Processing the truma in my last relationship, bringing out childhood *triggers*

[ricepen22]

About 10/11 months ago I left a long term relationship (10 years). I have only just started to process the tramer of it.

I found myself today considering the actions I would take if a man tried to harm me. I had blaked out to the world, but I was smoking a cigerette. Normally I would be really present when smoking. I watch the birds or goings on in the street.

I stopped and thought about why I was doing this. I told myself that this situation would not happen, and then I tought actuly it could. actuly I had no evidance that it wouldn't. I havent considered a situation like this since I was younge. I think it stopped when I had worked through my childhood tramer.

This has been regular recently. I keep considering what I would do in different situations were I would be harmed by a man. I hate this I have lots of loverly male friends. I cannot believe that every man is bad. I have an amazing little brother, he cannot be an *.

The other night I was dreaming of a childhood male best friend. I have not seen him in years, though I would really like to, but I have not herd from him since I was 9. In the dreem we were both adults. we were laughing about something and then out of the blue he head butted me (this would have never happened in real life).

I also had another dream just now, which I woke from. I think I may have had the same one befor. I had closed a bank account (which I am yet to close).
In the dream -
He didn't turn up to close it, he has made it clear that its not his problem, even though it is a joint account. I went over his head and closed it. He approached me in the street, blocked my path and then started to shout at me, about what happened to the account. I didn't want to discuss it. I didn't  want to give him the power ( and in reality a conversation would not nessaserily mean he would go away). In the dream I went throught different ways to get rid of him. In all the situations the only way was for me to punch him in the nose. In tonights dream though I was in a bussy street and though most people are happy to ignor a man screeming at a woman and pushing her around. The liklyhood is that I would be charged for GBH if punched him so I could get away. My only chose was just to stand there (in the dream) cornered untill he wore himself out (in reality this has taken days).

I'm tierd. I keep turning down work because I wouldn't be able to stay awake for 8hrs. waiting for a councilling appointment. Any advice?

[Blueberry]

I feel for you, and I can well imagine that you are tired! I don't have any concrete advice, sorry. But  Hope it helps a bit.