How I dissociate, and questions

[Slow River]

I think I dissociate at least 50% of my waking life.  Probably more.  I have different kinds.  Sometimes in my head, I replay scenes that happened in real life.  Sometimes I show myself movies in my head starring myself in all kinds of situations, from mundane to thrilling, and featuring real people, people I make up, people in books, movie stars, etc.  Sometimes, I stay in the moment, but I picture other people there with me.  Sometimes I become a different person in my head, and I have serial stories that last for years.  I play those movies for a bit, and then come back to them hours or days later and continue the action.  That's kind of hard to explain, but I guess it is sort of like what DID must be like, except that other real people  have no idea that I do this.  (As far as I know.)  If I'm sure there is nobody around, I talk out loud to people who aren't there, sometimes, playing the part of my real self, and sometimes playing the part of one of my other selves. 

Is this how other people experience it, or am I doing something unusual?  This is all new to me, so I don't know.

As I type this, I am becoming aware of how very far from "normal" this is.  I put normal in quotes, because I understand that dissociation is a normal response to a traumatic experience.  I don't how else to say it, though.  My point is:  I don't think that the general public does any of this much.

The thing is, I enjoy my dissociated life much more than my real life, and I don't want to give it up.  I use it to self-soothe when I'm anxious or troubled, I do it when I'm bored, I find that I unconsciously use it to work out problems in real life, and I just plain enjoy it.  It's a creative outlet.  Is it bad to dissociate?  Does dissociating keep people from moving ahead with therapy?

And one other thing:  People I have never met frequently say "I know I've met you before, but I can't think where."  I have read that this is one of the things that might possibly indicate that you actually have dissociative identity disorder, where you slip entirely into an "alter", and are not aware of it.  I do not want this to be the case for me.  However, I've asked my family, and they say that I don't do that, and that there are no chunks of time in which I go missing.  Any ideas?

[Blackbird]

I actually did that too for a number of years. I stopped doing it, now I sing. It became more liberating to sing even if my voice is terrible to the tune. My therapy with my therapist revolves around this, my internal selves. Now they talk to each other in a productive way, not dissociating, but to protect the inner child, understand the anger and the multiple protectors I have of the inner child.

I think it's a form of dissociation, like excessive daydreaming, but not DID.

And about your other question, you might have 'one of those faces' that mingles with everyone around. Happens to me too, and I'm positive I don't have DID.

But don't take my word for it.
It's definitely something to talk to a professional about, just to keep you more at ease. DID is not exactly something we can self diagnose.

[Fightsong]

The thing about normal is  'what is normal'?  We  have experienced trauma.  We have jobs, we have families, we eat , sleep, put out the trash,  take the  dog for it's jabs,   forget the milk in the store,  eat cereal for dinner,  skip breakfast in favour of coffee,  we eat gluten free, we binge on pizza, we  smoke, or we  do yoga 10 times  per week.  We have a whole load of different coping styles that have helped us survive to a place where we can now take a look at those styles and ask - what are we doing exactly? ( Hm, maybe I dissociated then, Hm maybe that was an EF?) But the doing of them isnt wrong, it operate on a subconscious / pre conscious level.  When you first become aware of it ( and I don't know how newly aware you are, but Im speaking really from my own  experience and what others have shared)  it can feel really quite alarming - why do I do it? is it bad? am i mad? am i damaged?Am I falling apart? I dont want to do this, I think, or maybe I do? Then once you are more aware of it,  things  might sorta change, slowly.

But it's okay, its really okay. Maybe what you describe is a kind of dissociation, you will figure out if that fits for you. And as you lean into what that means , its likely to change.  So really all I'm saying here is I hear you have a load of questions and I hear you are seeking validation. You arent alone. It will be okay.

[sigiriuk]

I am uneasy with dissociation; it isn't at all gentle, when I switch, or zone out.
But funnily enough, knowing other people feel disconnected, like me, leads me to feel part of a group of people!!
I am not alone, when experiencing a symptom that makes me feel alone.
So thank you for sharing your experiences with me, it gives me hope.
S

[Magnet]

Hey slow river. I hope you are doing well these days.
I just wanted to say, I often play out scenes in my head over and over, inserting variations to see how I might play those out. It's just part of who I am I guess, but I sometimes go overboard with it (according to my own self blame.)
I had not realized it was dissociative until I ran across your post today. Thank you for posting.

[shadow]

Thank you Slow river for posting, I do that too and have never associated it to dissociation before. Its so obviously is and I can't believe I didn't realise. 

[Hazy111]

Slow River,

My T of 72 "had" what is now called "DID ". He made it through years of therapy. He sort of speciailises in it .Now hes writing a book on it all .

You are not alone, many many people dissociate in all differing ways. I do it , but didnt reailse it. I talk to myself all the time!! Fantazing. I know my father does it "lost in his trance, just staring" . My sister to, but she wont admit it.

Addictions are a form of it too i believe. As in those moments when the high kicks in you can be taken away to another place. 

You should thank your little inner child for dissociating, it got you to where you are now. She protected you from the terrible pain.

Hazy

[Wishing Well]

Hello,
I wanted to say that this week is my first time to directly look at my dissociation.  It also makes me feel better to hear that others do it too. Sorry guys. My form of it is when I am feeling very happy, that I might internally be critizing myself and kind of feeling spacey inside.  I think it is so hard to trust the joy and believe that I deserve it.  However, I can take it with me and look back and remember the joy.  I think that we should not be hard on ourselves about this.  It is there as a defense against pain.  The tendency is to judge ourselves for something that we may not be able to control.

[tea-the-artist]

I do the exact same things. just as you described Slow River. i had considered for a while, but was never sure to call it dissociation or not (another term comes to mind "daydreaming" or "maladaptive daydreaming") but i'm never sure which it is.

it's a difficult thing to "give up," i can understand that. especially when it's something you've got control over and something to aid in self-soothing. hopefully you can get more insight to this, though thank you for sharing!