Suppressed memory

[Lingurine]

Hello people,

I'm new here and hope this is the right place to tell my story. Maybe a trigger warning is at place, I just describe my feelings about a suppressed memory I had two weeks ago.

My mom and dad left me to go out when I was a child. A man came to babysit and I constantly see my white skin next to his black skin. I was about five years old. This man was a 'friend' of the family, also a vicar and a predator. I hope I don't hurt people by writing this but I'm still in shock about this memory.

Pieces in my head and soul click together though, as if I finally know what my body is telling me for so long. Can anyone relate to this? How can I know this or have suppressed this memory for so long?
I feel so sad about it.

Lingurine

[Blackbird]

Hello Lingurine, welcome. I'm new here too 

I've been going through something similar, if it's any consolation at all.
Best to find a therapist to help you deal with the motions in an appropriate way, is my opinion.

I've been finding good support here, hope you have the same experience.

[Lingurine]

Hi Blackbird, Thank you!

I'm talking to a Psychiatrist for years and I think now is the time I feel safe enough to let more painful memories in. I'm NC with my FOO for a very long time and am on meds for depression.
I'm also on this sister site OOTF but thought this story belonged here.

I just feel so sad and wondered if anyone here feels the same. It's hard for me to talk about my feelings.

Thank you for your kind response.

Lingurine

[Blackbird]

Definitely. I have Bipolar Disorder, so I know what depression feels like, but this sadness takes a whole new meaning to it.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Lingurine     It makes sense to me that we keep certain memories at bay, repressed, stuffed way down below consciousness because they are painful, soul threatening even and terribly hard to bear, especially as children.  It's one way we protect our self or soul; that is, not remembering the unthinkable so we can go on.

If you are beginning to remember it is perhaps because you are ready to?  It also makes sense that you would be deeply, deeply saddened by a memory like the one that is surfacing.  There may even be anger too, which is an affirmation (IMO) that it should never have happened to you, that the perpetrator should have been held accountable.  All normal (but difficult I realize) feelings IMO   

[Lingurine]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response Kizzie.

It's true, I also feel anger, especially towards my parents for letting this man near me.
It's hard to feel anger, feeling angry feels soul threatening, so I feel mostly sad and terribly down.

I don't know how to live with the idea that my mother was so proud to be friends with this man, who was a vicar and she, being so religious thought maybe some of it shine onto her.
It's hard to believe my own mother offered me to this man. All of a sudden he was gone, so that tells a lot. They never mentioned him again. 20 Years later I saw him at the station and recognised him. That's strange, because I was only 5 years old. I remember having terrible nightmares as a kid. I was a scared little girl.

Thank you for responding, it's so important to start with this piece of the puzzle in my healing journey.

Lingurine

[Kizzie]

   to you Lingurine, I hope the sadness begins to lift as you comes to terms with what happened to you. 

[Elphanigh]

  to you Lignurine. I am actually going through something similar right now. It is really the first incident of it in any phase of my processing that I have run into. It is really difficult but definitely trust your emotions and give them their time, they and you deserve it. Personally I have found that hard this week because I remembered (before my 3 days of EF and 4 hour panic attack) who one of my abusers was. I had always seen the abuser as this dark scary figure but my mind finally filled in that blank. It hurts and can definitely lead to a bit of anger at the situation.

Know that you are not alone, Lingurine. Big warm hugs to you 

[Lingurine]

  for all of you who recognise this sort of pain.

Elphanigh, Thank you

It is really difficult but definitely trust your emotions and give them their time, they and you deserve it.

It truly is difficult, especially the trust part. I see vivid images, pictures in my head and they make me understand other things, paralells in my life, if you know what I mean, things click.

I remembered (before my 3 days of EF and 4 hour panic attack) who one of my abusers was. I had always seen the abuser as this dark scary figure but my mind finally filled in that blank.
Know that you are not alone, Lingurine. Big warm hugs to you 

So you didn't know who abused you, through EF you found out? What is EF?
Big Hugs to you too 

Lingurine

[Elphanigh]

Lingurine thanks for the 

Trust is hard. It always has been hard to trust myself but it is a learning process.

EF=emotional flashback. It is where something similar in your day to day life triggers you in such a way that you have all the feelings of fear or hurt etc.. that's happened with your trauma but don't have the visual that comes with normal flashbacks. Mine are strong and can last days if I am not quick to pay attention to them. It is not necessarily the EF that brought the memory back, I had a emdr session a day prior and sometimes memories can come back through threapy. It took me 24 hours of processing before I saw that one when I was remembering on my own.

I had multiple abusers, this one was my first one. I am still not sure I trust my own memory about it but it would be hypocritical as I have just told you to trust yours. I do mostly I just wish I could know for sure. Sorry this is long. I hope it helps

[Lingurine]

Elphanigh, it sure does help. Thank you for explaining. Actually, I had a EF two weeks ago, I was threatened on the street by a man. At first, I was very upset and found my overwhelming feelings were not in proportion compare to the encounter and later on, I got really down. That made me wonder.
After a week or so it clicked and the memory came up. The man reminded me of the abuser.

An incredibly sadness came over me ever since. I couldn't possibly know the circumstances when I was only five. I have these images and the feelings. A long time ago my brother said the same happened to him with this man. It's strange, my parents never listened to me, so I have to give myself that, a listening ear.

Thank you for your story, I know it's hard to tell. Thanks for this forum.

Lingurine

[Elphanigh]

Lingurine, I am really sorry that you had that happen to you. Triggering or not getting threatened by someone is horrible. 

I am glad you realized what it was, and why. I find that is important, and helps add some value to the bad days. If you can learn something like what that trigger was for you then the bad experience isn't a waste. I have done a lot of work finding positives in things. I don't mind telling my story if it will help someone else. I am also attempting to more fully go through it in my recovery journal so that little bit was nothing compared to what I need to accomplish. Thank you for letting me share and finding it helpful.

Giving yourself what you missed is so important. I am glad you are trying to give it to yourself. Know you will always have a listening "ear" on this forum.  People are truly kind here from my short but very good experience on here

[Lingurine]

Elphanigh, I agree, like you said, when something triggers me, I'll try to see the positive side so I never suffer in vain and let the universe tell me what needs work on my part. Next to the feeling of fear that made me want to curl up in bed and close my eyes to not feel anything, I got the feeling of, thank you strange man on the street, now I finally know what puzzle piece was missing so far in my life story. Hard, very difficult, but so important or I'll never get past this.

Wishing you peace and wisdom.

Lingurine

[Elphanigh]

Lingurine,

I wish you peace and wisdom as well. Fear is a really difficult thing to get past. Believe me I understand that. It sounds like you are doing everything you need to.

Best wishes always