CPTSD makes sense...

[Morelia]

Hi,

I came to this forum and to CPTSD the long way around. I had a traumatic childhood (in short, I have a parent whose behaviour was highly damaging to me; I lived in a household full of tension due to my parents' toxic marriage; and I experienced bullying/nasty teasing/ostracism at school). I don't remember a lot of it and brushed it aside for many years, unaware of or unwilling to face how much it had affected me. I couldn't even acknowledge that I'd suffered childhood trauma because it sounded (and still sounds, to be honest) so overdramatic to me.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's about six years ago, which rings true and explains a lot about my life (including why I had such a hard time with the social side of school). However, I began to realise it might not be the complete story when I came across CPTSD. A lot of my quirks that I'd been ascribing to autism actually fit the diagnostic criteria for CPTSD. The only thing I wasn't sure about was the emotional flashbacks. I couldn't remember ever having had one.

A couple of weeks ago someone's loud voice triggered a strong response in me: my heart started pounding hard, my face got hot and flushed and I experienced a white hot burst of panic. It only lasted a couple of minutes, but as it began to fade and my rational mind came back I thought, "Well, damn." It fit the bill for an EF. It was totally disproportionate to the situation, as the person who was talking is in no way dangerous, and I'm pretty sure I know what the origin is. What's more, I recognised the sensation. I realised I'd experienced it a lot of times before, only I hadn't been able to name it so I'd shrugged it off as another of those weird quirks.

I'm now pursuing a diagnosis so that I can get the treatment I need to get my life on track. While I do all that I'm going to hang around here. I don't know how much I'll post, but I'll be lurking and learning, at least while I sort this stuff out.

[Three Roses]

Welcome! 

[Candid]

Good to have you here, Morelia! 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Morelia     I grew up in a family with covert NPD and we looked quite normal, but they was no genuine love or caring or safety.   I tried to brush it off too but it just doesn't go away on its own unfortunately.   It took me decades to see how damaging their behaviour was, but now that I do I finally feel like I know what I was/am up against.   

Anyway, there are many of us who didn't think we were traumatized because we weren't hit and/or sexually abused, but in the end we at the heart of all of our trauma lies emotional abuse/neglect.  We all live with  feeling unsafe, loved, unable to trust, like we don't belong, that we are defective, not worthy, etc., so you are in good company.

Glad you found your way here and I hope that talking (or reading) helps you in your recovery