New symptom

[Blackbird]

My mother yesterday was in a bad mood. My T and I had talked about how to deal with her meltdowns, moods and overall lack of awareness of others' feelings, and we decided the best way for me to deal with it was to not engage and keep quiet, so she couldn't push my buttons. I did very well, at the end of the day I was full of anger but managed not to engage and let it slide. She apologized at dinner and well, I "forgave" her.

Talked to my T and he sent me a book called 'Self-Therapy' by Jay Early and I started reading it today since I'm alone and can process. It's not like Pete Walker's type of thing, but it ressonates around it too. I think it's more fitting for me with all my disorders and I trust my T.

Anyway, reached a point there in the book when I started reading a few sentences and got a huge headache, couldn't focus on the book. Thought it was lack of food, so I ate something, smoked a cigarette and resumed my reading on that sentence. Headache again.

It has to do with what I think are my repressed memories, every time I think of them I have a headache. Does this mean something?

I don't think I'm ready to face them. I have an appointment with my T tomorrow.

[Blueberry]

Not ready to face repressed memories? Take this seriously. It could be good to lay the book aside for a while, do some grounding. Give yourself time to let what you have been reading sink in, don't overload.

i'm often not ready to face some memory or even some topic in T. Try and be patient with yourself, even though it's hard. We want conquer this beast yesterday and get on with our lives.

[Blackbird]

You're right, Blueberry.

Luckily, the triggering parts of the book were just that. It's not as triggering as others I've read that focus a lot on the abuse. This ones focuses more on recovery.

My T is always saying I'm too impatient. 

[texannurse]

I agree with both of you. My T says whenever I get triggered reading or journaling, to put the book/journal down, walk away, do grounding exercises - then go back to it when in a calmer place. For me, that's usually 24-48 hours later. She tells me all the time that I push myself too hard. Trauma memories, emotions and inner child are the hardest for me to face.

Blackbird!

[Blackbird]

  texannurse