story - think I have c-ptsd *triggering*

[silentsurvivor23]

Pretty new to the forum, this website and the sister site OOTF has helped me so much over the years. Lurked for a long time but never joined or shared. Trying to make sense of things as I've been struggling with coming to full terms with the abuse - mostly struggling with my enabling mother lately. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.

Grew up with a lot of emotional, verbal and some sexual abuse - no physical other than intimidation. Emotional abuse was from mother at an early age, then father later on - sexual from grandmother (mother's side) when young then covert sexual from father in teen years (inappropriate comments, staring, oversharing etc), and continued creepy non sexual touching from grandmother rest of childhood - teen years. From a young age always knew something wasn't right but we lived isolated in the country and this was my 'normal' so couldn't do too much. Parents fought a lot, mom had a nervous breakdown when I was 8, dad freaked out about his reputation and used parental alienation with me. We became 'best friends' - became a surrogate wife more or less, bonding over how much my mom sucks and later on he'd start criticizing me.

First year I was a teen I got molested by an outside family acquaintance. Parents found out, police got involved and he got arrested then got out on bail. At the time thought I was in love with him and wanted to run away so tried to get in contact with him. My mother found out, told my dad and he lost it - took me on a drunken drive raging, yelling that I don't care about him anymore, screaming that he would kill me, my mom and himself then proceeded to try to kill us both, driving 80 mph down a steep hill in the opposite lane screaming if I was ready to die. When we got home my mom didn't believe/care and said he was drunk and did that to 'get some sense' into me and that he would never 'really hurt me.'

Tried to escape and go to the women's shelter but realized if I got caught chances were much higher he would go through with his threats. Numbed out and lived that way for years. Parents blamed me, said 'society corrupted me' and took away friends, television, internet, music and money from my jobs. At 18 I moved out and went to college. Still saw them every few months - years went by without any real altercations - everyone moved on like nothing really happened. Mom has always acted like everything was just peachy and that I was her 'precious gifted daughter.' Have been treated like both the golden child and scapegoat. Told one minute I was talented, gifted best at everything (and often anxiously achieved like a dancing monkey to prevent the 'fall') then the next minute was told I was worthless, stupid, will never amount to anything and a dumb whore like my mother. Sometimes I wish I was just one or the other, that's the worst - feeling like there was hope - like I could do something, if i just tried hard enough, got good enough grades, cleaned well enough, made them happy then they would finally accept me. But eventually I'd always 'fall' and realized after a time I couldn't win. (This was before the death threat). After the death threat I just didn't care. Realized they were crazy and made it my goal to get out.

So here I am today. I'm married to a great guy and we live thousands of miles away. My mom writes me often on social media and guilts me often for moving away, writing about how wonderful our lives were and how much she misses me and how my dad is so nice now, he's mellowed out, stopped drinking and cries that he misses me. She tells me she cries missing me too. No feelings for my dad, realize he's dangerous and haven't felt any guilt since I was a teen. But my mom gets to me. I feel somehow responsible for her as if she was a victim (though logically I know better). Lately I've been struggling with a lot of anger - realizing she was there this whole time - that she was my mom and stood idly by and did NOTHING. How did I never notice that before??? Just went under the radar....always thought she was so nice, innocent, caring, loving and a victim too. Now that I'm nearly 30 I realize if I ever had kids I would never do that...I'd never put up with that, it'd be just as abusive as the main abuser. My brain can't reconcile this and I'm really struggling. Considered no contact - the frequent messages result in days of feeling terrible after. But part of me can't let go either - there's guilt, love, hatred and confusion. This is my story and this is where I'm at. Struggled for so long on my own with this but realizing it's bigger and harder than I let myself realize.

[Wanttothrive]

Just sitting here with you, reading and re-reading your story. Thinking how strong you are to share it and how much you've been through. Feeling heartache that you went through this.

Others will have more wisdom, but I want to address your parents' alternating between complimenting you to excess followed by horribly abusive language. I call this Push Me-Pull You. It's crazy-making behavior and it is terribly confusing and controlling. I lived in this as a child too. What my T has explained helped me to extracate myself a teeny bit from their control. Maybe it will help you.

He said this kind of behavior is to control and to make themselves look and feel better. Compliments make them feel better about themselves: 'See what a talented child we have. This must mean we are smart and good parents'. Abusive language keeps you in check: 'You are a loser, stupid, etc.' This keeps you in the sick family system, especially if you are showing any signs of strength or standing up for yourself. It's as though you are an object at those moments. Sadly, they did not care about you when complimenting. It was largely for their own benefit.

This helped me as I realized they are just sick and it had nothing to do with me. I had to (and am still in process) grieve the loss of parents who never really cared for me in healthy ways. But sloooowly I am bringing false beliefs about myself to the light. I do that here, with my therapist and with my husband.

Everyone is different so it may not help you. That's ok. Please know that I for one am rooting for you. I hope you post more.

[Three Roses]

(I'm rooting for you too!  )

[silentsurvivor23]

Thanks for the support Wanttothrive and Three Roses, means a lot right now. 

Wanttothrive - sorry to hear you struggled with similar things from your parents complimenting then devaluing. It is so confusing and crazy making. You're insights are helpful, - realizing how both complimenting and devaluing behaviors are sides of the same objectifying coin - hurts to not be seen or understood for who you actually are. I'm slowly realizing my whole family was sick, not just my father, trying to come to terms with it. The 'nice' behavior, being supportive, complimenting, encouraging is what keeps me stuck sometimes I think. Glad you have found support with your husband and therapist and are recognizing false beliefs. Sometimes I feel like there's different parts of my brain I can't seem to reconcile - logically I know, understand the truth and recognize what's happened/happening but emotionally I'm not on the same page. Idk if that makes sense. Sometimes I'll feel like everything's fine - like I should just talk to my family, almost that I'm the problem and making a big deal. But later, logically I'll realize what's actually happened and I'll think what is wrong with me for thinking things are fine?? It's like two separate parts of me that can't see each other fully. Maybe it was easier to blame myself than face the full truth. I think deciding to remove myself from the family system as much as I could makes a difference in the way of getting healthier - just sucks realizing that maybe the people you thought existed were only in your mind. My mom as I saw her doesn't actually exist - guess it feels like the emotional aspect of the illusion is breaking lately and I'm struggling with that. Best wishes on your journey hope we can eventually find some peace.