What the non-abusive people in my life say about me....

Wife#2 · April 18, 2017, 02:46:47 PM

I had another thread that inspired this. We all need help with that affirming voice we don't usually hear. It's there, but it's been drowned out by all the noise of the IC, OC and our own negative self-speak. Perhaps we're still IN an abusive situation. Regardless, we all NEED to keep hearing what others see in us. We NEED to know that others care, that we DO have good in our hearts and that we CAN be full participants in our own lives and maybe even in society as well.

Here's how I imagined this thread..... Each of us cyber-joins hands. We imagine taking turns being 'in the center'. During our turn in the center, everyone else shares the traits, personality and/or anything positive about that person WITH that person. If you see your name, save the post. We want only honest posts, please. We want everyone to see that, despite or because of their personal pain, their wonderful qualities do still shine forth for all to see!

Because there are so many people who I care about here, I'm going to pick one who has been especially close in my heart:

Sanmagic7 - it's your turn in the center:

What Wife#2 says about you: Gentle heart, warrior spirit, wise, compassionate, mother-bear heart, open, genuine.

Who wants to go next? You can share about how Sanmagic7 has touched you or you can hop in the middle for your own turn.

Wife#2 · April 18, 2017, 05:21:25 PM

OK, this might seem awkward. And I like the way Elphanigh did on her post better anyway...

If you want to continue this thread, great! If not, join me and Elphanigh on her thread Three Good Things :-)

sanmagic7 · April 18, 2017, 11:43:35 PM

thanks, wife2. very sweet and generous of you. you touch my heart. big hug.

Elphanigh · April 19, 2017, 01:50:16 PM

Wife2, I do really like this way as well. It is good to get affirmations from others that care. Especially if you can't find three good things like my post would offer.

Sanmagic7 I am pretty new but you have been nothing but kind and encouraging. It seems that you have such a wonderful heart that can care for everyone. It is a great trait

joyful · April 19, 2017, 04:45:57 PM

Great idea Wife2!

Sanmagic, You are so wise and supportive. I'm so grateful that you share your wisdom here, for us all to learn from

Blueberry · April 20, 2017, 06:25:07 PM

sanmagic, you are very supportive. You seem to take time to support many people. So that means you're very caring too.

Wife#2 · April 20, 2017, 07:44:38 PM

San, can we keep going? Because I have more for you:

You are incredibly intelligent! You even know some curse words I didn't know before! ;-)

You are thoughtful, posting just the right thing at just the right moment.

You are genuine. A true friend!

Contessa · April 20, 2017, 11:50:17 PM

Strong, safe, warm
In three short words.

I always look forward to your responses

sanmagic7 · April 25, 2017, 11:45:29 PM

o, wow, i just got tingles down my legs reading all this.

i wrote in my journal that for the first time i consciously remember, the other night as i was going to sleep i felt what it is like to feel loved. i don't remember ever quite feeling this before, would always cry heartily when i'd see something like this on tv or in a movie. i'd come to realize that i was crying because it was something i'd never really felt (the alexithymia).

because of what i've been dealing with lately, and what both all of you and my daughter have been giving me in the way of help and support with this so that i will be able to leave a relationship that has no trust in it anymore, i have thankfully lived long enough to feel the giving from the heart that says love to me. it is truly miraculous.

you all don't know what you've done to me and for me. my brain is literally being re-wired with your help, and that is a tremendous accomplishment. i can't thank you and this forum and my daughter enough. tears in my eyes right now of being overwhelmed with the kindness and beauty of people who often struggle to see it in themselves. you people can't even imagine the difference you've made in my life with this.

if you ever doubt your goodness or worth in this world, come back and read this. you all may have suffered horrors at the hands of others, but they didn't touch your hearts or your spirits. what a group of incredibly wonderful people i'm surrounded by. i never expected this. never.

this is what van der kolk talks about when he says that a supportive community is one of the fundamentals of healing. you all have shown me what i have been missing in my real life and in my marriage. this has no battle in it - i haven't had to struggle to make myself heard, i have been accepted for who i am (curse words and all!), no one has told me what i should or can't do.

my daughter was the first one to show this way of kindness to me - you have all given me so much more of it. what a miracle you are. it reminds me of harry potter. dumbledore always told him that even with the horrors he'd faced, and the losses he'd known, he still had the ability to love. in the end, it was love that conquered all the evil in his life. you've shown me that ability, and it's so incredible. i know that we will conquer our own evils because of it. thank you so very much.

