[JamesG]

is that how this works? Dissacociation gives way and you feel the pain more? I'm getting adrenalin anxiety suddenly after a lot of low level stuff, is that a good or a bad sign?

[bring em all in]

I'm not sure, but I've been vacillating between disassociating and wildly erratic with explosive verbal anger for about a month now. For me it certainly has gotten worse with exploring deep issues and memories with my therapist.

[Kizzie]

Hey James - it certainly might be the case that you are starting to feel the anger rather than dissociating.  Unfortunately it doesn't feel good I know and yet it does seem to be the way out of for many of us.  By that I mean letting the anger and pain come to the surface rather than moving away from it so that finally we process and integrate it.  For many of us, it's just stuffed away beneath the surface but keeps learning out and in some cases flooding out as in an EF.  Do you work with a therapist?

[JamesG]

I'm setting one up for next month, waiting list.
For me it's about 6 months since the shooting stopped, big family mess culminating in my mother's death and the resulting inevitable inheritance fight with my npd brother. Alcoholic partner and over work to boot. Have now backed clean away from all but the work and am going to have to start again, alone. Very hurt, very frightened and frequently suicidal in my thoughts. Just not sure I can do this. My experience of people has been so bleak and twisted, and the sheer material cost of escaping the mess is starting to hit home in a big way. I feel very very used. My best tactic is to throw myself at my writing and pour everything I have at settling my own security as fast as I can. But considering what a sensitive, giving and tactile man I am that seems a bizarre future really. I just can't picture life ahead of me and am concerned that if it's going to be just more pain and isolation, then frankly, why bother?

[Three Roses]

When I started therapy, my outlook on life improved. I finally reached out for help with my (very violent) past at the gentle but persistent urging of a friend. It's really helping. I've read a ton of self help books and been thru counseling before, but never told the whole truth until now. A handful of the more shocking incidents I had "forgotten".

I went through a rough patch feeling the bleakness of existence but I'm coming out of that. Still have bad days, of course, but they're growing less and less frequent. Tend to withdraw less, too.

On bad days I am convinced no one would miss me if I were gone, and maybe some would even be happy. On good days, I'm glad I don't listen to the bad days.

Here's to hoping therapy will help you a lot and you'll feel better soon. Until then, keep us posted on how you're doing, good or bad. I care about you.

[JamesG]

thankyou.

I'm finding sheer bloody mindedness with work is doing it for now. I'm filling my time as hard as I can with anything that has a potentially productive outcome. A sense of progression is everything. A list of supporters also helps. Some people however well intentioned can be pretty destructive tho I find and I'm steering clear of them. Right now it's a crisis and I'm going to have to fight to get through this in whatever way I can. Taking no prisoners I'm afraid. Some people have been incredibly kind tho. Sadly the C-PTSD took down a potential relationship, a unique probably one off thing that has hurt a lot. That is a very bitter pill.

[Blueberry]

I'm filling my time as hard as I can with anything that has a potentially productive outcome. A sense of progression is everything. .. Right now it's a crisis and I'm going to have to fight to get through this in whatever way I can.

"potentially productive outcome" sounds very healthy  as well as "sense of progression". For the rest of your post, 

[JamesG]

yeah, but then you wake up after a crushing dream and you feel like death. Gonna take some time. sheesh.

[Blueberry]

yeah, but then you wake up after a crushing dream and you feel like death. Gonna take some time. sheesh.

Just wondering James, was this a reply to my post? Or just a remark in general?

[JamesG]

Well I was just stating that it fights back a lot, I've been waking up early, feeling exhausted and then trying to sleep mid-day. Worst thing going for panic attacks, dreadful. I've just got so much to digest, right now I don't feel like I have any support at all, totally out on a limb and my trust for people has reached rock bottom.

[Blueberry]

Ok, I understand. You even meant literally waking up! i sometimes seem to not understand the total obvious.

I gave you a thumbup but that doesn't mean I think you always have to be filling your time with anything productive etc. No, you're totally right, this Beast called C-PTSD fights back an awful lot. Two steps forward, 1 3/4 back or sideways etc ad nauseam for years on end in my case.
I hope so much for you that you come to find some support in your non-cyber world and start to develop a bit of trust bit by bit maybe even with just one or two people here. I'm sure that would make at least a bit of a difference.  All the best.

[JamesG]

aye, I will a bit more soon. I'm staying with friends before my flat is ready and good tho they are, I'm unable to deploy my coping strategies. Should get better shortly but boy am I feeling it right now.

[Babysister]

I think that is normal. When you begin to face facts, a LOT of emotions come up. You may find yourself in a vat of anger. But, Don't lose your sense of humour; I became way too serious about it and that can cause depression.
 

Make sure you have a balance between downtime and try to write those feelings -all of them that come up in a journal. Get them out of you.

Then make sure you have some time for relaxing watching shows that make you laugh or talking with your friends especially one that makes you laugh.

There needs to be a balance. "All therapy and no play makes James a dull boy"

Above all:
Have compassion for yourself. No matter if you feel angry at yourself, BE GENTLE with yourself. Okay?
I'm cheering for you.

[Babysister]

At these times i find listening to this 80's retro group "Talking Heads'(funny name)song: "once in a lifetime". It made me laugh when things were really bad.
The lyrics are hilarious.
I hope that when things get really bad James, you will give yourself the gift of laughter; you deserve that.
Feel better with the knowledge that everyone on here has experienced your pain so you are not alone. When i went through the worst of my pain I really was alone because this forum didn't exist. So you are lucky to have this resource:)

[JamesG]

I'm a big talking heads fan. Houses in motion is a definite top track.

I'm also finding online dating rather useful, not to literaly date but to make contact with like minds. Being understood and liked as you are now and not as an echo of your old pre-breakdown self is a huge thing. I have been very open about my experiences and have found nothing but affirmation from some really lovely people. It's possible to live outside of the pain if you chose your contacts wisley, but so many of us have had situations we can't dodge or run from and I feel so much for all of you that are still in that position. Know that your sensitivity is a sign that you are a wonderful individual and not weak, weakness is the narcissist, the abuser and the negligent. We hurt because we are strong enough to feel.