Hope and sadness

[radical]

I haven't been around much lately because I had a meeting earlier this week with some members of one of the groups involved in the abuse which led me to this board.  It has taken me a while to digest.  The next day I felt I was floating on air with such a weight taken off me, but then I was left with a deep sadness

It went well, and I said what I needed to say.  It has opened the door for me to return to that group (albeit, under the circumstances, in a limited way).  A kind of partial rehabilitation.  I've missed the connections, and this past year particularly, I've withdrawn from everything I used to be involved with and every person I had a relationship with.  I've spent weeks in which the only real-world conversations I've had have been with people in shops.

Recently I have been started creeping back into the world of people, very gradually, though without much sense of connection because it takes so long for me to feel any sense of familiarity and safety, and it is so hard for me to get to know people.  I'm glad I won't have to start again entirely from scratch, and that I was able to say what I felt, but was unable to at the time. 

I wish I'd been able to show the emotion I feel.  I realise that part of the problem is I don't know how to accept people responding to me.  When the people I spoke to responded to my words, I had to fight so hard to stop myself from deflecting and felt myself shutting down.  It felt like a kind of torture to have to experience it.  I tried not to dissociate and yet despite my best efforts, when it comes to trying to remember what was said when I was responded to, I can't really remember.  It was a bit like being at the dentist when the drill touches a nerve and my whole body and mind wills it to be over.  (until very recently I don't know my actual nerves are in a slightly different place and novacaine had little or no effect).

So, I feel a bit disappointed in myself that I couldn't really let in the compassion and reassurance in response to my pain, by not being able to truly show my feelings, and also not being able to really feel, see or hear others when they responded.  l I felt I didn't know how, I felt lost.

I know I've missed so much in my life from this.  I've felt more comfortable in the familiar company of people who didn't care about me.  It's a pattern I need to change, to unlearn.  I know where it comes from.  It feels like a mountain to climb.

[mourningdove]

 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Radical, thank you for posting
I can very much relate as my experience is so similar
An old therapist said relational healing is often the hardest for us,after all complex ptsd has an attachment element to
It
I don't have the answers at this time, I just know I try my best with what I have and my desire to connect and form friendships is very strong ...
I am going to take this issue to my next therapist
How i see it is that as I can build  my self esteem, self worth and relating to myself I'll then be able to relate to others more effectively showing more of myself

[Candid]

For me, relationship is the toughest aspect of CPTSD. I can pretty much handle everything else, but genuine connection is still a major issue. I can't talk to my closest friends about it, just appreciate them for their positivity and generous input. That shows me a better world. I do talk to H about it, and when I do he gets it at the time, then he'll say something that makes it clear he has no idea what it's like not to have family; never to have had family. That's always very triggering, because it reminds me of mainstream from which I am forever excluded. For me, life in the real world is always an acting job.

The forum gives me the virtual experience of being loved, accepted and understood. What a wonderful thing if that could be rolled over to RL experience! Yet there's a feeling that I'll always feel partially shut off from other people, because they don't want to know what happened to me and I don't want to tell them.

[Boatsetsailrose]

I am posting a link to this support community
http://www.adultchildren.org/
It is for adult children not only of alcoholics but also dysfunctional families..
I have been to a few meetings and found it really identifying and a way to work on cptsd .. it felt so good to share in a circle and hear others inner worlds and how the fellowship is helping the to heal..
Meetings can be found in many areas
12 step meetings have been a real
Life line for me

[radical]

Thank you for your responses.

I'm going today.  I haven't heard anything from the people I met since.  It will be difficult to face people who have shunned me, but I feel I need to go for myself, and I need to be open to the positive, rather than just steeling myself for the negative.

This isn't a group that wants me back, I feel even supportive people are ambivalent about my presence because of the effect that my speaking out about abuse had and may have in the future.  I didn't do anything wrong, it's just easier to (ever so politely, and all the more chillingly for that) shun the harmed party when the harmers have so much more power.

Thanks for the link BSSR.  I've been thinking of AOA.  I haven't been able to find a CoDA group.

[Blueberry]

  to you radical.

[Candid]

It will be difficult to face people who have shunned me, but I feel I need to go for myself

This isn't a group that wants me back,

... the effect that my speaking out about abuse had and may have in the future.  I didn't do anything wrong, it's just easier to (ever so politely, and all the more chillingly for that) shun the harmed party when the harmers have so much more power.

This all sounds exactly like my doomed efforts to be understood and accepted by my FOO. Just saying. 

[Blueberry]

It will be difficult to face people who have shunned me, but I feel I need to go for myself

This isn't a group that wants me back,

... the effect that my speaking out about abuse had and may have in the future.  I didn't do anything wrong, it's just easier to (ever so politely, and all the more chillingly for that) shun the harmed party when the harmers have so much more power.

This all sounds exactly like my doomed efforts to be understood and accepted by my FOO. Just saying. 

    Except thanks to Candid, I never went quite that far with my FOO. But I did experience that kind of stuff with a different sort of group of people in my town. It wasn't pleasant, putting it mildly.

radical, please let us know how you get on.

[movementforthebetter]

Big hugs to you,  Radical.  I hope some time has made this a little easier for you.

BSSR,  thank you for that link. I'm going to look into it,  myself.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Your very welcome x

[radical]

Thanks for thinking of me.

It went really well, but something unexpected happened as a result, which caused a big set-back.

I feel like I'm through the worst of it now, but it has been rough.  I don't mean to be cryptic, but the sequence of events was bizarre, and I couldn't write about what was happening.  Also, I needed to keep calm as I could, and not keep retriggering myself, and focus on ways to manage what had become a very difficult situation.  It rekindled so much previous trauma on top of the situation at hand, and put me in a position in which I felt trapped.

It helped me to drop in here and see you all, like visiting friends can be comforting, knowing they are there.

Hugs and warm thoughts to you MFTB.

[Dee]

I missed this because I was in the hospital.  BUT, want you to know that I will always be here for you.  Drop in when you can.