First time poster

[soulsurvivor]

Hello,

It's taken me a couple of weeks to work up the courage to post here. I don't see any reason to waste any more time. Like many others here, I haven't been officially diagnosed as having cPTSD but like many others have observed, all the pieces seem to fit. I was raised by a undiagnosed BPD mother with an enabler father, and it was actually my sister through her therapy sessions that made the discovery that my mother is BPD. While most of the abuse was emotional, my father and sister suffered physical abuse at her hands. I was a sensitive child that tried to appease her and generally disappear rather than suffer her manipulation and wrath. I don't have many detailed memories of my childhood, it's all a fog. Some clarity has been achieved through conversations with my younger brother and older sister who remember more, and are further along the path of recovery than I am.

I'm still quite lost and uninformed but I'm trying to remedy that. It's painful to delve into it but I feel that I have to for the sake of my own family. I'm so tired of the anxiety, fear and self-loathing. I deserve more than this and so do my wife and kids. I'll leave it at that. I'd love to hear anything you have to say - it'll be nice to hear some kind and understanding words. I know I'm not alone.

[AncientSoul]

Welcome soulsurvivor:

Taking the first step in speaking out is a major step. The people here in my own opinion, are incredible and giving. I know that as for myself, speaking out and relaying my own journey has brought me peace. Also using the resources available here helps a lot in understanding. You are not alone.

I've learned that there is no time limit for grief, or for finding the path that helps. You are in charge for how much you wish to share. The moderators are quite good and nice and are helpful to keep things in perspective.

In my opinion, you're taking a good path to become who you wish to be and to find who you truly are.

AncientSoul

[Kizzie]

A very warm welcome to OOTS SoulSurvivor     So glad you decided to post, as Ancient Soul suggests it's a major step and does take courage.  I held back for the longest time and when I did post I felt so very vulnerable.  And it's understandable I suppose, by posting even in this anonymous forum we 'out' ourselves and our trauma. There it is in black type on a screen finally, the thing we have tried to escape from but could not.  It is scary to give voice to the things we stuffed away, tried not to let ourselves know about clearly, and yet the payoff is the relief and over time, greater sense of wholeness and freedom we begin to feel. 

It wonderful that you do have siblings who acknowledge the trauma and are working on their own recovery.  That will no doubt be really helpful as you recover because they can provide validation and support.  Coming here will hopefully provide some of that and it can also be helpful to have a therapist who is trained and experienced in trauma.

You deserve more than feeling fear, anxiety and self-loathing, you really do 
 

[Candid]

I was a sensitive child that tried to appease her and generally disappear rather than suffer her manipulation and wrath.

Me too. Lost cause, right?

I like your username, soul survivor. Glad you found us! And no, you're not alone. 

[soulsurvivor]

Me too. Lost cause, right?

Yeah, didn't work so well for me  My sister, the eldest, took the opposite approach - challenging her and eventually breaking away and keeping her contact with my parents to a minimum. She seemed to know what was going on and knew to get out? I had no clue and thought my mum was simply 'unbalanced'. I kept close for far too long and it sucked the life out of me. So now at 37 years old it seems like I'm starting all over again, emotionally at least. Thanks for reaching out.

[soulsurvivor]

It wonderful that you do have siblings who acknowledge the trauma and are working on their own recovery.  That will no doubt be really helpful as you recover because they can provide validation and support.  Coming here will hopefully provide some of that and it can also be helpful to have a therapist who is trained and experienced in trauma.

Hi Kizzie,

Thanks for the welcome, it means a lot. Indeed, I'm very lucky to have siblings that are able to help me along the path of healing. We're a pretty atomized family (sister lives in another country, brother lives on other side of my country) but have started to re-establish bonds in the last couple of years. I intend to seek out a therapist with experience in trauma (particularly cptsd), as you suggest, and see what comes of it. I'd been seeing a psychologist for a couple of years and didn't really get a whole lot out of it save for some interesting intellectual discussions. I think my spirit needs nourishing, not my rational mind :-) I accept the blame for that, I believe I kept it on an intellectual level - unconsciously perhaps - to protect myself from getting too deep into the emotional stuff. Great way to shoot myself in the foot, huh. Thanks so much for the welcome, I hope I manage to make something out of all of this. Keep well.

[soulsurvivor]

In my opinion, you're taking a good path to become who you wish to be and to find who you truly are.

Thanks for the welcome and your kind words. You're spot on about the 'finding out who I truly am' bit. I haven't a clue. None whatsoever. I haven't met many 37 year olds who haven't a clue who they are and what on earth they're doing in this world. I'm halfway content in being a good husband and father but I need more. I have an emptiness inside me that needs to be filled or at least understood in some way. Otherwise I fear my continuing ability to function adequately as a father and husband might not last. And it's something I'm determined not to * up - mind my french. So here I am. Thanks again.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Dear soul survivor
Your post could be my post ... so similar
Yes we deserve more and won't stop until we can live an internal serene life
Glad you are here

[soulsurvivor]

Your post could be my post ... so similar

Hi boatsetsailrose,

Thanks for the welcome. Feeling less alone in this :-)

[Boatsetsailrose]

Me too soul survivor having the lasting effects all these yrs later of a m with bpd can be dehabilitating ..
yes the anxiety and self loathing I am getting to see more clearly ... I said to the psychiatrist 'it's like she lives in my head'
I find it worse than the original experience

[soulsurvivor]

Me too soul survivor having the lasting effects all these yrs later of a m with bpd can be dehabilitating ...

Yep... at least we can now name it (cptsd), which gives me some comfort. I just thought I was 'unfit for living'. Now I'm finally starting to understand how much I've been through and how my upbringing wasn't normal (although what is 'normal' I guess) 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Yes the impact of it and then we get to see a disorder that has developed from it. Having people that have paved the ways to recovery is such a blessing ...
I've just come out of a terrible time again, never ceases to amaze me how unwell I can get ... this week I've felt happiness and freedom I haven't felt in so long

[lambchop]

It's taken me a couple of weeks to work up the courage to post here.

New here too SoulSurvivor and welcome. Take a moment to pat yourself on the back for your courage.  Too often those of us with cptsd are so focused on what we haven't done or our flaws that we don't reward ourselves for our achievements and what makes us unique! You've taken a huge step toward recovery by joining. 

After so many years of working with therapists in individual or group settings that didn't help matters much (some even made things worse), I feel the industry has finally developed a diagnosis I can agree with and relate to. At least now I know what skills and experience to look for in a therapist. Finding this site has been such a relief and I'm full of hope again.  Even my closest friend 50+ years doesn't know the depth of my pain because of how hard it is to talk about it. Bare your soul if you need to - people here get it. 

[Healing Finally]

Hello soulsurvivor 

You are fortunate to have discovered this part of your self at the early age of 37!  Many of us are much older, I in fact took 22 years longer to get to this point.  You sound strong and you are so fortunate to have siblings with whom you can talk to about your past experiences.

I go back and forth between feeling strength and courage to feeling small and insignificant, sometimes I can't even come back to this site, but then when I do I'm even stronger.   

Welcome