Is any therapy better than no therapy or is no therapy better than any therapy

[lambchop]

Hi, new here and in a bit of a dilemma. I've experienced one great therapist in my life who started me on the path to seeing life from a better perspective than the one I was carrying with me due to childhood traumas. That was around age 22 - I'm now 65 and still in pursuit of recovery since I've become caretaker of my abusers 9 years ago.  In my search to find another therapist I seem to be going from one therapist to another. I found a therapist with the depth & breath of experience I was hoping for, that had the right balance of compassion, insight and the ability to keep me on topic but my healthcare changed and I was forced to find another therapist. During one of our sessions she said I have PTSD and should consider EMDR. Unconvinced that PTSD was my diagnosis and reading conflicting info on EMDR I searched exhaustively for a Medicare psychotherapist who specializes in adult survivors of childhood trauma and EMDR - I found two. My first choice wasn't accepting new patients and referred me to her intern who recently gained residency and though she's been trained in EMDR, I was concerned about her level of experience. I made an appointment with my second choice but the day of the appointment I was traumatized when my cat and only soothing companion I have at the moment was on death's door and had to get her to emergency. I called while in distress but offered to pay for the cancelled last minute appointment when the therapist kept insisting I should try to find time to squeeze her in for an intake. I ended up going with the intern turned resident and find myself regretting this choice. I've been severely depressed, tearful at almost every session. The last session I could barely speak and feeling on the verge of a total meltdown I handed her my stream of consciousness notes - which was a page and a half. It included thoughts of wishing my life was over, needing to find love in my life, overwhelmed by my overburdened life managing my parents health and finances at the expense of my own. And with all that I listed I expected any number of questions or directions she could've taken. After attempting a pep talk about how intelligent I am and what a good heart I have, she shared her greatest concern for me was my money (or lack of it) and, at 65, I should put aside my entrepreneurial dreams (the one's I've been putting aside or 9 years) for now to find part-time work. What was even more exacerbating is we already had a discussion on this subject the previous week at which I gave her every reason why I'm not in a position to seek part time work. Though I do see good qualities in her, I believe she's not cut out to handle a trauma patient. I'm not in therapy for pep talks or practical advice. I left that session more traumatized than when I entered it because I added anger & frustration to all the other negative emotions I was already feeling. I was hoping to feel better prepared for my upcoming trip to take care of my parents and was left with angst instead. I'm in NY tending to my parents at the moment and have an appointment with her when I return. My dilemma is wondering whether its worth continuing to find that common ground for the time being or quit altogether while I find a more qualified therapist? 

[Candid]

I've been severely depressed, tearful at almost every session.

She's not hearing you. Pep talks and advice are not trauma therapy. Not even close. You'll be doing both of you a favour if you tell her as much, either by email or in a final session.

I added anger & frustration to all the other negative emotions I was already feeling.

That's your answer: Bad therapy is worse than no therapy.

How much care do your primary abusegivers need? Do you find it triggering to be around them?

[Three Roses]

Welcome to the forum! I say, good therapy is better than none, but being re traumatized by therapy is worse than no therapy!

You are not being listened to. The role of a therapist is not to tell you what to do - it's to help you work thru things YOUR way, it's to help you find answers that will work for YOU. All she can do is tell you what she would do in any given situation. I don't believe she's qualified to work with trauma patients.

[mourningdove]

Welcome, lambchop! 

My feeling is that a therapist shouldn't be giving their opinion on what kind of work you "should" do unless you have asked for that opinion. And it sounds like they are doing a little bit more than just giving you an opinion about it. That seems strange for someone that you are going to for EMDR. (Hope I have understood the situation correctly. It is hard for me to read big blocks of text.)

My answer to the thread title would be as follows: Decent therapy is way better than no therapy, but no therapy is way better than bad therapy.

[radical]

One of my concerns from what you've described, (and there are many) is her sharing that her greatest concern, when you were in extreme distress, was your lack of money.  I'm not saying money is not important, but I'm guessing money was not the focus of the distress you were expressing.

So, it sounds like she is already superimposing her own feelings, priorities and interests over your authentic ones.   When you desperately needed to be seen and heard, she was unable to be with you, and instead, it seems, felt it was quite okay to dump what I'm guessing is her own greatest concern of the moment in her own life, onto you so that she would be better able to focus on her own feelings through you, in your time, on your dime.

This is speculation of course.  That aside though, even with the most generous possible interpretation of what you have described, this therapist is incompetent.

If you  can find a way to manage your sessions to get some benefit from them, especially with little other outside support, do so, imo, but I'd be looking for someone else, or for ways of meeting your needs for healing from alternative modes.

