letters to FOO

[sanmagic7]

  right back atcha!  the proof is in the pudding.  sounds like your mind and body have given you feedback on your decision.  yay for you, blueberry!

[silentrhino]

HI there, adding my two cents.  I have dabbled in the thought of trying to "right my wrong" by getting FOO to understand and help me.  Unfortunately in my case my FOO are so seriously screwed up that it is just a waste of my energy.  I think the hardest concept for me is that these were their problems, that they inflicted on me.  I was young and vulnerable.  I wasted a lot of time trying to "fix" things, which for me meant to get validation from FOO.  Even though their behaviour was beyond despicable, actually illegal they take no responsibility for it.  Interacting with them only keeps me more locked into the cycle.  I have not gone NC (officially) but in my head I try to separate them from me.  The hardest part is realizing it really IS them, not me as I have always believed.  Letting go of them trying to validate my experience and validating it by myself is very empowering although I'm not that great at it, I have flashes of insight at times.  I just choose not to interact because I know every interaction is an opportunity for them to have a go at me, no matter what I say. I know this is not particularly concrete information about whether you should send a letter or not, for me I can just say they would find a way to use it against me, they are not rational, they are barely even human beings, sorry blathering on...

[Candid]

these people play a game, and it is one we can't win, because they're the ones who are in control of it

The control they have is that we yearn for healthy relationship with them, and their game is to withhold good stuff and mete out bad. The only way we can have a win is if we stop caring about healthy relationship and treat them as they've deserved. I don't mean NC, because no one wins at that; I mean we have to give up the idea of a Loving Mother (or whoever) and have secure boundaries and self-respect if we're going to relate to them at all. They thrive on us going back asking for understanding and raking over the stuff that's hurt us in the past. It gives them great delight to trot out the vivid imagination and I don't remember lines and watch us crumble.

Not that I had time to do that. I needed to be away from them in order to have a shred of self-respect, and I needed help such as this site to see through the FOG. It took too long because I didn't want to believe my mother hated me so much, just kept begging for understanding. I think I could have continued to see my FOO if I hadn't called the 'mediation' and hadn't expected anything of them. And I'd like to see our Blueberry sufficiently self-centred to withstand the slings and arrows of her family until such time as she decides they're simply not worth the trouble.

I'm not going to write any letters to FOO. I may still write some getting-the-anger/pain/speechlessness-out-of-my-system letters and post them here, but I won't be sending any of that. I already feel some relief and calm, and today at least I have more energy for daily life.

I'm remaining VLC / LC, not even announcing NC. Just leaving as is, knowing that if FOO especially parents come up with: "it is soooo long since we had proper contact. We have no idea why...", that I will then reiterate my demand  for VLC.

No need to demand, Blueberry. You just consistently limit them to what you want. I believe you can block particular phone numbers, if you want to.

Here's to our loving hearts! 

[Candid]

Interacting with them only keeps me more locked into the cycle.  I have not gone NC (officially) but in my head I try to separate them from me. 

That's the way, silent rhino. In time you may be able to have relationships with them that are on your terms.

The hardest part is realizing it really IS them, not me as I have always believed. 

I know. Weird, aint it? We'd rather believe we're horrible people than that they are. Here's another loving heart who needs a big dose of self-love.

Letting go of them trying to validate my experience and validating it by myself is very empowering although I'm not that great at it,

Keep going, rhino!

I just choose not to interact because I know every interaction is an opportunity for them to have a go at me...

Yes. When you're so strong in self-esteem that their "goes" at you no longer have any effect, you could choose to interact with them again. But why would you bother?

[sanmagic7]

i don't know if i could ever get to a place where when my daughter jabs at or disrespects me it will have no effect.  mother's heart and all that.  that's why nc has been my choice with her.  maybe no winners, but much less pain, grief, worry, hurt, etc. 

the same goes for the others, like my ex.  too much manipulation, too much emotional distress, too much confusion.  i just don't want to live my life in such a state anymore, not even for little bits of time.    i don't need it.  i felt like i was cleaning house when i went nc with these people, just don't need to deal with them on any level anymore.  i've got my own stuff to think about without having them pop in on me with their b.s. every so often.

i guess it works differently for everyone.  some people can have limited contact and are ok with it, and i'm glad for them.     the people in my life, no.  my folks are dead, so i don't know what that might have been like if they'd still been alive.   that's what makes recovery so personal and individual.  we make the choices that are best for us, even if they might not work for someone else.  no blame, no shame, no judgment. 

candid, i love your 'loving heart' concept.  every time i see that, i smile.  it's beautiful.

silent rhino, we were the ones who were abused, whether as children or as adults.  that makes the others the abusers.  as children, we had no power over what was happening, so it couldn't possibly be our fault.  as adults, we had been set up to look at people and relationships as a way to continue getting abused.  our programming was faulty, not us.  the main thing is that we are choosing a different way to look at everything now, and are taking back our power and ability to make healthier choices for ourselves.   to me, that's what counts now.  whichever way it works best for you.   big hug!

