I deserve my pay - Part 1

[Blueberry]

I'm working on believing that I deserve my pay. Deep down I don't believe it.

I have trouble writing my invoices, then trouble sending them, even if that just involves attaching it to an email and clicking Send. In the past I've mentally blocked how to turn a Word document into a pdf (advisable so the invoice can't be tampered with) even though I actually do know how. But that's one of my problems - suddenly part of my knowledge or one of my skills disappears. So far I've had no control over such things returning either. Suddenly occurs to me now that I maybe block this particular skill (converting Word doc to pdf) so that sending the invoice is impossible?

Even before I write my invoices, I often have trouble just seeing how 'expensive' my services are. Yesterday I was re-calculating a client's monthly fee for May to July because the person has already doubled the amount of time I'm working for her. In this type of work, double time means double price. But still the doubled price took me totally by surprise. It was a shock! OMG! Am I charging that much?? That's a ton of money! I can't possibly ask for so much money. (Even though the client has no problem with it.) While these thoughts were coming tumbling out, I felt this was an Inner Child?/Teen? reacting, but I can't yet feel which one. That will come when I'm ready. The 'double price' is 3-digit, whereas my original price was 2-digit. In the scheme of things in my country and this line of work, that's not an exorbitant amount of money, but I guess that it would be to a child or teenager.

This is progress  A majorly important realisation for me so that I can develop a more successful business and earn more of my own money. 

Can anybody relate to this kind of problem? Whether you're self-employed or just a regular employee?

[sanmagic7]

can't really relate, but i can definitely validate the fact that you do deserve your fee.  anyone who's good at their job deserves, at the very least, the going rate.  anyone who's better than good deserves more.  you know what you deserve, cuz you know what kind of work you produce.  big hug.

[Blueberry]

  I finally worked out the back payments I'm due for the client above.  A 3-digit number too, but this time it doesn't take me by surprise so much, so that's progress.

The really good thing though is that I finally worked out how much the client owes me and I was able to send the amount too, without waiting a day as I sometimes do - just in case I notice it's wrong or because I don't dare, or something.   
So slow progress in tiny steps, but it's coming.

I'm still not really feeling what's behind this.

One thing is: it's a lot easier to do things for other people. Like before I could even work out the amount, I sent some information to the client that I promised a couple of days ago that I'd send. The exact money I'm owed - this information has been waiting to be sent for about 5 weeks now, so should have priority. The client probably sees it that way too. But somehow with this extra information waiting to be researched and sent, I couldn't work out the financials. Undoubtedly my priorities are wrong in my head and in my emotions, but as I say, I'm not feeling very clearly what.

I do read books on starting a small business and all that but the how-to isn't really the issue, it's a deep-seated emotional problem.

[Dee]

I no longer work but when I did I was considered very good at my job.  I have just started to come to the conclusion I was very good.  I had a lot of reasons to discount my successes and that isn't right.  It feels good for the first time to feel like, I can do things well without it being because all the stars aligned perfectly. 

I had discounted everything.  I got good grades because the class was easy.  I did well because the competition wasn't great.  I was good at my job because I was lucky....  NO, it was because I did well, and that feels good.

[Three Roses]

Blueberry, you're not alone - this is an actual thing and even has a name! It's called "Seller's guilt" and here's a link to a great article on it - https://www.workflowmax.com/blog/why-you-need-to-stop-feeling-guilty-about-charging-for-your-time

Let the wild invoicing start!

[Blueberry]

Thanks, Three Roses!!!  That's a great article behind the link. It might not be easy to work on emotionally-speaking, but it's certainly easier if I know the problems behind it. And they're even problems 'normal' people have.

[Blueberry]

Today I got validation from this on a client. Last time I got a contract from them, I billed slightly under the original price I'd asked for, for reasons I won't go into. Today I got another small contract from them. Double the work of last time, but also double the price, and specially stated double the original price of last time.

This client could have stated double what I charged last time and I would've accepted, but he didn't. Others would've undoubtedly. I do roughly know the market I'm working in  but this one didn't.

He obviously feels I deserve my pay too. 

[Blueberry]

I often have trouble just seeing how 'expensive' my services are. Yesterday I was re-calculating a client's monthly fee for May to July because the person has already doubled the amount of time I'm working for her. In this type of work, double time means double price. But still the doubled price took me totally by surprise. It was a shock! OMG! Am I charging that much?? That's a ton of money! I can't possibly ask for so much money.

Another instance of that today. Same client wants double time from me in January and possibly February. The price for January still shocks me. OMG! How can I possibly charge that much?? But I sent it off after calculating. I didn't postpone sending the email. Slow but steady progress. 

[Blueberry]

Man, do I need that great link from ThreeRoses this evening! Apparently there was somewhat of a misunderstanding between a person who first hired me to do a contract job and the person who took over the funding of it. I should have got more money, Person A said I certainly would but there was no definite amount mentioned. I checked today - no, I was paid original quote. Spoke to person B who put blame on person A. Spoke to person A who asked me what I wanted price-wise, which I hadn't been expecting at all, I thought I'd have to explain myself. Person A said if I send a bill, he'll pay his original amount from his group. I said he could pay somewhat less (his group is a charity), but he declined. No, he'd pay it all.

