The future starts here

[Whelmed]

I found this site and forum at the end of a circuitous journey of 60 years.

Posting on a forum is a first for me, so please bear with me.
I only headed in this direction when a helpline, which I phoned recently in a crisis, mentioned the term C-PTSD.  They assumed from my history and difficulties that I had a diagnosis of such, or at least an understanding that this term collectively explained "me".
Having scoured the web ferociously for all the info I could find - here I am.  Already feeling vulnerable and exposed.

If I ask myself why, after all these years, I am reaching out to others, I would say its because, finally I think I have found people I can identify with, and who may understand me.  I know it`s risky, because I feel as though life sabotages me at every turn, and when it doesn`t, my mind and thoughts step up and do a much better job of it!
Although I have managed to live a busy, productive life, at the time, and with hindsight, the acting and pretense, were exhausting.  I have "crashed and burned" more times and in more ways than I thought was possible.  I have spent my whole adult life on "headmeds" of one sort or another, and have had more homes and jobs than i care to count.  Now I live in a pretty isolated way, with my dog and cat, for fear of what life may throw at me, because no matter how trivial it may seem to someone else, it will undoubtedly be more than my fragile, sensitive mind can cope with.

I have alway known, intellectually (and had it drummed into me by countless therapists), that the woman who gave birth to me and raised me, was wrong to treat me in the way she did, but a huge part of me believed, and still believes, that i must have deserved it.  I genuinely must have been born "weird, odd, peculiar, rotten through and through, and would never fit in anywhere because no-one would want anything to do with me". - As she raised me to accept and believe.  The irony is she would often say "sticks and stones may break your bones, but names will never hurt you"  The physical scars healed years ago.

The strange situation I have found myself in for the last 3 years is making weekly visits to the woman, in the care home where she resides with her dementia.  An estrangement of 22 years was ended when my sons became concerned about her declining mental state.  She has no idea who I am, but still refers to the dreadful daughter she wishes she had never given birth to. 

My exhaustive search for love and acceptance goes on, but nowadays its about learning to love and accept myself.  It feels like an enormous mountain to climb, but, if I don`t do it now, my life will be over without ever having cared for myself.

I`m tired of anti-depressants, anxiolytics, mood-stabilisers, and sedatives.
I`m tired of therapists dissecting my past.
I`m tired of self-loathing and fear.
And I`m so very tired of trying to make other people happy when I`ve no idea what would make me happy.

I would love to feel "whelmed", not over, nor under, just whelmed.

[Three Roses]

Welcome! Lots of us are "older", myself included. You're not alone!

[woodsgnome]

Sometimes it's virtually impossible to find anyone to relate any of this to without shame or fear of judgement. Even worse is false sympathy, which reinforces the feeling of not fitting in.

You won't find much if any of that here, so kudos for having the strength and resolve to find your way. As you also express well, though, this journey is one of  frustration and loneliness, and there seem so many dead ends, and questions without firm answers.

Still we search--not even so much for answers, but self-soothing wherever we can come upon it, and learning from others on this path can be a new, even surprising way to find some hope.

I relate with much of your story. I've been around this forum for a while, and have found it to be full of insights, camaraderie, and a source for new and helpful ideas to help one learn, or 'un-learn', as the case may be.

So though you come in discouragement, there's also a good vibe that could flip that sense to encouragement. Patience and perseverance are so needed, though; and most of us learned how not to be so early. Still we're here, trying.

Welcome, Whelmed 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello whelmed, thank you for posting ..
I really relate to your post especially that now it really is a time to develop self compassion and self love ...
The negative stuff gets so boring ...
Whelmed - emotional stability and peace
Yes please more of that

[Whelmed]

Thank you for your kind replies.  I'm glad I'm not the only older person on here. Emotionally I feel very old and tired of struggling to feel that I belong anywhere.

Finding someone who understanding is difficult, so my boundless self-control, and self-discipline kick in and I pretend repeatedly that "I'm fine, terrific, busy, doing all sorts" or "I enjoy my own space, I'm happy in my own company, I don't need people around me, I love peace and quiet".  I can get away with this as the only real contact I have with anyone is with my sons on the phone. Perhaps, having said that, it's not real at all.  Other than that I speak to lots of dogs, and comment on the weather to their owners.

Yes, this leaves me feeling isolated and lonely, but I wouldn't know how to go about letting anyone into my bubble.  Relating to or trusting people is hugely risky.  And I can't really afford to feel worse about myself.
And yet, posting on here may be a a start.

I have become very conscious in last few months that If any healing is going to happen it must be done by me.  There's no magic pill or treatment or therapy out there.  I think I've tried them all.  I don't ask for support because I believe I don't deserve it, and as you say woodsgnome " shame or fear of judgement" is hugely discouraging and limiting.

Woodsgnome, when you mentioned self-soothing it reminded me that the last time I felt soothed by someone else was eight years ago when my partner had just died.  A neighbour came to the house to offer her sympathies.  She immediately clutched me to her ample bosom and let me cry.  I initially feared I would suffocate as she was several inches taller than I, but I remember it was the most wonderful comforting experience.

I plan to be kinder to myself; less critical and more nurturing.  I just need to convince myself that I'm deserving of that, and to work out how to do it.  It's taken me until this age to understand that I need to heal myself.  My life, my health and well-being, are my responsibility.  So it could be said I'm not a fast learner.

Hopefully, as you say woodsgnome, the encouragement I yearn may be found on this forum.  Then, in better days, I may find I have something to offer in return.

[Blueberry]

Welcome, Whelmed! 

The encouragement and understanding and validation you seek is on this forum! 

Speaking for myself, I find that you have already offered us in the forum something in return, just by being honest about yourself and your position. By describing your situation, your difficulties in life, your way of dealing with them, you are giving us something to think about and to relate (or not) to our own situations. That's certainly one part of what this forum is about in my experience.

Wishing you well on your journey, hope you stay here and continue to post   

[Candid]

I'm glad you're here, Whelmed. Most of us can identify or have struggled with the feelings you have, including the belief that we must have deserved it. But if you think of the way your caregivers treated you, would you dish that out to a defenceless child?

to loving and accepting yourself, and may you soon be whelmed as much as feels good by the understanding you'll find here.