discounting my good deeds

[Blueberry]

Does anybody else do this? I often feel that I 'owe' friends for help they give me, although they negate this. One reason is I regularly forget things I have done for my friends. It's like it doesn't register with me, it doesn't really count. I'm presuming this is at least connected to FOO's constant harping on about my being "a burden" on the family, "not pulling my weight" (when I was 7-8 years old!) etc. It's not that I think I owe friends money, it's that I feel I'm not helping them enough.

[Candid]

I feel that way, too, and like you, I know where it came from. When I left my first husband I stayed with friends preparatory to leaving town, because No. 1 was physically violent. My parents came over on my last night and Dad gave my friend a bottle of wine for having me. I felt like a burden then, to be sure! And grateful to my friend, who knew about my FOO, for immediately saying: "Candid's welcome any time, and she knows it."

[sanmagic7]

absolutely!  i was raised to look out for everyone's well-being but my own, and to this day i'm so grateful for a kindness shown me, i want to pay them back.  for the longest time my daughter didn't understand why i would thank her profusely when i visited for being so kind to me.  she finally got it when we both went nc w/ my other daughter/her sister, and kind of put the pieces of my life together.  it's a biggie for me.

[woodsgnome]

First, I have trouble asking for outside help. While I don't have guilt trips over returning favours and the like, it was nice when I had a couple of friends and our mutual regard was that of true friends who don't banter about with ideas of reciprocating what felt natural. That friends number has dropped to zilch, though (deaths) and it's hard to figure where I might find another, living in isolation as I do.

While the asking part has become critical (especially with some health/mobility issues), I've also never easily accepted compliments, which ties in with a self-worth score resting near zero as well. Part of this is an offshoot of years of abuse experienced in judgemental (actually among the least of their cruelties) religious schools, but it started in the FOO. Basically, I was told I was no good and never would be. I have to wrack my memory to remember much in the way of praise, but if it happened I vaguely recall there were always conditions, a catch...you could do better, someone else did it right, here's some punishment for what you didn't do, etc.

What seems to have happened from there is so sad, yet so ordinary--I've distrusted every person from then on, sometimes with crippling effects on what little self-esteem I was able to retain and am only now trying to catch up on. Well, at least I learned who I never wanted to be like; often that became my theme--whatever I do, never be like them. Part of not being like them seems to have left me with lots of apparent empathy, but when I'm noticed for it--no, the unworthy aspect still rises to the surface. Contradictory but powerful.

[Candid]

All of that, woodsgnome. 

[Elphanigh]

I agree and understand everything that everyone has added here. I too grew up learning to care about everyone else's well being and not my own.
However, I just wanted to encourage you to try and trust that those friends really do mean that you don't owe them and that they are happy to help  . Believe me I apologize and often believe I am a burden on the people that I tend to rely on for help. Through one of them I have realized that it is possible for someone to be so good they don't want anything in return. I am sure the people that are helping you are much the same way because they enjoy what you have done for them and like you as a person.

[sanmagic7]

one of the things that has helped me a bit with this is to 'reverse it'.  i would think about how i felt when i helped someone or did something for them, then reversed it to see that others would feel the same.  people who do for others tend to do so because it helps make them feel good, too.  rather than being a burden, aren't we allowing them some good feelings, really, in doing something for us?  i'd like to think so.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Elphanigh, that's it exactly. Thank you for your encouragement. It means a lot.

[Blueberry]

hee hee sanmagic, good way of seeing it.  we're allowing our friends to feel good about themselves, and if they don't manage to set limits (if it becomes too much) then that's a little something they need to work on.

[Elphanigh]

Blueberry, glad I can offer my encouragement  Best wishes!

[sanmagic7]

exactamundo, blueberry!   big hug!

[Candid]

Does anyone remember Light's House? It's been taken down now, but she had a lot of good articles. One I remember was called The Problem With Being Too Nice. It it, Light said something like: "When we refuse help offered, or resist asking for it, we repel the best people and attract the worst." She made a good case for it, too.

[sanmagic7]

i like that, candid.  makes sense to me.  thanks.

[Blueberry]

Recently a friend asked me for help, which I was able to provide her with, and it was so easy! I noticed it because I'd posted here on this topic. She wanted advice on what charities of a particular type I could suggest she ask guests at an upcoming celebration to donate towards, instead of giving her a present. She had some ideas of her own and thought I might be able to give her some additional ideas.

So I remember: help can be something this small and easy for me but very meaningful to the other person. I'm not discounting this. Maybe it means I'm being more mindful about this topic now?

[Healing Finally]

Yay Blueberry!  - yes, it appears you are being more mindful, which is helping in your daily life.  Thanks for sharing.  Thanks for the topic too, this is me in a nutshell.

Perfect example:  I recently offered a ride to a friend to go to an event in L.A.  I was glad he went with me, as I did not want to go alone.  But we got into an argument on the way due to the traffic.  He didn't like how I was driving (evidently not defensive enough) and even though I knew he was being controlling (this is his nature) I still felt like I owed him something so I picked up the tab at dinner.  Crazy eh??  He even looked at me and ask why?  I just said it's no big deal. 

Then I thought about it later, *??  This is what I do.  I always try to make up for any disappointment I may have caused someone, and it's like if I don't they might abandon me. 

It helps me to see that this is what I do with my FOO.  It's like I always feel like I owe them something, for what??  Definitely something to work on...sheesh