I still feel somewhat guilty. But I really do deserve my pay!! Person A and B both underestimated the amount of effort that I put into this job or that anybody would put in. Originally I was doing it as kind of a favour to person A, but for pay. The favour was doing it at all, and because a charity was paying it, I wasn't going to haggle price. Then the job got bigger and bigger and actual content less and less clear. It's real spur-of-the-moment type work which is really difficult for me thanks to cptsd. But even without cptsd, it's strenuous. Everybody who does it regularly says that.

Person A was kind of gruff and almost impatient in his voice about offering more money, but he often is about lots of things. Nonetheless I believe somehow...
Yeah, OK, I get it. Bit of an EF. I feel it's like my F saying "alright, alright, alright, you can have whatever it is, if you really want, not that you're due it, or it's any of your business, but you can have it" about things my slightly elder brother had access to (like information on family stuff) or 'privileges' I wanted like eating my meal in a different room to escape tauntings and mockery (it's like I went LC occasionally at mealtimes to protect myself because no one else would and I wasn't actually allowed to defend myself. It's pretty weird all the gaslighting and other emotional abuse that went on in FOO).

OK, now M's putting her 5 cents in too: I'm not allowed to ask for more, it's begging. It doesn't count. Appreciation you have to ask for doesn't count. Though that's going back to one very specific memory that didn't have anything to do with paid work of any type. But being forbidden to defend myself came chiefly from her and that's playing a big role here too.

I know one of my problems is that I get stuck in a particular time, a particular era a few decades ago and that counts 'for ever after'. But I know that's an effect of cptsd. So I'm doing good questioning a couple of these things rn.  I feel a bit less guilty now.

Thanks anybody and everybody who reads. It's much, much easier for me to write on here and come to realisations while posting than it is in my paper Journal. Big thanks to OOTS. 

[Sceal]

I'm constantly impressed by the amount of clarity you get while you're writing out what is happening to you. And I also relate that sometimes it's easier to write here than in the physical journal - perhaps it's because we feel like we're talking to someone else?

I also find pricing difficult, I don't work right now - but I've had to price my art and other things, and each time I find it equally stressful. "Is it too much? - Is it too little?" Essentially I'm asking "What do you think I am worth?". It might seem like a silly question to someone without cPTSD, but for me - this question is vital. Perhaps it's also a question you ask yourself when you're sending out those bills and invoices to people who's hired you? I might be far afield here though.

[Blueberry]

Thanks Sceal!     I think you're right with that question of "what do you think I'm worth?" Might be more so with art than what I'm doing. But still quite a bit of my soul goes into my work and also sometimes soft skills that you can't price so well, or at least I can't.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure writing on here is a bit like talking to someone so that's why it's easier for me. I've been writing a paper Journal on and off for years and at some point it stopped helping me so much with clarity. Nobody reads my paper Journal so I don't get the (potential) validation from here.

[Blueberry]

ThreeRoses' link further upthread was very useful for me today. It helped me pretty much decide not to sell myself short x2. I've been offered work twice a week till about Feb. next year, teaching 2 different courses, both pretty badly paid. I've pretty much decided to only do one, not two.

Also I was actually meant to say by today but I couldn't make up my mind quite, but said I'd do the Thurs course. Afterwards I noticed  , no actually it's the Friday one I can agree to, the Thurs. probably not. When I realised I'd made that mistake, I thought  now I'll have to do both, like it or lump it. But since then I decided: I made a mistake, so what, I'll tell the guy tomorrow I confused the days, Friday course, yes, Thursday course, no (or maybe yes if they put the pay up  - but even then I'm not sure.)

A bit more progress. 

[Blueberry]

Further progress today  As I wrote elsewhere, I zipped across the road to do some spontaneous professional work for someone. Luck that I happened to be home at the time   I didn't set out a price in advance, which maybe I should have, but whatever... Anyway  the clients asked at the end after I'd spent an hour on their case. Some of it was waiting around but it's still my time. So I gave my price and the one of the pair hesitated and asked "thirteen or thirty". I repeated in a friendly but firm voice "thirty" and they paid up, thanked me, asked if they could get back to me if they needed my services again. No explanations on price from me, no justifcations etc (JADEing). Explaining price is valid but defending your price of 30 euros instead of 13 for an hour's work as a freelancer?? No. If anything, my price is a bit low in my market and country but it's what I felt comfortable asking.

[Sceal]

Everytime I see the title of this thread of yours I smile and silently yell inside my head "yes! Yes you do!"

You are a brave person! It's takes alot to stand firm on your worth when you've got trauma in your baggage that resolves around  your worth.
you did amazing

[Blueberry]

Thanks Sceal