[Candid]

i don't know if i could ever get to a place where when my daughter jabs at or disrespects me it will have no effect.  mother's heart and all that.  that's why nc has been my choice with her. 

I'm so sorry if I triggered this, San. I have no children, and was thinking particularly about my own FOO... how I have so recently given up the dream of good relationships with them, and how ostracism might have been avoided. Not that I'm blaming myself; I wasn't as strong then as I am years down the track... or as I'm asking others to be. Oops.

my folks are dead, so i don't know what that might have been like if they'd still been alive.   that's what makes recovery so personal and individual.  we make the choices that are best for us, even if they might not work for someone else. 

Yes. We are individuals with very different circumstances.

no blame, no shame, no judgment. 

Someone please let me know if I'm being too strident.

[sanmagic7]

candid, not to worry.  you were coming from your own experience, and i respect that.  it's just that my experience has been different is all.

as far as the intervention with your foo, i think you did what you thought best at the time.  you had good intentions in your own loving heart, and wanted to be closer to them in the way you thought would work.  maybe you didn't have enough information at the time, didn't know enough about how abusers think and work - i don't know.  you do seem to be pretty hard on yourself about it, tho, and that may be due, in part, to your present circumstances, and what you've gone through because of it at the time.

i've made some doozy mistakes, lost very good friends because of them, and think of them often, how i'd love to get them back somehow.  there is a place in my recovering mind, tho, that keeps telling me it's gone now, i did what i did and i can't make it right anymore.  i struggle not to beat myself up for what i did, keep trying to keep it in mind that my programming led me to act the way i did, make the choices i did.

if i could do it differently, i would, but that goes for myself as well.  if only...there's only one phrase that comes to mind to follow that 'if only' and it's 'i'd known better'.  it covers relationships, parenting, my experience with that awful t i had - a myriad of circumstances and situations.

the bottom line and complete truth is that i didn't know better, couldn't have known better.  as for you and your foo, you didn't know, couldn't have known.  we can stop beating ourselves up for information we had no access to at the time, don't you think?  it's part of the c-ptsd beast that we have these losses in our lives.  very sad.  since it can't be different, i'm going to continue moving forward knowing that i did the best i could with what i knew at the time.  grab my hand - we'll move forward together.  and we'll grab anyone else's hand who wants to join us.   big hug, my dear candid.

[Three Roses]

Blueberry, will you post the letters you write here, or keep them private?

[Candid]

there is a place in my recovering mind, tho, that keeps telling me it's gone now, i did what i did and i can't make it right anymore.

I agree. If old friends or relatives come looking for me I'll deal with it as I see fit. Until that time, I need to make new and better contacts.

grab my hand - we'll move forward together.  and we'll grab anyone else's hand who wants to join us.   big hug, my dear candid.

Backatcha, my friend and sister.

[Blueberry]

3Roses, when I start writing I'll post on here,  because I can write on here without literally damaging myself whereas if I write that kind of thing in private on paper, 'damage' is more likely, and even if that's not triggered, it's far more strenuous for me to keep the emotion-thought connection going. But I need that in order to feel what I want to write and what's going on and at the same time in order to put it into thoughts and words and sentences. Otherwise speechlessness sets in. For that this forum has become very helpful for me.
Thanks again everybody at OOTS 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i'm just so glad that you can use this forum to gather, arrange, and organize thoughts and feelings by writing them down here.  that is so great.  you, my dear, are making progress.  big hug!

[Blueberry]

thanks sanmagic for the  on my progress. Your validation helps. 

[Blueberry]

So I was re-reading this thread earlier this evening.

There's still a FOO letter my T thinks I need to write. Or at least he said quite a while ago that it seems I need to. Maybe I don't anymore.

I got out of bed some time this afternoon thinking, yeah I'm going to write to B2 and I even had the wording in my head. But then by the time I got on here and distracted myself by reading this and that (my bad!), the wording had gone. Then I re-read this thread and note that the anger energy has got me out of bed before only to realise when I come on here to write that my brain goes blank.

[Blueberry]

Why should I tie myself in knots to communicate in a 100% emotionally healthy, non-dysfunctional way when the rest of FOO - all supposedly sane and normal - can't communicate in a healthy way either?

No reason. TBH, from having tried so many times to communicate my distress to FOO, I don't believe there's any way you can put things that won't backfire on you.

I think now there is a reason actually. It is one of survival in whatever state of VLC one has. While I'm still at a "tying myself in knots" stage it's almost impossible to communicate anyway, but when I am able to communicate, then it's best for me to be as emotionally healthy about it as possible. Because the more I can do that, the less likely FOO will get stuck on what I'm saying and start arguing back and the less likely I am to end up engaging later after all. So basically, if I can communicate what I feel I need to without setting off a FOO dysfunctional ping-pong game, then that's good.

If I can't, the letter needs to be on here a while first as a Recovery letter to let the vitriol out.

[Blueberry]

I removed 'pls comment' at the top of the thread. Not that I'm against comments, but I don't desperately need them on this thread since the idea of actually sending these in this form is long gone.