1 year no-contact anniversary [lite trigger warning, nothing graphic]

[ALLHAILTHEGLOWCLOUD]

I thought I'd feel more intense emotional stuff but mostly I just feel pretty drained and my thoughts are sort of halfheartedly darting around.  I'm home for the day.  I adopted 2 kittens 2.5 weeks ago and they're raising he** today, lol.  I find myself getting a little annoyed with them and then beating myself up for getting annoyed with them, even though my behavior toward them hasn't changed based on how I feel.  If anything I've been a little more attentive today than usual- probably spent at least 3 hours already playing with them since they seemed so riled up, not to mention a lot of time cuddling them and seeing to their basic needs.  I've spent most of the day trying to distract them from wrecking up my house!  That's honestly probably why I'm so irritated with them at this point.  I feel like every time I try to take a second for myself, I hear a yowl or a crash.  And if I'm like "eh, don't worry about it," I usually hear another one shortly afterward.

They're growing up really well, honestly.  I didn't realize how important that would be for me, but as a survivor of a bunch of bad crap in my childhood I'm super conscious of how I treat any kind of child or baby, whether human or no.  I think I sometimes err too much on the side of being overengaged at the cost of my own wellbeing, and if they are naughty I always blame myself and get mad at myself for not making the rules clear enough to them or not providing them enough outlets for play.

But the reality is they're kittens, so it's their job to be fluffy chaos for awhile.  In general they do try to mind as best they can, but there are a few hour-long stretches during the day when they just go into a berserk trance and want to ruin as many things as possible. 

I'm avoiding thinking about my FOO.  My therapist told me to try and identify my standards for any given situation this week, and then to cut them in half.  When I nodded earnestly, he set down his clipboard and said, "Another way to put this would be, just for this week, live half-a**."

Oh yeah, and I also just got married last Monday.  And yesterday I turned 23.  There's a lot of stuff going on in my life right now and I kind of wanted there to be to remind myself that my life isn't defined by not having a biological family in my life or by having CPTSD.

The kittens are both orange.  One was really sick when we got her but now she's better and she's even gained some baby fat.  I've been spending most of my free time with them and it really is paying off, because I think my partner and I are creating a really good bond with them.  And since I don't have a family or friends right now, relationships with pets are extra important.  I get a lot out of my friendship with our older cat, who I've known about 4 years now.

Yesterday I did some work around my dad in therapy, and how nothing I did was ever good enough for him, and there was never a way out of harsh discipline and abuse with either of my parents.  How scary and frustrating that was.  How many of my standards came from my best efforts to avoid being mistreated.  I felt really bitter that my dad shaped me in so many ways that stick with me to this day, and sad about the potential for a loving relationship that he, and both my parents, threw away with me.  I was so willing to love and be loved. 

But I was walking to go buy my cats a laser pointer this morning [I always felt like those were a little bit of a mean trick, but at this point I'm just desperate for anything that'll help them run the crazy out sooner] and I was thinking about all the ways I've chosen to live life for myself EVEN THOUGH I live with a lot of parts of me telling me constantly "You CANNOT DO THIS, or someone big and scary will know about it and hurt you."  I feel so afraid so much of the time about things like going in the grocery store and having a few dirty dishes.  And there are soooo many more things on that list that I can't even really get into here.  I'm pretty sure many on this board unfortunately know the sort of panic I'm talking about, and the message "I'll get in trouble," that comes along with it. 

But for comparison: I was raised in a very conservative Christian home where women were constantly demeaned and all kinds of abuse were normalized to the degree that I didn't realize anything was off until I had been living away from my parents for 2 years.  But even within that environment I was still doing my thing.  Since I was 15 I've been openly queer and agnostic, even with my parents, and since I first learned about feminism at 13 I've identified as such.  That was 10 years ago now.

I'm so proud of the middle school girl that looked her verbally, physically and sexually abusive father in the face as he drank his wine with dinner, his mood dictating what anyone else in the house could do or say, and said out loud that no man gets to determine what it means to be a woman.  I would argue with him and call him out when he said things that devalued women, even if it meant attracting his anger.  That felt worth it to me.  And I started calling myself a woman that year too, even though I wasn't fully grown, because I figured that if I could be disrespected based on my gender even as a child and expected to shoulder many of the household responsibilities traditionally relegated to women because I was the scapegoat and my mom took lots of pills, I should be able to claim what pride and empowerment women have created for ourselves.

Obviously this was not the way I would have articulated most of this then and I was still just a kid, but I'm proud of myself.  This day, the one year anniversary of the day I told my parents to * off for good, has been a long time coming.  There are lots of ways I've worked really hard and there are lots of ways I've gotten luckier than I ever thought I would. 

And who needs abusive, crappy parents and a narcissistic sister and a manipulative, demeaning extended family when I have a new husband, two baby kittens and an older cat who's the chillest person in the house?

[sanmagic7]

it sounds like you have a beautiful new family to be focused on, besides yourself.  who needs the others, indeed!  congrats on making it a year, congrats on your marriage, and congrats on your new babies.  may you all love and enjoy each other unconditionally!  you brought a smile to my heart, glowcloud.  thank you.

[Rainydaze]

Aww kittens. Cats are pre-programmed to be a pain the bum so I'm not surprised they can be a little bit much sometimes in their baby state. I love that you're focusing on nurturing and loving them, I think pets can be so therapeutic. I have a 10 year old mog who doesn't do much nowadays other than sleep in her chair in the warmth of the conservatory. She kind of reminds me that life should be chill. Perhaps not to the point of sleeping 23 hours a day, but there is something in it.  My dog can be pretty nuts until walked which can be annoying if I'm stuck into something else, but then I remember that it's a basic need of hers and shouldn't be ignored. I feel good for looking after her and knowing that she's happy. My NF only walked his dog about two or three times in her lifetime and she ended up overweight and arthritic at a young age because she wasn't cared for. She's so symbolic really of how he treated his children. It's made it easier to be no contact with him as his obvious animal abuse just repulses me.

Oh yeah, and I also just got married last Monday.  And yesterday I turned 23.  There's a lot of stuff going on in my life right now and I kind of wanted there to be to remind myself that my life isn't defined by not having a biological family in my life or by having CPTSD.

Congratulations!  You're right, your life isn't defined by family or by having CPTSD. They are factors of your life and always will be but there is also so much more to you than that. It can be scary coming out of the fog and realising that there is a long road ahead in learning who you really are, but I do think from there onwards the only way is up.

I'm so proud of the middle school girl that looked her verbally, physically and sexually abusive father in the face as he drank his wine with dinner, his mood dictating what anyone else in the house could do or say, and said out loud that no man gets to determine what it means to be a woman.  I would argue with him and call him out when he said things that devalued women, even if it meant attracting his anger.  That felt worth it to me.  And I started calling myself a woman that year too, even though I wasn't fully grown, because I figured that if I could be disrespected based on my gender even as a child and expected to shoulder many of the household responsibilities traditionally relegated to women because I was the scapegoat and my mom took lots of pills, I should be able to claim what pride and empowerment women have created for ourselves.

That's so awesome, love it. Any decent parent would be so proud of having a daughter with those values. You certainly do not need your toxic family.