Elphanigh's journey

[Elphanigh]

The conversation with my mom last night went really well. I think I am going to recover from the anger I have felt towards her for a few weeks. Will take some progress, but it did help she was helpful with an injury the other day.

I had a big health scare yesterday, that has kinda of set me fight and flight responses off.... I am starting to get past that being triggered but it is truly difficult. I hit the floor so quickly out of pain like I have never felt... I was scared I wasn't going to get up.. I am young but some really horrible issues run in the family so I was worried they had finally caught up to me, because I have avoid them so far. Today is less scary but my range of motion is so small, and I am used to being very free to move.. I am trying to move apartments and it has put me way behind on packing so I am hopeful this gets well soon. I can't afford to injure it more but I have to pack

I realized how strongly I feel fear, and how quickly those responses are triggered in me still. I went into child mode for part of the day, and just unable to handle it like an adult fully would. It is frustrating to be in that place.

I could really use a session with my T to kind of deal with the feelings I had and how terrifying it was for me. What it brought up and just what is still left. Living alone has been completely okay until that moment.. I realized how alone I was when there was no one to help and that there wouldn't be unless I could get across the apartment to my phone... It checked the list for heart attack symptoms almost fully... and having early set heart problems run in my family so I was scared and I think a lot of the fear I had as a child came running back with it... I know trauma is cumulative but in that moment I think I gained a fuller grasp on that concept

[Wife#2]

Elphanigh, you have been through so much lately, I'm sorry this joined your list.  Please try to be as kind to yourself as you can. I understand the push to finish as deadlines approach. Still, you can do more while working slowly and carefully than you can rushing and collapsing again. I hate the way that sounds, still it is true.

If you feel emotions building up strongly again, try to sit down, breathe through them. This next is going to sound a bit new-age, which is not like me usually, but maybe, ask each emotion that comes up if it can wait for a short while. If it can wait, knowing you will give it the time it needs for fuller expression soon, just not right now. Same for the memories. Acknowledge them, give them respect, but ask them if they can give you just a little more time to finish this move and have your next therapy session.

This move is representing a lot more than just a change of address. The anxiety, fears, loneliness and even anger, are completely understandable. You will get through this. You are strong enough. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for the hugs.  I have had a lot going on and life has a habit of adding more just when I think I level out. The back injury was not expected, my back has done better over the last year or so. I will work slowly and not rush. You were right in your wording even if it can sound bad. If I work too hard the injury will flare up and it will cause collapsing again in physical pain, and then the rush of emotions that comes with that.

That is a bit new age but maybe something worth trying.  I generally try to use my box that I have mentally created for my EMDR  but I struggle to get past the fear yesterday to think in that direction. I need to figure out how to make sure I have the options laid out well enough that when I feel that instinctual response that I can instead use your suggestion or other things that help me tuck away the emotion until I can come back to it.

This move represents so much right now. My life is in major transition and this move encompasses most of those changes all at once. It is exciting but terrifying and comes with all the realizations any major transition does.

Thank you for affirming me in this, and reminding me I am strong enough to handle this

[Elphanigh]

So this move is more than just moving the 20 minutes across the metro area I live in. I have known this and am excited but I am releasing a lot of things as well.
New things:
1. I am getting to create my own safe haven.
2. Getting a place where I am in complete control of who comes in and out
3. Making a new routine that is truly helpful for my recovery and my own needs
4. New location can mean a new start entirely. I think that life has been throwing me a lot of signs that this is a new start and new stage of adventure for me. This move is really solidifying it

Things I am leaving behind
1. I am leaving behind "our place". Everything in my current place me and my partner built and got together. I am leaving behind the space and getting rid of a lot of the furniture that just doesn't fit in my new space. I have not left my partner but I am leaving a piece of her behind there
2. I am leaving the routine and almost a feeling of normal behind. It is hard to create a new normal
3. I am leaving behind what safety I do feel with this place

[Elphanigh]

Recovery goals:
1. I want to forgive myself for everything I think I have done, or realize it was never my fault and be certain of it.
2. I want to learn to trust myself more
3. I want to learn to recognize and combat child mode better
4. I want to truly believe I am worth loving
5. I want to be comfortable being me, and not apologizing for it contently.

I need these things.. I want in my heart to know I was never a monster, that I was never bad, that I wasn't just good for abuse. I believed that there would never be anything else in my life and that it was my fault for being bad. I want to more than just logically know that it isn't true, I want to fully believe that I am not any of those things and forgive myself for anything that I find myself responsible. I want to find this in my whole being, to find peace with myself.

