It all falls into place

[slipping]

I recently learned about C-PTSD and it fits so well with my situation.

I grew up with a controlling, narcissist mother and a spineless, placating father.  I always knew my mother messed me up but couldn't really put my finger on it.  Nor could therapists.  The several I have seen have all been useless.

Two years ago I was doing the best I had ever been.  I was 30 years old and I was coming into my own.  I was experiencing optimism and joy and confidence that took me 30 years to achieve.  Up until that point I had been single for almost my whole life, but I was finally in a place where finding a relationship was inevitable.

But I met the wrong person.  It was so passionate at first and it felt like I had met the love of my life.  She turned out to be personality disordered (Dx Borderline, but I think the real issue is NPD).  I was also concerned about her drug use.  I wanted to be loving and supportive but it didn't take long for the abusive behavior to start.  Within a month, she was gaslighting me and when I tried to have honest conversations asking what the * was going on she would just deny deny deny and turn the whole thing around on me.  Eventually when I started reacting emotionally to her abuse, she started suggesting that I was Borderline.  Eventually I came to believe her.  Maybe I imagined all the abusive behavior?  After all, she would know best since she is Dx'd Borderline, right?  (wrong)  She discarded me and started a smear campaign against me.  I almost killed myself at this point.

I checked myself into the hospital and basically tried to talk my way into a BPD diagnosis.  But the doctor's disagreed and said that I didn't "act like a borderline."  I just couldn't make sense of what had happened.  If I wasn't crazy then why did all of this happen and why did my entire life crumble?  I didn't really get any answers except that I was "depressed."

It's now been two years since all of this happened.  I have done a lot of soul searching.  I learned everything there possibly is to know about personality disorders and I eventually came to really understand that I am not personality disordered.  My mother was personality disordered.  This girl was personality disordered.  They're selfish, manipulative, deceitful, abusive, delusional, and they don't have the capacity for remorse.  None of these things describe me.

I'm kind and generous and honest and loving.  But for as long as I can remember, I have felt a deep pain at the center of my being.  I have felt unworthy and shameful.  I am self critical and quick to feel guilty and accept responsibility for things that don't go well.  I often feel like a failure.  My recent discovery of C-PTSD seems to explain my situation perfectly.

I feel like I missed my opportunity two year ago.  I feel so broken now that I don't know if I will ever be able to get back to that point.  I needed to experience a kind and honest partner and instead I got a personality disordered girl from *.  It feels like the final straw that broke the camel's back.

I've been grinding for 2 years to try to pull myself out of this mess.  I've made progress but some days it all feels pointless.  Today is one of those days.

[shoshannah]

Dear Slipping,

It sounds like you are feeling regretful when you said, "I lost my chance 2 years ago", which I realize is probably a horrible feeling, but you have to be there for yourself. Look inward at that horrible feeling and care for yourself, do nice things for yourself, and heal yourself. You have the ability to do it!! Just start small. Get to know yourself again. Make slow and gradual efforts to heal your pain and get back up. The fact that you can sit down with yourself and type all of that out shows how strong of a person you are for admitting to how you are feeling deep down. You are further into recovery that you probably realize.

And, if it helps, while reading what you wrote I can relate almost to a T. My dad is really narcissistic/crazy/out of damn mind, if you will, and my older sister has BPD. I grew up being emotionally abused by both of them. Around 19 was when I started realizing how much they affected me and I started dating abusive people. Then I got really bad (I was self harming thinking of suicide) and went to a counselor. I was so sure that I had BPD and told her about how sure I am that I have it. She almost laughed and told me "You do not have BPD." She also told me that I am a very warm and empathic person, and that I would even make a great counselor. I was told I only have 'severe depression" but I know that its more complex than that...after being on this site I see how I have a lot of the symptoms of C-PTSD.

Anyways, year went by and I started doing all this self care and I was doing so much better for that whole year. Then I met this guy who seemed charming at fist, but before long he was gaslighting me and emotionally abusing me. When i finally had it in my to break up with him he threatened suicide and doing scary stuff and I had to move out of my apartment because I didn't want him to know where I lived anymore. He even lied about having genital herpes and gave it to me, which makes me regret him even more. Im like 110% sure that he ACTUALLY had BPD, not me. Just as everything was going right, I got the rug pulled out from under me and my world collapsed again.

But here I am. Having yet another catastrophe (abusive boyfriend, herpes and all) just made me work harder at taking care of myself. I do yoga and meditation now. I eat healthier. I exercise. Im taking baby steps, I have been looking for opportunities to engage in the world around me through school and hobbies, and I am even beginning to actively seek out people I am interested in rather than let people come to me all the time.

Please, take care of yourself, and use this set back as a wakeup call. This doesn't mean your life is over, it just means that It's time to work a little harder.

xo Shoshie