hear words and feel the emotions more than I can describe specific things done to me during that time.

In summer of 2003, I found out my abuser was also molesting his younger cousin. She moved shortly thereafter. I felt like a failure because I had not protected her. I had now failed two people.

In 2004 summer time  I found out he had tried to hurt two of my best friends but they managed to get away. I was never so lucky. He also started taking me to a different irrigation canal that I found out was hidden all the way at the back of our neighbor hood. It was dirty and full of bugs/ rocks. I developed severe nightmares of these bugs.. even more than I had previously (I had severe nightmares starting as early as I can remember, probably stemming from trauma)

In I believe 2005 I lost one of my aunts to cancer (this is my second loss)
In the summer of 2005 I was "saved". My abuser made the mistake of trying to fondle an older girl in the neighborhood. At this time I was 12, she was at least 14.. and I  had been conditioned for 6 years. This marked just about 6 years of abuse to the tee.
When the parents found out they started asking their individual kids that were around him if anything had happened. I did say yes, but that he had just done the equivalent of make out with me and put his hand in my shirt. I was so convinced someone would be mad at me... and would hurt him that I never told the truth. My mom left me crying in her dark bedroom and never came back for me.. no one did. I had barely finished 5th grade and I was shown that everyone would run from it, and made to think even worse of myself when I was abandoned in that moment, and all of the following years. The abuse had stopped but my abuser was still around, I still saw him and was never safe at home..
I remember having to sit in a cold poorly lit room with a male officer that did his best to scare me having to describe what I told my parents. I also saw what i now know to be a child therapist who asked me to do the same and to see if I wanted help with it... I got a teddy bear and promptly told them that nothing more had happened and I didn't need help. I was fine
My family ignored it and life went on as if nothing had happened.

Fall of 2005 I started 6th grade in a new school

done for now. I hate that I have such a large blurry gap in my memory. I don't have many specifics to prove the abuse was occurring other than the gap in memory being a sign, and just all the emotional and body feelings I get when thinking about those years. My brain I think was finally at a point it could handle no more or I wouldn't survive

[Elphanigh]

Today is a better day. I thought I would post some good in among all the pain I have been posting in this journal. I need to remember the good days are part of my journey and why I can still have hope. Today is a better day because I can breathe, I can not be as consumed with my sadness as I have been. I have found some serious hope in watching the Youtube videos on Trauma Recovery University, and actually reached out enough o watch the live stream yesterday. That was big step for me, as it is not something I am good at doing. Reaching out is hard but I have had so much kindness from people I have never met within the last week that got me through a really terrible 5 days, and I am here able to remember why I survived and why I fight so hard to keep hoping.

I need to remember the good in my story as well, so I am writing it today to be able to hope it helps someone here sees some positives or gain some hope. As well as for myself to read on bad days.

[Three Roses]

 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you. The hug is much appreciated. Here is one for you as well 

[Elphanigh]

It always takes me a while after a rough streak to fully admit what is going on. Here is what I realize is happening (there may be more)

I am afraid of many things:
-not ever getting well, I know it will never be perfect.. but I am afraid I will never be comfortable
- afraid of living alone in three week. I am losing my roommate and my significant other.. I love her but we have to split on a very unique circumstance. I am afraid of being alone
-of no one ever accepting my truth fully
- of being too much for anyone
- of needing a partner that is nurturing and not finding one
-of not being able to accept my full truth as I am remembering more
- afraid of being swallowed by it

I am also hopeful now that I have cried finally. I am hopeful:
-that I will get better
- that I can do my career as well as my recovery
- that I don't have to choose between them in my life
- my chances of leading a full rewarding life are not completely gone
- that I will find the nurture I need in a partner that also challenges me and compliments what I bring to the table
- that I will be able to trust my own judgement
- that I will be able to feel safe

[Elphanigh]

I haven't posted in here in a while. I have been copying over some of my timeline for my therapist to see. I want to try to do it the way we need to do it for EMDR. I told her I wanted to try again. I have been doing better writing it out on my own. I have had time to realize why I am scared to do it and I want to get over that fear. It won't be easy but I am determined to get a start on it in my session today. I have about two hours to go before I attempt it. I am a bit reflective but ready to try. I trust her, and if this is going to work she has to be able to handle the truth of what has happened to me as a whole as do I.

Reasons I am afraid:
- I am afraid at how much there is.. abuse for 6 years daily and sometimes more really adds up. It is hard to put in perspective
- I am afraid because I have never done it
-I am afraid because I have never let someone know everything that happened to me
-I am scared my truth will swallow me whole, that I might drown in it
-I am scared because those 6 years of abuse aren't the only years I suffered abuse of some sort in my life.
-I am scared to remember more than what I already do.

Reasons to go forward:
-My truth deserves a voice
-I deserve to know that someone can handle it all
-I deserve to not have to be alone with it
- It will help me heal and lead a life I want to

[joyful]

Your truth DOES deserve a voice, Elphanigh. I really hope that EMDR is helpful for you and can bring some relief

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Joyful. I have come to believe it does very slowly in my life. I am truly hopeful EMDR is what will help me, talk therapy hasn't ever been truly effective. 

[Elphanigh]

I had a good therapy session on Monday. More prep for EMDR and a bit more elaboration on some things. My T read some of the timeline I have been working on. She got a better understanding of how continuous my abuse was. In our earlier meetings she had not fully gotten a good concept of just how bad it was. She apologized for jumping in too quickly, and assures me there is a way to go in slowly. She want's me to add good memories to the timeline, as well as to have it finished if I can by the 8th, which is when I see her next. I am nervous to do so but pretty sure I can manage it. I am learning to spend some more time on proper self care.

I found a better safe place to picture for my coping skills. I got a bit better grip on a really old memory. The only one I really have that exists before my abuse began. I really didn't know I had much of one. We are working on trying to cultivate that and to be able to take the feeling of safety that I felt there. It was before I felt unsafe in my world, and since hen I have not had that in my life. Feeling safe is terrifying but I am trying hard to figure out how to let myself feel it.

[Elphanigh]

I haven't written here in a while, but it is time that I do. This last week or so has been truly difficult, but also filled with some good. I am determined this stay my recovery journal for my abuser more specifically though. I have one for other things in my life that are not as connected until I find them to be at which point they move more into both.

I am starting to do more greiving for little me as I am creating a more full, detailed, and formal timeline. It is far to long to post here at this point. I am working on it in a word document so I can give it to my T to read before Monday. I don't think I could sit and watch her read it all. Letting her read the small working I had going was hard enough. I am trying to let myself grieve what I didn't have. I was never given the chance to be normal, to lead a normal life. Before I was 7 I didn't feel safe anywhere... I didn't believe I could be. I have cried today for part of me. I wish I could tell her it turns out better... I wish I could hold her and let her feel the warmth she so wanted... I crave that comfort right now, I am not dissociated (which I am getting better at, I have tested much better recently and noticed a change) but I want the same kind of warmth and kindness I wish was given to me then. The kind that maybe would have saved me, but never did.