I think with that a lot of my other goals will start to follow along. I realize I must also find that someone can handle all of my truth. I think until I know that someone can that I will always feel like I am going to be too much for someone. My abuse was extensive as anyone that has read too much of this journal well know. I worry that if someone else can't handle it that there is something wrong with me... that there will always be something I could say that would scare them away... or make them see me as I have seen myself. I worry that no one can ever fully know and stay around. That I hold too much bad.. that there is too much darkness and damage.. that they succeeded at damaging me beyond repair.. and beyond where anyone can actually love and accept me

[Candid]

New things:
1. I am getting to create my own safe haven.
2. Getting a place where I am in complete control of who comes in and out
3. Making a new routine that is truly helpful for my recovery and my own needs
4. New location can mean a new start entirely. I think that life has been throwing me a lot of signs that this is a new start and new stage of adventure for me. This move is really solidifying it

Things I am leaving behind
1. I am leaving behind "our place". Everything in my current place me and my partner built and got together. I am leaving behind the space and getting rid of a lot of the furniture that just doesn't fit in my new space. I have not left my partner but I am leaving a piece of her behind there

This is so inspiring!

2. I am leaving the routine and almost a feeling of normal behind. It is hard to create a new normal
3. I am leaving behind what safety I do feel with this place

Believe me, I understand. Stay strong and let the 'new normal' establish itself around you, made up of whatever feels most nurturing.

[Elphanigh]

Candid,  thank you. I am glad you found it inspiring, I hadn't looked at it like that. I appreciate the encouragement. I will stay strong and give room for lots of nurturing things. I am glad someone understands 

[Elphanigh]

I have a lot of learning to do. I am becoming more and more aware of this fact. I am so determined to learn but it is so scary and difficult. I have been so anxious and scared and just scattered. I saw my psych for my three month check up and did an important thing. I voiced this and get to see if some regular anxiety meds might help level that out for me.

I have been doing yoga almost every day, really focusing on spending time at work grounding (although I don't have much time). I have worked on my ability to slow myself down with breathing and with different senses. It helps but none of it has been enough recently. I don't want to fully rely on them but it has been affecting my normal ability to function and get normal things done. This is hard for me to do, but I need to accept some help from a medication for now. I can't keep existing in this state. I am working hard to heal and I could use the help.

I get my new keys for my apartment tonight, I will spend the rest of the week working on that. I am hoping to create a safe space for myself to heal and find some peace.

There is a lot to handle right now, and I wish I could drop even one thing but I can't so here I am just trying to survive.

[Elphanigh]

I am learning to communicate better with people about my needs. I also received some much needed encouragement last night. Getting reminded that it was okay to focus on myself right now, and be a bit selfish with my time and energy. It is a comfort and a good reminder that I am trying hard to do all of the right things and finally heal. I do really want to be in a better place when I go to grad school, it is going to take a lot of effort to do so, but it is possible.

I am tired of things that other people decided to do affecting me so much. They decided to be terrible and to take so much away from me, I want my life to be my own. I can't even say I want it back because I never had it. It is terrifying to go through this work, and scary because I have no idea what truly healthy looks like... I have no idea what having my life not so controlled by this looks like but I have hopes it is better than things are right now. I just have to go through the hard work and the increase in symptoms currently..

I am exhausted and strung pretty thin right now, but I am going to create a better space as I move. I just have to get to the end of this exhausting period of time.

[jennyjenny]

Hi EIphanigh,

I don't have a lot of words to say unfortunately, but I want you to know I have read all of this thread and I hear you. None of this was your fault, I feel heartbroken for you. 

Please know that NONE of this was your fault. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE that these people threatened you, blamed you, forced you to do anything, and worse hurt you and your sister. Your parents should have protected you and listened to you. We know that not all parents are like that, or we would not be here on this forum. But I want you to know that you DESERVED TO BE TREATED WITH LOVE, KINDNESS, and PROTECTION.   It was not your job to protect your sister, it was your parents job.

I am here with you, sending you lots of kindness and compassion. You are very brave to be doing this, to be trying to recover your memories and heal. I am proud of you and you are allowed to be very proud of yourself.

<3

[Elphanigh]

Jennyjenny, I am amazed that you took the time to read all of this. It is a long thread to read and can be triggering I imagine. I thank you so much for taking the time to do so, it means a great deal to me.

Do not worry that you don't have many words. The words you do have are wonderful and perfect. I love the kindness and compassion in them, I need both of those and the validation you gave so much right now. You are right about all of it. I am coming to learn that and be able to see how things I put on myself, and got put on me were not actually mine to carry. Like protecting my sister or myself. I am still massively protective of everyone I love which can be a curse sometimes, but I am starting to learn it is not my fault when things happen and that it wasn't then.

