Morning Panic

[Maceo]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post, and first want to express my gratitude to those that have developed this site (discovered it via a good friend a few days ago and have already found it incredibly helpful.) I also really appreciate all of you for, yes, reading my post, but more importantly, just being here. To find a site in which so information resonates and to find a sense of community in this forum, to know I'm not alone, is incredibly comforting (though I do also feel badly so many others have to struggle with CPTSD. Really, it's a burden I sincerely wish was not so prevalent -or better yet, in existence at all.)

I was originally going to post this in the "EF" forum, but as I'm not sure if this is an emotional flashback, I thought this forum might be more appropriate. I'll keep it brief. I've had issues with insomnia as long as I can remember. I started taking sleep meds when I was 20 and, with the exception of the few years I spent in an abusive marriage, they have for the most part been effective. However, I do go through stretches in which I often wake up feeling absolutely panicked and ashamed in the morning. Sometimes I can remember the  awkward nightmare that put me in this mental state, other mornings I just know I wake up with guilt and dread. Most mornings I can shake the feeling within an hour or two, but some days it drags into the afternoon/evening hours.

I was wondering if this is anything anyone else has experienced this, or had any suggestions in how to manage (or even perhaps overcome??) this issue. Would this be considered an emotional flashback? Does the label matter?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. Any feedback would be most appreciated.

[Candid]

Welcome to our online support group, Maceo.

A number of people seem to be having nightmares now. I used to, and I found it helpful to make brief notes as to content. If you make this a habit -- pen and paper by the bed -- your subconscious understands that it's being taken seriously, and you're more likely to remember what happened when you wake up.

Shame, panic, guilt and dread.... it's no way to live, is it? I'm glad you found us here.

[Kizzie]

Welcome Maceo, glad you found your way here     Waking up is the time I find I am most in touch with the pain and fear of the past too.  I try not to push the feelings away any more, but to lay there with them at least for a bit and see what they are about.  In the three years or so I have been actively recovering these feelings have decreased.  I think it is because I do acknowledge them and they are becoming more a part of me now rather than blobs of dark matter floating around waiting to pop to the surface when my guard is not up (as in sleep).   As Candid suggests, writing them out may be helpful for tracking and working through the feelings 

[Maceo]

Thank you both, and I'm really  grateful I found this forum as well. About 2 months ago my doc wrote me a script for blood pressure medication with the off label usage of treating nightmares. I really like the idea though of accepting and perhaps processing the dreams instead, and will certainly bring that up in our next session (and will keep taking it as prescribed in the meantime.) the connection with the subconscious, and "my guard being down" in sleep is a new way of looking at the situation.

Thanks both for you time, and I'll certainly try jotting down and remembering the dreams, After years of bouts (weeks or months) I'm opening to trying anything (esp. as it's not just a new medication.) Thanks again!

[Kizzie]

Let us know how you do Maceo, I know I'd like to hear    Wishing you sweet  soon.

[Maceo]

Hi Kizzie,

So I'm starting to remember more of my dreams. Some I don't bother noting as they are obviously present day concerns, but I had a very odd/scary one this morning. I was living with my parents again, and still dating my ex husband. I had a lot of things to take care of, and wanted to have him leave early, but my father insisted on driving my ex, and my ex insisted on my coming with them for the long car ride. . . Skip to the end. The car breaks down shortly after leaving the house, and these kids wander towards us. It was a country setting (no where I recognize) and had an almost "deliverance" feel to it. Anyway, one of the boys (must've been 8 or 9) had this little scroll saw and started sawing on my left shoulder. I told him to stop but he just laughed and kept playing his game. Realizing he wasn't going to listen to me I asked dad to tell him to stop. Dad said he wasn't doing any harm, just ignore him. But when he started drawing blood I started getting upset again. It seemed as though the more I yelled at the boy, the more he laughed and the harder he'd saw. I asked dad for help again (as blood was dripping  down the front of my shirt now) but got no response from dad.

Then I woke up. Starting to understand why some mornings I wake up in a total panic now. 

[Babysister]

I had that every day of my life for all my years of recovery up until i realized the true nature of my psychopath/covert narcissist abuser 3 years ago.
Once i shifted the shame to my abuser i had a new spring in my step and woke without fear and dread.
I think the fear related to taking on the shame the narcissistic abuser projected onto me and she did this with intent yo harm-all personality disordered people do. I intellectually knew i was not yo blame at 18 but putting the feeling in place took sooooo much longer.
I'm sorry we have had to endure that but once you see you were the victim of abuse and have no shame you'll wake up feeling safe.
If we feel shame about the abuse it is akin to feeling guilt and this in turn causes fear.
I think you should read the book Healing from Hidden Abuse. It is so helpful in placing the blame squarely where it belongs. I hope you do well. I don't think i am going to stay around this forum. I get a bad vibe.
Take Care.
Babysister

[A_Girl_You_Dont_Know]

I get bad nightmares too. Mine worsen with stress so I always know to expect them when stress is high (like now). For me getting my anxiety level during the day helps with nighttime but it can be a vicious cycle. I don't think this helps much but you're not alone. Welcome!