offered up

[silentrhino]

my mam offered me up as the sexual object for my dad from the age of 9 because she had an outside relationship.  No one believes me, I was brainwashed to think it was the only way to protect her.  I felt she "deserved" the outside relationship because my da was so abusive towards her.  I never realized I deserved to be innocent and protected.  I don't remember ever being innocent.  I went into the relationship willingly (sort of) because I felt I HAD to or she would die (not an unrealistic fear in our household).  I was so stupid, even now I feel so stupid.

[Fightsong]

Rhino, you weren't stupid. You were 9 years old. You were abused. What you did came from a place of innocence and belief  in  those adults charged with protecting you, who ultimately betrayed you. Children don't realize they are entitled to innocence and protection. Many of us are taught it is  desirable to be mature and want to help others. Many of us are programmed to disregard our our needs / desires / feelings  and  put others first, to the point that we shut things away in our little childlike hearts and souls so they don't feel like they hurt. We do what we need to survive. We are clever like that.  Child abuse is never the fault of a child, even if you could go back, it would not be your job to prevent it or re-write it, that was never your job. You were 9. 9 years old. welcome to OOTS. I hope you can seek out some resources for  therapy or counselling,  we need to speak our stories. They live within us, festering in the dark places alone with shame.

[Kizzie]

    No, not stupid Rhino     If you think of any little nine year old who was being sexually abused would you ever think of saying that to them?  None of us would and yet we say things like that to our Inner Children all the time because we have learned to blame and shame ourselves. 

Maybe focus on this when you find yourself blaming and shaming;  that is, no child should ever be subjected to what you were.  Hopefully it will ignite some self protectiveness and compassion. 

Sending adult you and younger you many, many 

[Blueberry]

     whole post from Kizzie
but allow to repeat the salient points:

You are not stupid Rhino! You didn't act stupidly either.  If you can hear it and  I hope you can, your parents acted terribly towards you.
to you.

[Dee]

Maybe you could sit down with a picture of that 9 year old or another 9 year old and write a letter of compassion.  How can a child be responsible for what they do not understand?  If it were true of you at 9, then it was very true of me as well.  Would you tell me that?  Even if you initiated, you were not responsible.  You were the child and he the adult.

I also worry no one believes me and I have about as much proof as anyone could have.  Recently someone told me to ask myself "who cares?" as long as I know. 

[sanmagic7]

well, we care, and believe, and my heart breaks for all the children who were forced/coerced/betrayed into something that was plain and simple wrong.  every child is innocent, every single one.  we have child minds at the age of 9, with child logic.  no 9-yr. old could make adult logical sense out of such a situation.

still, even at 9, we try because we are told to, expected to, programmed to think and act like adults.  the problem is that we get stuck there, in that 9-yr. old mindset because no one ever taught us how to get out of it, how to see it differently, how to understand what really happened.  instead, we were encouraged to continue in the same vein, and we did the best we could.  many of us survive - many do not.   it is too great a burden to place on a child.

silentrhino, thank you for sharing this, for bringing the darkness out into the light.  you weren't stupid, you aren't stupid, you have no reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed.  the adults who imposed their will on you in such a horrible way deserve to feel ashamed and embarrassed.  they were the ones in the wrong.    big hug to you. 

[silentrhino]

thank you all for your kind words and messages of support, i  feel I remained complicit in my family incestuous affair because I had to or mam would die.  I don't know how one gets over feeling so betrayed and so stupid for letting it happen.  I have been feeling suicidal lately. every picture of myself as a child I have burned, I hate that stupid boy.I could never write him a letter because he didn't exist,he was just an object.

[Three Roses]

You weren't stupid, you were betrayed. There is no shame for you. Stupid speaks to intelligence, this had nothing to do with intelligence. This had to do with living in a sick system and trusting your parents to lead you in the right direction, in which they failed miserably. They failed. Not you.

No one was stupid in this situation. You were innocent, trusting, hopeful. They were cunning, devious, treacherous. They were traitors.

I'm so sorry you went thru this, you - we - deserved better.

[Atticus Finch]

It happened outside of home to my son beginning age 10. Years later he thinks it is his fault and that he will be in trouble equally with the perpetrator because of his minor role in what happened. Anyone as young as you especially cannot be responsible or in trouble. But I am told that sort of feeling takes the longest to extinguish. Hang in there. What you feel is normal to feel and will pass. Forgive that little girl. She had no power or real understanding.