This is not to say that I don't still blame myself some days,, because I certainly do. I am just at a level I can recognize that as a truth when I am reminded of it by someone else.

Thank you so much for your kindness, it means the world to me. I am ever grateful that you are here and reminding me that I have something to be proud of and am worth this compassion. I forget that sometimes.

[jennyjenny]

This is not to say that I don't still blame myself some days,, because I certainly do. I am just at a level I can recognize that as a truth when I am reminded of it by someone else.

Thank you so much for your kindness, it means the world to me. I am ever grateful that you are here and reminding me that I have something to be proud of and am worth this compassion. I forget that sometimes.

You are so welcome. And I also relate to all of this. My father kidnapped my sisters brother and myself and we were brainwashed. My mother did not come and get us, even though she found us. She constantly referred to the kidnapping as "when you kids left,"  regardless of the amount of times I replied "We did not leave. We were kidnapped. We could not drive cars. I was 8 years old. I did not leave. I was kidnapped."

Up until around 2 -3 months ago, right after she died, I also could not hold my truth about my mother not being who she said she was / not taking responsibility etc. without someone else reminding me of it.     I am 45 years old and I have ALWAYS needed other people to tell me the 'truth' about my mother. I also knew the truth this whole time - but the FOO dynamic and the CPTSD make me question myself, since that is what I was taught to do by the denial and minimization of the abuse by my FOO. 

You are worthy, you have survived things I cannot even fathom. The fact that you are functioning is a testament to how strong you are.   

Also , you are and were worth being protected. Now, and as a child.  It is ok to need reminders - I believe that is part of the CPTSD. At least it is for me. Hugs to you if you want them

[Elphanigh]

I will always accept hugs  I am oddly enough comforted by things like hugs, only from safe people but they are often the only time I am not in protection mode. Sometimes, dare I say, they make me feel safe and really nurture the inner child.

I am glad you can see your mom for what she was now, and I am so sorry for what you went through. I can't fathom being kidnapped by my own family. That would be a difficult path to go down. I am so glad you are healing from it all. I have been through many things some of which I am still starting to remembers, and others I may never remember. You are definitely not the only one who has said they couldn't fathom it, but you believe me and that is so beyond validating it is great. I am also glad I am not the only one that needs reminders. I am only 23 so I have a long road ahead, but I have hopefully started early enough to get to some point of okayness in my life.

Thank you for believing I am strong as well. I have fought to be here all of my life, and I don't always see it as strong because I have fallen apart so much in my life.

You are also so worth the protection and love. Hugs to you as well 

[Elphanigh]

I have been remembering a few things more clearly in the last few weeks or so. I think it is just because we started to time line my life in session and it might have brought some information forward for me.

*trigger warning from here*

I remembered most clearly the first time I was shared with two other people by one of my primary abusers. It was scarier than a lot of things I had experienced... and I have experienced a lot as anyone who has read this journal knows. I remember going into a irrigation ditch in the cold when it was windy, and the ditch hadn't been filled with water for the year. I had gone down there before but this time two other guys followed my abuser and I. I remember them just joking around and just saying they wanted to hang out. At this point I had known well enough that wasn't the case. I was about 9 or 10 and I had been abuse by 3 or 4 years at this point... I knew.. We walked down the ditch towards a bend in it where there are no houses where my main abuser took me a lot and thigns were as normal for a bit..

I remember them egging him on.. it was more painful because of that and the cold dirt was with rocks and roots was one of the worst places to get shoved and pushed violently against...

He gave them permission to do the same. Each worse than the other because they were trying to top each other and be better I guess...


*Trigger warning can go away*

I knew this happened but not in so much detail.. I knew I was shared for several years with other people and lent out... but I have only ever had one small vivid memory and a lot of blurs when it came to the rest of it.. so having this one settle in is difficult. I have remembered faces more too, can see more of what used to be a blur.

I hate getting new memories and really until this year I hadn't ever gotten new ones... I had always just had the chunk I remembered for as long as I can think back to... I just want to hug little me, and fix this for her... I had so many people do this and be cruel to me.. it broke me but somehow I am here... I have no idea some days how I am, but I did it somehow. I wish i could fix it, and some days I wish I didn't have to remember but I know I do.. I have to heal and I need to know more of what happened in order to do this.I just want to curl up somewhere safe and never see this kind of cruelty in the world ever again... I don't want to remember how it feels but I do...

[Three Roses]

There are no words adequate to describe the level of my anger at those "men", nor the depth of my compassion for you. Standing with you.