Disassociation?

[Escape2nature]

Hi , I'm new to a lot of all of this and am feeling like I'm going crazy. When I start to get stressed I can feel my eyes start twitching and I think I forget what I'm doing or thinking about. I feel like I'm here but not here?? Many times I snap out of it  I can't catch my breath and I begin to sob. Sometimes I lose time during these moments. Can anyone relate? Are these normal symptoms to expierience?  Thanks for listening

[Three Roses]

Unfortunately it does sound normal. It sounds like you are experiencing some type of dissociation as a result of emotional flashbacks. Take a look at this article and see if it fits for you:

https://www.psychotherapy.net/article/complex-ptsd

Let me know if that's helpful or if you need more info.

[alchemist]

When you feel like you aren't here that is a form of dissociation known as depersonalization. Keep coming back to the forum:) I experienced that once when I was 7 and again at 16 when my FOO was really screwed up.

[EricS]

I also feel that like in instances or moments, I step outside myself - or get a sharp or weird thought that makes me feel very strange and very unnerved. Like I'm outside of myself or fractured right to my being. It's like lightning but then fades. I can think about it like an obsessive thought... what is this? I used to think it was just obsessive thoughts but it's weird and different. is it dissociation?
This symptom hems my life in more than others, and makes it hard for me to get out there and be active - it makes me think twice about everything. It's just like constant 'blips' on my mind radar interfering with the normal flow. I wish this didn't happen. What's the best way to deal with this?
This * makes me not want to do anything. I can sit all day up in my head thinking about this. I guess you're just supposed to deal with it and go back in your body/ associate.

This is so hard to deal with.

[Three Roses]

Not quite sure what you mean, EricS. Are you describing either of these?

Depersonalization – This is one of a number of symptoms of CPTSD and is a form of dissociation in which a person feels as though they are not real, that they are disconnected from themselves, and are somewhat distant or detached from what is happening to them. This maladaptive strategy is used to when CPTSD sufferers face overwhelming trauma they cannot escape from (as in childhood abuse).

Derealization - This is one of a number of symptoms of CPTSD and is a form of dissociation in which a person feels as though the world around them is not real, that they are in a dreamlike state and detached from their feelings. This maladaptive strategy is used when CPTSD sufferers face overwhelming trauma they cannot escape from (as in childhood abuse).

[EricS]

I don't know it just feels like dissociation. It's some weird strange form of it - I understand we are all different, our brains slightly different and manifests subtly different. ..transient, comes/goes...mostly when stressed. It seems as if I have developed this ability to step outside of myself and see things from 2 angles or more, just to check for threats. It started when I was younger, like Ocd, but never went away. It's like a thing my mind learned in order to cope with danger, that now just, gets in the way.

[Blueberry]

Eric, in the past I've sometimes felt as if part of my body was shifting right and the other part left, like sliding doors parting. This was I'm sure some sort of trauma-related thing, since it came after massive re-traumatisation. This isn't what you're describing, but thought I'd mention it. I also had the strange idea that I could leave my chair and remain there at the same time, which sounds closer to what you're describing. I remember it was very unnerving until I figured out a way to deal with it.

Dealing with it: push off walls, stamp feet, thump chest etc. Especially if I can catch it before my 'parts' actually drift apart.
A therapist told me I should also make sure all my inner selves can agree on tasks to be done so that I don't drift apart, with part of me off to do one job, another part some other chore and the rest of me going crazy in doubt. It hasn't happened for quite a while now.

[Three Roses]

This happens to me too! Like a group trying to take a walk when one individual wants to linger by the flowers, or wander off alone. It does make me look clumsy sometimes!

[I like vanilla]

Escape2Nature, it does sound like what you are experiencing is dissociation. Unfortunately it is a normal part of having CPTSD.

[I like vanilla]

This happens to me too! Like a group trying to take a walk when one individual wants to linger by the flowers, or wander off alone. It does make me look clumsy sometimes!

That is the perfect analogy! Thank for that and for the good chuckle. 

