God is always watching you

[hurtbeat]

Is there anyone else out there who, like me, feel like you are always being watched even when you're alone?
I felt like that as a child in my strict Christian family, God was always there to watch and judge even when my mother couldn't.
Always reading your mind.
Always knowing everything.
Always silently judging you.

[Three Roses]

Yes, I almost always feel watched. But I don't think it's God - I think it's my Inner Critic waiting to find an opportunity to filet me for some minor offense, real or imagined.

[hurtbeat]

Same same?

[Candid]

I think it's my Inner Critic waiting to find an opportunity to filet me

[woodsgnome]

Building on what ThreeRoses shared, perhaps injecting a little humour into your response might help? I speak from my own experience of having been trapped in a religious environment myself, but realizing that there was major hypocrisy going on. In school and with the FOO actions never matched the 'holy' words used; eventually it was obvious terms like 'g.. is watching you' was just a smokescreen behind which they loved to hide their basic contempt of myself and, by extension, much of the world.

So I of course unconsciously learned the fine art of dissociation. And of course that can become problematic, as has been discussed in numerous posts on this board. But in addition, in my own mindset, one of my inner self defenses was building a separate vocabulary I used only to myself--using it publicly would of course attract their punishment for evil thoughts (never stopped their evil thoughts; they had the perfect disguise as g's representatves).

So back to the humour, and my yen for word-swaps...I developed my own term for the abusers who threw the g-word around like that. I just started calling them (again, just to my inner self) as the GAWD-AWFULS. For my own sanity, it made me feel like at least I could make them tolerable by considering them as the buffoons they truly were. And didn't need to express myself in frustration by punching plaster walls, as I also did a couple times.

I always had probs with the g-word and the other terms. Until I realized the g they were yapping about didn't fit with the other words like 'love' and 'forgiveness' and all of that. More word swaps ensued on my part, but an important part of re-framing the whole disaster was what author Cheryl Abrams refers to in her book titled 'Firing God'. Finding other ways to deal with the hurt--not necessarily in disbelief of the whole notion, but finding other ways to see through the pain.


Before I get carried off in words (I always have a fear of being misunderstood) just wanted to share a slice of how I dealt with the GAWD-AWFULS...and/or Inner Critic or Gremlin or any of those other buffoons wanting to mess up your life. While of course that's also anger-driven, it also stems from mountains of grief. Every port in a storm, I guess.

[hurtbeat]

Sounds like a good way to stay sane, Woodsgnome!
I myself resorted to swearing as the ultimate release back in the day, today I still swear a lot but I remember the relief I felt when uttering the "forbidden words" to myself.

Still though, always had that feeling of never truly being alone in the room.

[Candid]

Still though, always had that feeling of never truly being alone in the room.

I mostly have the opposite problem. With my lifelong gotta-run issue, I've many times found myself in situations where there's no one I know for hundreds or thousands of miles, and the people who are presumed to care about me don't know where I am. No one's looking and no one cares. So I'll feel trapped in some hotel room or even a quickly rented dump thinking "no one knows I'm here". That makes it hard to walk out into an unfamiliar world full of unknown people.

Even living with H and MIL, I still have that feeling that no one sees me. Oh, and I get "gotta run" on a daily basis, only I don't think I can any more. I'm too tired to walk round the block.

[hurtbeat]

I'm sorry to hear that, Candid.
Sounds a lot like focus is on caring, or rather Not caring, in your case.

For me it's not about care, it's more like I'm being watched for no good reason.
Not because whomever would be watching cares, unless this person is judging me.. but I guess that's just me projecting my inner critic onto "god".

Do YOU care about you?

[Candid]

I do, but in a last-gasp kind of way. I know I'm doing myself a whole lot of no-good with cigarettes, coffee, and to a lesser extend, booze. It feels like I want to be ill as a way of not having to do anything any more. Energy is at an all-time low,

My parents, particularly my mother, were the disinterested kind. I was once abducted for several hours, and when I finally got home I just got a rocket for missing lunch and being late for dinner. They hadn't even called the friend I went to visit.

