troublesome clients - a bit of a rant

[Blueberry]

I checked my bank balance this week instead of last, because I was ill last week. Troublesome Client hasn't paid. Again. 

One possible reaction would be me ending their contract. I have done that three times so far in my career but it's not as if I'm overrun with clients at the moment. Also this is a fairly small place where I live and word might get around. People whose contract I end are not likely to explain to people why I ended their contract.
So I need a different solution. I'll send a payment reminder after posting on here. The first month I made them pay 2.50 currency, and then a further reminder for that month, I upped it to 5, the next month 5 again. This month 10??? Except these payments don't seem to work, they don't seem to affect the client. Despite the fact that the client claims to be short of money. I guess short of organisational skills too. 

The reminder payments, basically little 'fines', are more trouble to me than they're worth. The client might think it's free money for me, but it's not at all. Especially if they don't work. It's a real hassle dealing with this stupid and inconsiderate client. 

After writing the payment reminder, I'll probably go and do a round of EFT before I go to bed.

[Blueberry]

Have been working on the payment reminder. don't quite dare to write what I'd really like to. Because I might lose client. Since client sends both children to me, it's a fair bit of money per month. OTOH it's a bad compromise for me if I don't say it how it is. But then maybe I'm particularly irked because of my past? No, I don't think so. I think it irks me that Client doesn't listen. And that is probably because I am not loud or forceful enough.

I have had the experience that when I am loud, somebody complains that I'm being rude or too outspoken, or both. When I'm not loud, I'm often not heard. It does depend a bit what group of people I'm in. Sometimes I am heard, if I just have a comment or a question. But if I want something, especially something that requires the group to come to a decision or something which is going to conceivably negatively impact on somebody else, yikes, that is difficult. We talked about that in T recently too. In FOO I grew up learning that somebody can be wrong in their requirements or requests. That was mostly me of course. The wrongness theoretically had to do with me not being able to talk 'rationally' about what I needed or just not being able to verbalise it somehow. Probably because FOO didn't want to understand it. It was easier to pretend I was stupid or something. So I'm still dealing with that issue constantly in  my subconscious. Anybody remember the saying "Excuse me for living, but the graveyard's full." from about the 80's? That's me.

It's good to recognise more deeply what's behind my difficulties with demanding that a client respects my contract and conditions. After a quick post on another thread, I'll be off to do my EFT for the night.

[Lingurine]

Blueberry, the behavior of your client is unacceptable. That's a tough one, it reminds me of a scene from the movie 'Single white female', where the client doesn't pay, so his PC shuts down automatically. Until he has paid, then the program will work again.
I think something similar, kindly tell her that you don't continue your work until she has paid, after that, you will continue. Then actually wait until she has paid. And continue the work then.

Bold, but it might work.

Lingurine

[Blueberry]

Thank you, dear Lingurine! Your words and your idea gave me the courage to demand that the client brings the payment today in cash and I further stipulated that she come by for a 'talk'. Otherwise no lesson for her daughter today or tomorrow.

No more trifling little late payment fees. The client has to really notice the limits I'm setting. Otherwise she'll just continue playing around with me wasting my time and my energy, which is much worse for me.

[Blueberry]

The result: the client sent the money today with her daughter but is not coming by for her 'talk' and is not sending her daughters to me next year, though they need it. Good luck finding somebody else who continually allows late payments 

My reaction is to feel slightly let down, sort of disappointed. Hey, I'm a good teacher! I was helping these two girls and because the parent has problems (narcisstic?) the parent is removing them. But on the other hand I also feel relieved that this troublesome client will be taking her rule-breaking somewhere else and that the saga has come to an end. No more wondering and pondering whether ... I just won't have to deal with her and her unreasonable, time-consuming behaviour anymore. Other clients will come, they always do.

The daughters will come a few times more. I'll continue to teach well, but I won't go out of my way for them.

[Lingurine]

  this is progress, look at the time you now have. Less worrying.
I'm sure the universe will send you new, much nicer, better paying clients.

Lingurine

[sanmagic7]

i do believe everything happens for a reason, blueberry.  that client was irresponsible, consistently stepped over your boundaries, and is someone who does not want to look at herself and what she's doing.  you are finally out of that, and don't need to deal with it anymore.  she never deserved you.

i agree, you will now have time and energy for either other projects or appreciative clients.  you did real good, my dear.  big hug.

[Blueberry]

Thank you , Lingurine and Sanmagic, for the validation. I do know that new clients or some new work opportunity always turns up when I close one door. But I sometimes forget that when making a decision to set a limit.

Also often a new little spurt of creativity will come. Right the next day I wrote some advertising for a summer discount that I'd been intending to write for a while. It's for August when things are really slow but I knew I needed to write it some time in July. And now it's done.

You're right, sanmagic, this client didn't deserve me. She just never appreciated what I did for her and her daughters. With her chaos she caused more work than the rest of the clients put together. 
I'm done with that!

[Blueberry]

  I'm sure the universe will send you new, much nicer, better paying clients.
Lingurine

I think the universe has, in the form of an adult who wants to come 2x a week starting this week and who says that money is not a problem.    He also seems very determined to make use of my services, no faffing about. These types of clients know what they're getting from me, realise what my work is worth and tend not to 'forget' to pay.

