need to get this off my chest

[radical]

I've been re-reading diaries from the worst time of my life, the time I had given myself a year to find something that would help, or die.

Month after month I was writing abut problems with my therapist not listening, not showing compassion, being harsh, mean, impatient, discounting my feelings - hurting me.  I didn't see this as a problem with her, at the time, but with me.  I felt it was my fault, and tried week after week to make things better between us.

Now I feel angry. I needed help.  I didn't deserve to be treated like that when I needed kindness and support.  It must have been clear that the approach wasn't working as my depression continued to worsen. I feel it is irresponsible and selfish for a therapist to respond to a client according to their own feelings at the time, rather than responding to the needs of the client.  That I was dangerously suicidal when I was enduring sometimes overtly contemptuous behaviour from my therapist, makes my blood boil.

There is nothing I can do about this.  I need to get over it.  It is in the past.  I don't know how to get to the other side with this.  I feel so utterly betrayed, by her behaviour and by my own.  I wish I hadn't accepted that treatment, let alone paid for it, I wish I hadn't bought into blaming myself.  I wish I hadn't put her feelings above my own needs.

[snailspace]

I feel for you radical.  It's a horrible experience.  So sorry it happened to you.  Big hugs.

[Candid]

Is it too late to report her, radical? A 'therapist' who can't put herself aside shouldn't be allowed near vulnerable people.

[Kizzie]

It is such a deep betrayal and should make your blood boil Radical, that's a healthy self-protective instinct kicking in imo.  I agree with Candid, it might be an idea to submit a complaint so you have done something for you and for others who see her.  It may be help you to begin to move out of the anger if you take action of some kind.

[woodsgnome]

Your anger is more than okay; it's fully justified, following a desperate hunt for trust, and someone to trust with. It's indefensible on her part, totally senseless. One thing about senselessness I've learned is I can't figure it out, and give up trying to find answers in a no-answer situation. This goes against my tendency to be self-vigilant and fine-comb every detail of what happened. We develop blind spots, almost in an eager mood, thinking we've arrived.

For a while, it was probably true that she was backtracking on your trust, but you didn't see it because of your abundant hope. That's commendable, not cause for self-blame. Stretching for hope, especially when it seems so close, is what we still desperately want others to give us. Trusting ourselves, though; learning that we could trust ourselves, within our own being, is strangely harder than wanting an 'other' to give it. As you've found, some people just have no inclination to reciprocate trust. Still your hope didn't fail you--she, and she only, did. Brooding is natural, too; but blaming yourself feeds on her power, not allowing your own to surface and protect you. But your own power is now demonstrably stronger, if I've read you right. Power in the positive sense--your power; and you know how not to misuse it. You've seen how that can go seriously wrong.

Whatever her motives, if she even knows or cares, she started to slip whatever veil she'd placed around her shallowness. Give yourself credit--you did begin to see through it; but held back because of old self-doubts that somehow you'd take the rap for what you now know wasn't your fault. And that your hunches were correct; she hurt you, though, yet still the hope star kept you going. Too long is a relative term; you only did what you felt best, and there's nothing but honour in what you did and how you're handling the aftershocks.

Sure, that's done, as you say; but forget it? Not likely. Still, with that corner passed, you've found an invitation--to honour yourself, dignify your being, and realize you found more self-trusting power than many could muster.

I know you've said before how hard it's always been for you to accept the good words of others. While these words are all I can use to express it, behind them is appreciation for the pain, grief, and anger still enveloping you. Maybe it's just as hard now, but I hope you'll accept the great admiration many of us have for how you've really done everything in a dire situation--violation of trust and crushing a felllow human is akin to the worst abuses we can experience. 'You're on the other side now'; that and 'moving on' can be redundant phrases, but you will find your way. No cliche there, you're demonstrating the rawness required.

That leaves the anger intact, though. Roiling and boiling. Personally, I know of a lot of situations where I could have used an anger coach. I didn't know how to deal with lots of things, and usually just numbed out, without the relief of expressing anger. While as a kid I was defenseless anyway, I found myself doing the same 'just get outta here' mentality as an adult; didn't know any better, got stepped all over, still prone to that. One time the trying for anger even boomeranged right back to the self-blame I was trying to overcome. I think that's where you seem to be, too. But you're there, now, and while still trying to understand don't know what to do. I know I wouldn't.

