Hoping for some insight

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allybugg

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Hoping for some insight
« on: May 01, 2017, 09:40:10 PM »
Hello! I am new to OOTS and hoping I can get some thoughts from people here. I was raised in a household with a diagnosed but denying/ untreated Borderline mother. Lately, I have been struggling with my mental illness diagnoses. Depression and anxiety just don't seem to cut it.

I've done a lot of research on BPD and was fearful of being diagnosed. But there were things about it I just don't fit into i.e. seeing people in b&w and self harm/ suicidal ideation having to do with "sending a message" to others around me. I also don't really have a problem with impulse control as is a staple of the disorder. Finally, I came upon this website and research done about CPTSD. It is still very hard for me to even say I was abused as a child since it was very rarely physical. Though I connect more to the symptoms of CPTSD I am still very worried that I'm convincing myself of something I'm not due to my fear of being like my mom. I have yet to get the nerve up to ask for an official diagnosis but my psychiatrist does not seem to believe I have BPD.

I don't quite know what to do or where to go from here. If there is anyone here who grew up with a borderline parent and/or was misdiagnosed with BPD could try to help me out it would be much appreciated. Thank you for your time.

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Three Roses

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Re: Hoping for some insight
« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2017, 10:48:02 PM »
Welcome! I have not been misdiagnosed or had a parent with BPD but I just wanted to make sure you got a hearty welcome from someone. Thanks for joining!

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Maceo

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Re: Hoping for some insight
« Reply #2 on: May 02, 2017, 12:40:29 AM »
Hi Allybugg,

I'm also new here, so I'm not sure how much insight or grasp I have on CPTSD yet, but I did want to reply because when I was 18 I was hospitalized after a suicidal gesture and diagnosed with "borderline traits." I've actually had some really negative experiences carrying that diagnosis. I remember at 22, as I was informing my new therapist of past diagnoses, he ended the session, not even 10 minutes in, with a curt "I don't work with borderlines." I actually think that encounter encouraged me to further embrace the diagnosis.

I can say that the suicidal gesture wasn't for attention, but because I felt like I was in over head head, and didn't know how to live life. Looking back, I know I wouldn't have had the nerve, and didn't want to actually die, but desperately desired to "unexist." (Hence my labeling it a gesture and not an attempt.)

I share all this because about 5 years ago I was talking with my therapist about an incident with an abusive ex and made a comment about things being my fault because I'm BPD so of course I ask for it. She looked at me and quietly said "we've been working together for years. I'm familiar with and work with clients with BPD. In my professional opinion, you're far from BPD, and I'd like to challenge you to consider letting that label go." 5 years later, my current therapist makes a comment about my suffering from complex traumas, and not 3 weeks later a close friend shares a link to this site.

If I look at the symptoms, this fits. I still struggle because it's hard for me to think of my parents (father) as abusive, but I'm trying to just be open. I want to learn more about abuse, how it can manifest in such various ways and intensities, and not judge and blame myself for not living up to my (my father's) expectations of me.

I'm not sure if any of this is helpful, but I hope, at the very least, you find some reassurance in knowing "you're not the only one"  :hug:

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Blackbird

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Re: Hoping for some insight
« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2017, 09:52:09 AM »
Hi Allybug  :)

I was misdiagnosed with BPD in my teens, my therapist at the time didn't believe my mother was emotionally abusive, and thought it was just my father who was abusive, or unstable. We spent a lot of time 'treating' my BPD, 4 years to be exact, and I eventually left that therapist. Felt I was only there to convince him of my mother's instability instead of actually healing from abuse. It was psychoanalysis, so it wasn't much help.

Later I was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia after a psychotic break that got me hospitalized. Then later my then psychiatrist diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder (symptoms of Bipolar and Schizophrenia) and also hinted BPD although my therapist said I'm not BPD for sure. The psychiatrist only saw me for 10 minutes every 3 months... so I took what he said with a grain of salt, but still had the idea of being BPD. Changed psychiatrists, and this current one diagnosed me correctly with Bipolar, which I was already sure to have by self-diagnosis and a lot of research.

What both my therapist and current psychiatrist say is that when we're teens, especially when we grow in abusive households, we show a lot of BPD signs, that usually wear off with age. That's what happened to me. I show no symptoms of BPD since I was 27, and the instability I had was from the Bipolar.

So, don't self diagnose. If you grew up in an abusive household, it's possible you have CPTSD, but best to talk to your psychiatrist, or better yet a therapist, that are usually more aware of the individual than to cluster people by illnesses.

Hope this helped somewhat, I'm very sleepy  :stars:

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Candid

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Re: Hoping for some insight
« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2017, 10:01:27 AM »
my psychiatrist does not seem to believe I have BPD.

Ask him or her what s/he does think.

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It is still very hard for me to even say I was abused as a child since it was very rarely physical.

I 'only' had the odd slap, too. For me it was all verbal/emotional abuse, being treated as less deserving than my siblings, being blamed for everything that went wrong in FOO, being ridiculed for tears or anger, having self-esteem and confidence attacked on a daily basis. Oh, and my mother telling me on Christmas Day that she wished I hadn't come, leading to decades of distress at the end of which I was whole-FOO ostracised. Lots of misdiagnoses for me, too, up to and including schizoaffective disorder. :roll:

As you keep reading here, no doubt you'll see similar stories to your own. I'm not keen on pathologising, but it helps to have a label that fits. For one thing, it brings you to this forum where IMO you'll get better and more reliable 'therapy' than you could find elsewhere.

 :hug: and welcome, allybugg!