Business is always really slow at this time of year, so having somebody starting 2x per week is great!

[sanmagic7]

congrats, sweetie!  so very glad to hear this.  you go!  big hug.

[Blueberry]

Actually the  client ended up getting sick, sounded like burnout to me, and never came again. As I posted on another thread, I have next to no clients atm. But there is also probably a good reason for that: I need my time and energy for working on my emotional healing and in between bouts of that: drifting. e.g. by staying in bed or going back to bed. It's my safe place. Sometimes I lie there and read Harry Potter which I know off by heart practically  but it's good to come across some wise sayings from Dumbledore or even sometimes Hermione which pertain to my particular mood or problem.

I'm starting to be way more accepting of myself in my 'drifting' moments. My T has already said that in these phases I'm allowing memories and realisations to come up which are in turn allowing healing to take place. So 'drifting' is really important, essential even.

I re-read this whole thread this evening. It shows me how much progress I've made. Just over 6 months ago I felt I had to turn the computer off and leave the room after setting a boundary via email. Of course I was acting on an irrational fear because there's nothing Troublesome Client could have done via email, and she couldn't even have reached me by phone. Irrational fears take over as an amygdala hijack or EF so they're real for us in that moment obviously.

What this thread also shows me is that setting this Troublesome C. limits is a precursor to setting FOO limits. Lingurine told me in this thread that Troublesome Client's behaviour was unacceptable. For a few days now in my head I've been saying to B2: "your and your wife's behaviour was unacceptable and it is not negotiable. I am not putting up with this. An apology is not enough. You have to change your attitude to me. Otherwise it's No Contact." While knowing that neither an apology nor an attitude change are at all likely. More likely just more gaslighting. Anyway I don't actually have to send any of this to him. It's likely to end up under Unsent Letters. But we're also likely to either remain exceedingly LC or go NC, continued or initiated by me.

Then maybe the universe will send me new much nicer family (FOC).

[Blueberry]

Same old, same old.

Not the same troublesome clients, they're long gone. But me having the same problems quaking in my shoes and sending an email to a client, who cancelled at very short notice without explanation, that that's not OK according to the contract.

As I spell out that he has to pay for this appointment anyway, although he will get the time added onto other appointments if he wants. (He's just not allowed to pay less because he didn't come today). Anyway, as I spell that all out, I notice how difficult it is. And therefore how important it is that I continue bit by bit with FOO! Because I never managed to split from FOO emotionally - neither as a toddler nor as a teenager - I'm still very enmeshed. This fear I have of terrible repercussions, I'm projecting it into other situations. Although the fear isn't unwarranted in other situations - there are always some clients who don't want to stick to the contract, and if they are reminded of it, will not renew their contract - the way I feel it physically and the way I really search for the correct words and wording, almost obsessively, instead of just writing a 2 minute email and hitting SEnd and off with it, shows how much the whole thing is connected to FOO problems.

I didn't manage to split from FOO emotionally because they didn't want that to happen. It's a result of the trauma, which probably all or most of us on here have to deal with in some form or other and to some extent or other. It seems very, very difficult in my case. I've been feeling the past couple of days that my progress is so slow which I was equating with personal inadequacy and laziness in healing. But I remind myself now that I've been working at this bit by bit for years now. I've been doing the best I can.

[Hope67]

Because I never managed to split from FOO emotionally - neither as a toddler nor as a teenager - I'm still very enmeshed. This fear I have of terrible repercussions, I'm projecting it into other situations.

I didn't manage to split from FOO emotionally because they didn't want that to happen. It's a result of the trauma, which probably all or most of us on here have to deal with in some form or other and to some extent or other.

Hi Blueberry - this is my first attempt to 'quote' from your post - so I really hope I've done it correctly - but what you wrote resonated so much with me, I feel very similar to what you described - it makes so much sense.

I also like what you wrote at the end, when you said "But I remind myself now that I've been working at this bit by bet for years now.  I've been doing the best I can."

Good luck Blueberry with writing to that client, and ensuring they pay you for the time they owe to you - for not cancelling in time - that's only right.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Blueberry, sorry - I didn't manage to do it right - I see I've ended up in a large quotation.  I did try - don't worry about trying to explain how to do it, I'll try again another time.  I hope my post makes sense anyway...!

[Blueberry]

For better readability, I changed it for you. 

Thank you for commenting and especially for repeating some of my words. I thought: "Did I really write 'I have been doing the best I can'"? I looked at my post and saw I really did. It's really hard for me to believe that and not see myself as constantly under-achieving and doing too little to achieve my goals. But when I was posting that, obviously I was briefly in touch with my real feelings on the matter instead of being in touch with negative slander from FOO, of which there is still a ton in my head.

I'm sorry my post makes sense to you too, but at the same time it's very validating to me that I can write things people understand (since FOO doesn't understand and always blamed my writing or speaking skills) and that other people have gone through this craziness - it's not just me or my imagination. No, it's real dysfunctional family tactics.

I wrote to the client before I posted here. I haven't heard back yet (client is presumably busy elsewhere) and I feel calmer now.