[Elphanigh]

Silentrhino, I understand these feelings so much. I am struggling with the self-blame and shame still as well. Know that what everyone here said is right. It was not your fault, you are not stupid or at fault. You were a trusting child, we all are at that age. It helps to remember that if you were talking to any one of us that have similar stories you would tell us the same. You deserve that kindness and love from yourself. I know it is beyond difficult. I am here to help in anyway that I can.

[Dee]

I wanted to add one thing:

I BELIEVE YOU!!!!!

[sanmagic7]

silentrhino, putting you in a position of responsibility for the life of your mother at age 9?!!!  of course you were complicit, of course you allowed it to happen, maybe some parts of you enjoyed it, felt good about it because you were being so heroic as to be saving your mam's life!  that is mighty powerful stuff!!!

it will take time and work to get out from under this burden that had been thrust upon you, but it is do-able.  you were given an iron cross to bear, and you bore it because you were told that your mother would die if you didn't.  what a brave, courageous soul and heart you had, still have.  it was that heart that was taken advantage of, that soul that was mauled in order for someone else to feel powerful.

in their lust for power, you were reduced to rubble, and that's what you're attempting to climb out of now, to see the sun after all this time in confusion and darkness, shame and self-blame.  it can be done.  we're holding out our hands for you to help give you a lift up little by little, at your own pace, as much as you feel comfortable doing.  take care of yourself as best you can.  you're not alone.   

[Wife#2]

**** TRIGGER WARNING: DEFINITION OF RAPE ***

My son is almost 9. I know that he would do ANYTHING if he thought it would protect me. Even something he believes in his core to be wrong, as long as it kept me safe. That is how 9-year-olds think!

Somehow, your abusive father figured out that this would work on you. He abused your love of your mother to force a submission from you.

There is no way short of abuse for a man to think that his wife's infidelity gives him a right to abuse his child. I'm not sure where you call home, but in the United States, most states recognize any child's inability to agree to sex under the age of 18 years old. That is TWICE the age you were when your parents put you into a horrible situation and abused you. Sex with a child is rape. Period. Therefore, anyone who has sex with a child is a rapist, a criminal. Period. Add to that the fact that is was your father and the crimes stack up against him.

There is no way for me to express how deeply saddened I am that you were forced in to this situation. You deserved parents who put YOUR needs first and who looked out for your safety. You still deserve this, though the people whose biology formed you are not capable.

There is a little boy stuck in there somewhere. He's scared and scarred and hurting and confused. He is NOT stupid. He is NOT weak. He is not twisted.

That you trusted us enough to peel back this painful layer says a lot. Thank you for that trust. You are safe here among friends. I wish that I could give you a big enough hug to let you know that you are a valuable human being. That we are glad you are on this planet with us. That you deserve the air you breathe, the food you eat, the rest you crave. YOU DESERVE TO LIVE.

You don't deserve what happened those years. That you survived at all is a wonderment and a glad tiding to your strength and worth. That you want to get better, and found this place, is a testament to your determination. There is a part of you that wants to live, wants to thrive and wants to love himself. He may only be 8 years old, before this horror you survived, but he's still in there. He still believes in you. I still believe in you.

Silentrhino - you matter to the people in this forum, on this site, in this world. YOU MATTER. Not for what you can do for us, but for being at all. Just for being alive, for choosing life all these days when the horrors replayed. Thank you for choosing life one more day. Let us be here for you if we are able. Keep breathing until you can find your way past all the undeserved guilt and undeserved pain to the place where the parents' power is removed from your life and you are allowed, at last, to live as YOU - someone worthy of love, joy, comfort. YOU ARE WORTHY of these good things. Stay with us until you find your way to believe that.

[Dee]

Wife#2, you know I love you BUT that is NOT statutory rape.  A nine year old is unable to consent.  That is rape in the 1st degree and incest, exactly what my dad was convicted of.  A 15 with an 18 year old is statutory rape if they consented. 

I use to sometimes come onto my dad (this is a shame issue) because I wanted to make him happy so he would love me.  He was still the adult and had a responsibility to me.  I was groomed to do that, but that does not in any way mean I consented.

[Wife#2]

I was groomed to do that, but that does not in any way mean I consented.

Dee, thank you for the correction. I will edit my post to correct it.

These last words on your post are very powerful. All of us are standing with you, and silentrhino and all the others struggling, hoping we can help in any small way.