Elphanigh · April 26, 2017, 01:25:15 AM

San, that is such a beautiful response. i am glad I can be even a small part of something that has helped you. You really have been nothing but kind and caring on here. This group has given me so much hope that there are truly good people, and hope that all of your kindness is something that also is in me.
I am glad you are having the strength to leave something that is unhealthy. I am here if you need anything at all.

sanmagic7 · April 26, 2017, 01:40:39 AM

elphanigh, the kindness within you has been shown over and over again on this forum, not the least of which has come thru on this thread. never doubt it, or yourself. your heart is good, strong, and courageous, and as long as you do and say from your heart, you never have to second-guess yourself. you are a blessing to this world, to this forum, and to me. thank you for being you.

sanmagic7 · April 26, 2017, 01:50:38 AM

wife2, i just wanted to let you know that you have done something so kind and thoughtful for me, i'm still reeling. when you first suggested this i thought that whoever was in that circle would crumple to their knees and cry under the intensity of goodness. after your second post about this idea of yours being awkward, i thought that was the end, and i didn't look back here until today.

after seeing what i saw, the responses, i ended up on my knees in gratitude for such a wonderful gift from such a fabulous friend. i was crying halfway through, didn't even make it till the end before the tears of wonderment and, dare i say it? joy began running down my face.

this is a moment in my life that i'll never forget. what a beautiful soul you have. thank you for being you.

Elphanigh · April 26, 2017, 02:29:59 AM

Thank you San. You have no idea what that has done for me. It is hard to remember my worth sometimes, something I am working on. I am so glad to know my kindness has helped and shows. It is good to hear. Hearing good things often gives me the same reaction you seemed to have.

Wife2, I am so glad you have started this thread. It is helpful in more than what you expected it seems. I think anyone in this forum could benefit from being in the circle and contribute

Wife#2 · April 26, 2017, 12:35:15 PM

I'm typing through tears, so please forgive the misspellings.

Everyone - and I mean EVERYONE who is part of this website is precious to me. Those who've challenged me, those who've gently opened my eyes when I wanted to shut them, those who've been pure support - unending - all of you.

San, I have a special place in my heart for you. You are my older sister or young aunt. You are my family of the heart. I let very few people that deeply into my heart, but from the very first of our postings with each other, you have been a voice I've deeply missed. As a great compliment to you, I compare you to my heart-mother sister.

Like you, she was kind, thoughtful, generous with her time, her words, her life. Like you, she had her own demons she was fighting and rarely asked for help for herself. As her beloved little sister, I sought to be there for her as she had been there for me. My opportunity was cut short by her too young death.

While I only visit the website while at work, I will use every opportunity I have to be here for you, support you and reflect back to you the love and kindness you have shown me and so many others on this site. You deserve to be honored, to hear your praises sung by those who know them.

In a way, the anonymity of this website allows us to stop pretending and to be genuine. I don't have to worry that you'll recognize me on the street - besides the fact we're on such different parcels of land. I can be who I always wanted to be. YOU can be who you always wanted to be. We can grow into these people with the love and support found here. We can even spill our horrors - get the OUT of our hearts to make room for the love and kindness we receive in return for the love and kindness we show.

For this reason - for this website - I'd like to nominate the next receiver to be Kizzie. Kizzie - without you we wouldn't have this space to heal, to grow, to form bonds of friendship and cyber-family.

Wife#2 · April 26, 2017, 12:45:02 PM

Kizzie, I'd like to invite you into the circle.

From my first post to earlier this week, you have shown that your heart is huge, generous and welcoming. I think it's important that we sometimes hear the accolades others feel about us. Especially in this place, where we are extracting poisons out of our hearts so they can begin to heal. We are working to heal our broken minds and broken souls. This is happening because you, and others, had a vision.

What I see in your posts is genuine love and kindness and hope. I don't know what it cost you to get where you are, though I can imagine. I see a person who hopes to make the world a better place, a safer place for everyone. I see a fighter, not afraid to say what needs to be said. I see a generous heart, willing to share your story, shaping it to the hurting person you're trying to help, encouraging and beautiful. I see a woman I admire and respect.

While this website may have happened anyway eventually, it wouldn't be the safe haven of healing it has become without you here. The spirit of openness, kindness, respect, joy, caring, helping and reaching out that permeate this site are all flowing from you, because they ARE of you. This is what I see about Kizzie.