[Pasiphaessa]

Hi, I'm a new member. I just wanted to say I've experienced this too and it's very disturbing. I've only had derealization, not depersonalization. I'd be in the middle of some random moment just having a mundane experience sitting with people talking or whatever and then out of the blue I think "This isn't real. If I picked up this drink and poured it on this person next to me would it mean anything? Is this all just in my head?" And I feel like I'm watching some elaborate virtual reality and the world doesn't really exist. Like I said, it's extremely upsetting when this happens. I think it might be related to anxiety, because the few times this has happened to me they've all occurred at times when I'm socializing and feel that I've become overtaxed by the social interaction. Has anyone else experienced dissociation this way? One trick I've heard is whenever you feel like things aren't real or like you're dreaming is to pinch yourself.

[Gyllien]

I think I might experience this a lot. The best way I describe it is by relating it to a movie, Men in Black. Theres a scene where the big 'lurch' looking alien is on the table at the morgue and will smith opens up his face and theres a tiny sweet little alien in there operating all the controls. Thats the best way I can describe how I feel, like the real me in removed from the shell of my body and is cocooned inside. When I have been in very difficult times in the past, under enormous stress or living in unsafe situations, there has been a couple of times that I have gone to walk across a road and not seen a car coming because I've been sort of dazed and out of it. I don't know if that is dissociation or depersonalisation or derealisation and I don't really get how they are different. I think I spend most of my time disconnected from my emotions as a protection mechanism because I have felt so traumatised and have never had the love, safety and support to feel those feelings of terror.

[Three Roses]

(Welcome, Pasiphaessa!)

Depersonalization and derealization are different types of dissociation, the former being when you yourself do not feel real, and the latter being when your surroundings don't feel real. In either case, one feels removed from their surroundings.

Dissociation is a common topic here; almost all of us experience it in some form or other from time to time. Pinching yourself, taking a few deep breaths, focusing on an object for a moment...each of us has different tools for dealing with this. whatever works! 

[EricS]

For me this definitely happened after massive traumatization. I want to say that my ptsd or c-ptsd or whatever; happened in my head. No one did anything to me, it was just something that happened inside my head, for years and years and years etc. I mean something happened to me; I just feel that I didn't talk about it, and became depressed and didn't talk, and that made me a lot worse. I guess you really needed support, then. I didn't even open to it then - it was so personal the trauma for me. I couldn't talk about it. I was in a bind. I could've talked about it...but it would've just been so...awkward, it by it's very nature was traumatizing and to talk about it would change me and expose me. It was a terrible situation. I should've sat with it in retrospect - and just been kind to myself. I just didn't have that skill it seems back then. I panicked, I freaked out. I didn't what to do.  I didn't talk about any of it, which really screwed me. I don't know why I did that. I just didn't talk to anyone; why was I like that, why did I do that to myself.
I don't know why. I don't have any answers. Why didn't I help myself or take care of my self, and be kind to myself? I blame myself now for that. I don't understand. I should've, I tried to just be strong, though knew I was hurting myself. Why did I do that? I ask myself these questions now. ..Can't help but ask them. I feel that I have made a terrible mistake. I mean I know after trauma people feel this way, but why? It's like I had some kind of martyr complex, I just had to hold it all in maybe that's depression. It was, oh my God it was a lot of things.
We need to be kind-er to ourselves.  You know we are taught not to have any needs, and that causes depression; but we are also taught to take care of our needs and be kind. I guess it's a choice between me and myself and others. At the end of the day, I should choose myself of course - because I love myself, and if I don't take care of myself who will? No one, I guess I made the wrong choice or something, back then.   I'm overthinking this but it's the truth. Now I understand what my Mother was always telling me about being kind to myself. Anyways..you know temporal time doesn't matter in this, you do it now, you do it then. It's fixed. I can be kind to myself now..


this dissociation, I hate it and want it gone. I'll do anything to fix this, I agree integration is the key, you have to come back to yourself, in your body and in your mind, you have to own everything. It's like an ownership...

[Three Roses]

There is something else that causes depression and that's unreleased anger, anger denied. For me this is very true, I know part of my answer lies in reaching that molten vein within me but I can't seem to dig deep enough.