Ho hum.

[Blueberry]

Candid, you care about other people. At least on here. I read it in your posts to all sorts of people, not just to me  I mean this in a good way, I don't have the impression that you care too much about other people aka codependent. So anyway I hope you can transfer a bit more of the 'care about' streak to yourself. 

I'm so sorry about what you endured in the example you mention.   

[Candid]

I hope you can transfer a bit more of the 'care about' streak to yourself. 

Thanks, my darling. Feeling a bit stronger today. Not , more like  .

[Wife#2]

*** Trigger warnings possible, I really can't tell sometimes ***

I felt like that as a child in my strict Christian family, God was always there to watch and judge even when my mother couldn't.

Which is exactly why I worded it very carefully when I was trying to explain to my then DS6 about God caring about his life. It's hard to be a Christian and watch out for all the landmines of abusive language. Especially (for me only, not saying everyone) being raised Catholic. Nuns in the school, Priests in the church - CONFESSIONALS. That scared the ** out of me. I felt I BETTER tell that Priest EVERYTHING, because GOD is watching and HE talks to the Priests directly (not us lowly parishioners).

Your mother did teach you that 'God is Watching' so that you would self-monitor and be hyper-vigilant, so she wouldn't have to be a more attentive parent. That made her life a lot easier. You'd now beat yourself up emotionally AND feel guilty whenever you did or even thought anything unpleasant. I'd be willing to bet you got a fair dose of 'Honor they Father and Mother' mess as well. Funny how they only get that far. And, most who throw that phrase around don't really understand what it means fully. We may honor our parents AND disagree with them. We may honor our parents and still be VLC or NC with them. Honor is not a synonym of servant-like-obedience.

What the Bible meant when saying that God is able to see all things and know all things is that we are not alone in our struggles, we are not alone on this planet. We can always have God as our refuge. NOT the creepy peeper that some of our parents turned him into, for their benefit.

[sanmagic7]

to me, god is love, no more, no less.  i get strength, courage, acceptance, and kindness from love.  i left the god of religion a long time ago.  didn't do a thing for me, neither positively nor negatively.

if i feel i'm being watched, it's by people around me who want to judge and be critical.  waiting for me to make a mistake (the perfectionist in me).  but i never attributed that to god.  i eventually found my way to a safe and secure spirituality which serves me in the ways i need.  it may not be for anyone else because it's completely personal. 

i truly hope you find your way to and with your own concept of god.  i've never been more connected to a spiritual base than when i redefined this for myself.  best to you, sweetie.  it can be a tough ask.

[hurtbeat]

Candid: I'm so sorry to hear about your abduction and that your family didn't care 
I suppose there are a lot of things we do to stay sane even if they are destructive, such as drinking and smoking. It also helps in some way.


Just to clarify to everyone: I didn't get the typical American christian upbringing, I got a Swedish christian cult upbringing.
So the morals are quite different to begin with since our countries differ a lot and also adding the skewed view of the world that my mother had.
She was obsessively controlling more than anything else so I guess that my childlike mind that couldn't grasp the abstract concept of God felt that God, as reflected by my mother, is controlling.
That I may do whatever as long as he knows what I'm doing and has total, unreserved insight.

Not so much focus on morals though but rather a lot more focus on "being right" and doing everything just right, kind of like OCD. Following the cults word to a T. 

[Wife#2]

Oh, hurtbeat, how horrible! Nobody can do anything perfectly! That is so much pressure you grew up under, I couldn't even imagine. So, you must do and act and behave perfectly, always, because GOD is watching. Oh, how abusive. I'm so sorry, again, Hurtbeat! Us telling you that it isn't true, that we're human and we foul up and we make mistakes and we survive and are still good people - can you even hear us? Because it's true! You are so much more valuable a human being than that system allows.