Can't find my inner child

[texannurse]

My therapist has me listen to inner child meditations, where you see your IC and relate to her, mother her, etc. But mine never shows up.
Is that normal? Does it just take time? or does it just not work for some people?

[Kizzie]

Did you develop CPTSD due to childhood trauma?  If you're having difficulty connecting with yours it might be something to discuss with your T and maybe try some other methods.  One I found to be really helpful was writing to mine in my dominant hand, then switching to my non-dominant hand and letting her answer.

[Blueberry]

Yeah, I'd discuss with your T. It could be too early and this is your psyche protecting you. The first contact I had in T with IC was way too early. I had an image of me treating IC the way M treated me. No image would've been infinitely better.

It's possible that your T needs to alter the meditation a bit for you, something in the meditation could be holding your IC back, like even the voice speaking the meditation.

Before I could imagine myself mothering my ICs I had to do a number of other IC activities. I did whole IC workshops - 3-4 days at a time for several years. That's not possible for most people probably, as in workshops not even offered. Anyway, one thing I remember: I needed contact with my stronger, less abused ICs who held and still hold resilience and more positive memories, like playfulness, independence.... before I could get into any kind of helpful / therapeutically useful contact with the really damaged, sad, angry, lonely, hurt ICs.

In the workshops I did, we mothered each other and practised switching from being mothered to mothering a teddy bear as a symbol of an inner child. Switching prevents you getting stuck in your IC role. For me, getting up and moving around was important. Like bouncing around the room and that being 'allowed' by those mothering 'me'. Just 'talking' wasn't always enough. I had to do things with my body. Small children learn kinesthetically... I don't know if any of these experiences are helpful. There are methods you can use in group therapy, which you could only adapt to use in one-on-one therapy.

[texannurse]

Yes, the CPTSD has it's roots in childhood - since at least age 9 and ongoing for a number of years. I do the non-dominant hand writing and it just stirs up bunch of anger and self-blame, makes me feel worse. I also picked up a book on it - but that has not proved helpful either.
Maybe I am too early in the process to start. If I try to imagine my IC, my brain goes numb and all I see is white fog.

[Blueberry]

Texannurse, based on my experiences, it's just too early for you. Anger, self-blame and white fog and numb brain. Your body and your emotions are making it clear! Be patient. The time will come when you can do IC work. I hope your T is flexible enough to do something else with you for a while, even a good while if necessary. Going too fast and forcing yourself to do things you're not ready for can backfire big time. Worst case scenario: re-traumatisation.

[texannurse]

Thanks Blueberry - yes, she tells me to just do what I am comfortable with. But I want to push myself to get there. Sometimes I'm my worst enemy. I want healing so bad I hurt myself in the process. Being gentle with myself and going slow are not easy for me. I wish it were easier.

[Blueberry]

Yeah I know it's really hard having to have patience with yourself so long as you have this beast called CPTSD. I can totally relate, although I've been going at it so long now that I know I have to go slowly. Being gentle with myself does not come easy though.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Speaking gently to myself and holding a teddy bear help me