Thought of self harm

[shoshannah]

I am 21 yr old college student who was neglected by my father and my older sister has BPD. I am also still recovering from abusive relationships in my life.

When I have nothing going on, or have a night with no plans my mind will go straight to self harm...even though I have done so much self care and am in such a better place, my mind ruminates on self and harm and thinking "I'm nothing" or "no one likes me"

It's so rediculus! Especially because I know that I am a great person! And that it's not true! But that inner critic keeps coming up...

Just wanted to share because this is what I'm going through right now. Usually I just brush it off, but I want to know if anyone else can relate. This website it so encouraging and I am so happy I found all of you.

Thank you for reading. Spreading my love to all of you. We can do this.

[Blueberry]

Oh, yes, I can relate. As I've just posted elsewhere, it's almost impossible for me not to injure myself (I pull my hair out compulsively) at least once a day. The only method I used to have to prevent this was wearing socks on my hands. Now I've only just remembered this second that when I had socks on my hands, my immediate impulse was to stroke my hair, really pretty loving by my standards.

Anyway as to your post, I can definitely relate to the 'even though I have done so much self care and am in such a better place, my mind ruminates on self and harm and thinking "I'm nothing" '. Yes, tons of work on self and self care for years and still not able to get away from this self-destructive behaviour. Just wanted to say, you're not alone, and welcome to the forum! You sound really optimistic and encouraging of others. That's so nice to read from somebody who's new.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi shos Hannah.. yes I relate thank you for posting ..
When I feel lonely thoughts of my self harm come in my brain .. I'm not someone who has self harmed in the way my brain says it and it disturbes me ...
for me too it follows the quote ' no one likes me'
I'm learning to have some self compassion and I say 'I like you , I love you and am here for you.. some self soothing things like wrapping myself in a blanket, cuddling my bear , making a call , distracting myself with a film or a book, taking a walk ( even a short walk )
Pete walker talks about the abandonment depression and I think when I'm on my own and don't want to be it taps into the original abondonment .. also he says suicidal/ self harm thoughts are a common feature of cptsd

I feel as I work more on my self worth the thoughts will go ..

Sending you best wishes and to know you are not alone

[texannurse]

You are definitely not alone. I have a long history of self harm. It's usually triggered by feelings of abandonment or rejection. Even all these years later - since the first trauma event - i still struggle with the temptation.

[silentrhino]

I started pulling out my hair as a child, have intense self harm times still.  When I'm alone, I don't feel alone at times I feel ALL alone as in abandoned.   This triggers a cascade of feelings ending in sadness and dissociation which in turn leads to many awful things, all self inflicted.  The pain of those moments then snaps me back to feeling normal(ish) as I usually have to then do something to reverse my self mutilation so I don't actually die. I don't think this is a "bad" thing, I think it's a coping strategy.  You're not alone believe me, I wish I wasn't alone with this too.

[Candid]

I believe relationship is the most debilitating bugbear of CPTSD. When we have trouble knowing who we are, and have had so much negative input, how can we expect ourselves to meet new people and get on with them?

I know that I am a great person!

Shoshanna, I pulled this out of your post because it's the thing we need to keep in mind at all times. When we're alone and under-stimulated, our tendency is to slide down into dark places. It has to be fought with the knowledge that we're good people doing our best. Perhaps make yourself a brag book of all your achievements, or a happy book with pictures of when life has felt good, to look through in rough times?

[Blueberry]

Perhaps make yourself a brag book of all your achievements

Brilliant, Candid! A brag book. Maybe we need a Brag Thread on here, but under Recovery/Progress. I would feel like self-harming before and during writing in such a book and even on the thread, but could be good for other people and me eventually. You could brag that it was your idea, even. 

... or a happy book with pictures of when life has felt good, to look through in rough times?

Looking through my Little Books of Daily Joys, where I was obviously concentrating only on and writing only about the joyful or satisfying aspects of my life, can accomplish this for me in rough times. Pictures of good times sounds a good idea too.

[texannurse]

"a happy book with pictures of when life has felt good, to look through in rough times?"


This is a great idea, Candid!!! I'm always so down on myself and most days can't see any light at all. I will definitely try this!