[sanmagic7]

hey, lambchop,

glad you made it here.  to my mind, i agree with the rest - good therapy is better than no therapy, but bad therapy is worse than no therapy.  this does not sound like good therapy, nor a trauma-focused therapist.

since i've been on this forum, i was in therapy for awhile, but after about 6 mo. i fired her as my therapist.  she listened well in the beginning, which was good for me to get all the poison out in one place, but eventually, it was reduced to her asking me questions and debating/disagreeing with me on various subjects.  so, i quit.

i have gotten so much out of being here, now that it doesn't matter anymore.  i'm not saying that works for everyone, or that it should be sufficient, just that i've had therapy for over 30 yrs., am a therapist myself, and at this point i'm comfortable with what i get from this community. 

ideally, a combo of a good trauma therapist and the support of this community would fit the bill for most people.  we do what we can with what we've got.   it sounds, tho, that if you're going to be in regular contact with your abusers, it would be prudent to have a therapist available.  i don't know if they're still abusive, or the dynamics of your relationship with them, but it seems to me that extra support would be warranted. 

just a question to ask yourself - is it in the best interest of your recovery, your health and well-being, to be the caregiver to your abusers?  do you have a plan to keep yourself safe while around them?   i'd hate to see you get re-traumatized by them, especially at this stage of the game.  please, be careful and take care of yourself.  you deserve your own care.   best to you with this entire situation.     

[Candid]

i have gotten so much out of being here. 

Me too. I write a memory, very often triggered by other members' stuff, and it gets validated and then I feel that small bit lighter.

just a question to ask yourself - is it in the best interest of your recovery, your health and well-being, to be the caregiver to your abusers? 

I wondered that as well.

[lambchop]

I'm so glad I found this place. Just being able to communicate with others who get it because they've been through it is much more helpful than speaking with a professional who isn't listening.

I've taken the good advice from all and sent her an email (thanks for the suggestion Candid) that I would not be returning and the reasons why. She called shortly after I sent the message with what I felt to be a sincere apology, was appreciative of my candor and the understanding that her form of therapy isn't well suited to my needs. She referred me to someone with trauma experience so I'll be checking her out.

My parents are in their nineties and in failing health. Out of four siblings I'm the only one with the savvy to manage their medical  & financial needs. Even though we live in different states, I'm mandated by the courts to visit regularly. I'd love to sever ties somehow and get on with reclaiming my life and well being but its just not a reality for me at the moment. I will continue seeking good counsel while finding comfort, support and advice from this forum  to SanMagic for the wise words.

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad she apologized and admitted that she's not capable of meeting your needs.  that was gutsy on her part, and i give her credit for that.  i've heard too many times of therapist arguing with a client, which i think is disrespectful at the least.

sounds like you have a plan of self-care.  yay you!  best to you - i hope it works out as best as possible for you.  keep taking care of you.  big hug.

[Blueberry]

i'm glad she apologized and admitted that she's not capable of meeting your needs.  that was gutsy on her part, and i give her credit for that. 

Yes, this is good! And does not always happen.

I didn't realise you could be mandated to visit ailing parents. What a burden. Poor you. I'm grateful nobody can do that to me. Don't even live in the same country as my parents, would never work.

Best wishes to you 

[Candid]

She called shortly after I sent the message with what I felt to be a sincere apology, was appreciative of my candor and the understanding that her form of therapy isn't well suited to my needs. She referred me to someone with trauma experience so I'll be checking her out.

This is great -- a T who's open to criticism and made the effort to refer you on. I hope the new one is much better at meeting your needs.

I'm mandated by the courts to visit regularly.

I'm aghast that people can be court-mandated to visit their abusers. Perhaps in time the new T will be willing and able to help you overturn that decision.

[lambchop]

I'm aghast that people can be court-mandated to visit their abusers. Perhaps in time the new T will be willing and able to help you overturn that decision.

Perhaps I should make a point of clarification. I petitioned the courts to obtain legal guardianship over my Dad because I knew I'd win - at that point he was showing signs of dementia. I did this because up until then he continued to taunt and abuse my mother. And I only then learned that he had gained control of all their money and issued a new will giving their assets away to a distant cousin he barely knew. It was the only way I could rescue my mother's fair share of their estate as well as what should be his children's inheritance. As his legal guardian, I'm required to visit him minimally four times a year. Though the attorney knew the history, the abuse of my mother and children never came up in court. The petition was granted solely on the fact that he was no longer capable of taking care of himself.

Thank you all for your kind and supportive words - it makes it easier to face the day. Today's my last day at my folks and looking forward to heading home 

[Candid]

Thanks for clarifying. Give yourself a giant pat on the back for stepping up as the adult in the equation.

Four times a year sounds doable. Kudos, my friend.