What you deserve is simple--love and support; lots of it. You came to seek it here; and we won't let you down. Okay? I know--just words, right? No, I think you know that too; that there's feelings behind these words. With you, and for you, and I hope you'll at least find that trust enough to help now, when you need it; and as things go along.

                           

[Fen Starshimmer]

Radical, Re-reading old diaries can be a triggering experience depending on how deep and freely you write, as I well know too. You never know what old memory you might tap into.

I resonate with your sense of betrayal and anger at your former T's invalidation during a very difficult time. She was totally wrong to discount your feelings... bang out of order, unprofessional. That lack of compassion is dangerous. I hate to imagine how her behaviour is affecting other clients with C-PTSD? Sounds like she lacks the credentials to call herself a trauma therapist. I wouldn't touch her with a barge pole.

That I was dangerously suicidal when I was enduring sometimes overtly contemptuous behaviour from my therapist, makes my blood boil.

Radical, I agree with the others, your anger is a natural and healthy reaction. I feel she emotionally abused you, and it's triggering old wounds as well. At any rate, I agree that reporting her could be therapeutic, a way of taking your power back and righting a wrong! She will hopefully learn something from her mistakes (or be struck off) and other clients will be saved the pain, humiliation and betrayal you suffered during 'therapy'... which is supposed to be healing and supportive.

Right here with you Radical.   

[radical]

Thank you everyone.
They aren't just words WG.  I do know that, and I really appreciate the compassion and generosity that reach out to me through them.

You're right, this will always be unknowable, and the temptation to believe there might still be some kind of resolution, just makes me miserable.  There is no way back from this and I just have to give up the daydreams that get in the way of feeling the grief.

I cared about this person, I trusted her with things I'd never trusted anyone with.  I did learn and grow with her.  And I will never know why it became so messed-up and ended up the way it did,  if there was never any authentic caring, or if it was lost, if there was something I was triggering that changed things...  I'll never know.  What I do know is that she didn't need to lie, stonewall and gaslight me to protect herself, when I tried to talk to her.  I never meant her any harm. 

Earlier in talking about this on another thread, I tried to explain my problem with her (highly inconsistent) concept of no-self which I so often felt silenced and invalidated by, in trying to work through my problems.  This article in 'Psychology Today' seems to explain part of the problem:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/out-the-darkness/201704/the-self-is-not-illusion

All too often, in spiritual circles, the concept of no-self is used as a form of spiritual bypass, as a way of avoiding psychological problems. If you don't exist as a self, then all the problems associated with yourself no longer exist either. For example, you might suffer from anxiety and low self-esteem, or be frustrated because your job isn't suited to you, or distressed because your partner is abusive to you. But if you believe that the self is an illusion, you can disregard these problems, pretend that they're all just part of a "story" that has no significance.

[sanmagic7]

no wonder you felt invalidated, radical.  if there is no 'self', there is nothing of you. 

all i can say is that i witnessed just how hard you tried to make this therapeutic dynamic right, and how much time and energy you put into trying to fix it.  sometimes, and i can totally relate to your efforts, we need to go thru these things in order to learn what we need to know, not only about ourselves, but all the triggers that pulled you in, kept you involved, and made it so difficult for you to finally say 'enough'!

i have nothing but admiration for your process with this, and i believe your anger is part of the process.  it's valid and valuable.  i had all this with my icky therapist (yes, i learned some things from her, but she also took advantage of what she learned of me and manipulated me to her own way of thinking and doing) and it was a monumental betrayal.

i did report her, and i got a modicum of closure from it.  it took me 8 yrs. to get through my feelings about it, (i didn't have this forum, tho - i'm sure it wouldn't have taken that long, but i had little support for doing this at the time) plus anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds (which i'd not had before).  if you are able, it might be a good way for you to go, when/if you are ready.   if not, that's ok, too.  whatever works best for you.

you've come such a long way with this issue, radical.  brava!  i think you've done really well.  it's good to see you angry now.   big hug.