Dissociation with immediate amnesia?

[confident]

So bear in mind I haven't yet received a definitive C-PTSD diagnosis and am not entirely sure all the ways childhood trauma has affected me yet. I know I have issues with dissociation, and wanted feedback on this particular problem.

Exhibit A: Sunday night. I can't remember if I was reading or watching a movie. I honestly can't even really remember this exchange either so I am improvising.

DH: "....t hahaha that was so funny."
Me: "Haha, yeah."
DH: "So you were ok with that?"
Me: "Ok with what?"
DH: "I just said I was going to take a shower now."
Me: "What? You did?"
DH: "Yeah, just minutes ago. I said, 'Ok, I need to go take a shower now, you just going to hang out and read?' And you said...."

And then it's gone again. But he proceeded to tell me about 3 or 4 sentences and exchanges I do not and could not remember. I have no memory of even conversing with him before the above exchange.

This has happened at least a handful of times in our marriage, where he fluently and unwaveringly quotes things I said minutes ago or earlier in the day that I have no memory of speaking.

Does anyone with C-PTSD experience this? Is it associated with other dissociative disorders?

[confident]

Thank you for sending me back to that thread, bheart. I related so much to your experiences, incuding dissociating at my T's office and remembering almost nothing of my time there. 

It's hard seeing myself so fragmented. I found a scholarly article that discussed what dissociation looks like in its various manifestations in trauma survivors. I'm not entirely sure I have anything so severe as DID, but I'm not entirely sure I don't. I see parts of me more than I see a whole me. It's hard to explain...

My DH was awesome last night. I told him how I'm feeling about my dissociation and he's agreed to help me ground myself in our conversations.  I'm most likely to dissociate interacting with other people, sitting at home by myself, or driving, so if you've got any tips to keep me present in each situation, I'll happily accept them. 

[Annegirl]

Yes it happens to me all the time. Is that called dissociation? Like you see someone talking or know they started talking to you but you dont know what they said? I thought at first im just notgood at multi tasking, but when the children react in disbelief and frustrated irealised that doesnt happen with them and my husband.i started to tryand recognise those times and snap out of it, usually its still too late but i realise i go deep into thinking about past things almost like im there again. I thought everyone does this though...

[Widdiful Falling]

I find I do this a lot when I'm tired.

I slept so little last week, that I "lost" an entire night, and misplaced my wallet. It makes me feel like I am going insane.

Losing my wallet is quite an event for me. I'm normally very responsible.

Yes it happens to me all the time. Is that called dissociation? Like you see someone talking or know they started talking to you but you dont know what they said? I thought at first im just notgood at multi tasking, but when the children react in disbelief and frustrated irealised that doesnt happen with them and my husband.i started to tryand recognise those times and snap out of it, usually its still too late but i realise i go deep into thinking about past things almost like im there again. I thought everyone does this though...

Annegirl, what you describe at the end there, is a thought trap called rumination. If you stop by this forum's counterpart, you'll find that a lot of us have the same problem. There's a thread there, where we're all trying to work together to stop ruminating.

http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=39257.0

Not everyone does that, and it's really a bad habit to keep rehashing the past. It makes it really hard to move on, and I'd have to say it's my number one obstacle right now.

[Annegirl]

Ok so its kind of easier to get over than dissociating?

[Widdiful Falling]

I think "easier" is a very subjective idea. It might be, for you. Give it a go. It's probably one of the hardest challenges I've ever faced, personally. It all depends on your experiences, and your coping skills.

[Indigochild]

Feeling disassociated past few days. Very anxious too.
Not felt like i was inside my own skin as I usually do, but I guess i have been inside my own skin, more observing myself doing things but wrapped in a cloud, working on auto pilot, but very slow auto pilot.
Keep loosing things, ill put something down and then forget i put it there, every second this happens.
I feel I'm not in control of my body or my actions and whilst i dont want to be preasent at the moment, its quite scary and frustrating, and if i wasnt disassociated, I would be actually angry and frustrated at this.

Also, I am realising more and more that i cant remember past events and i nod along and say yes, so that others dont think I'm thick.
I cant explain this to anyone, know one knows me or about my history, and i feel very alone.
If someone could just understand and accept it, it would be ok.
I cant remember people either, and in a conversation, someone will say something, then ill ask them again the same question i already asked, and then they will tell me they have just told me.

Maybe this is why i used to loose my belongings as a kid, but I'm not sure if that was actually me, or if my mum framed me (undiagnosed Npd)

[Dutch Uncle]

I cant remember people either, and in a conversation, someone will say something, then ill ask them again the same question i already asked, and then they will tell me they have just told me.

Do you, at those times, know where you 'went'?
I'm familiar with this phenomena, where people talk to me, and somehow only after they stop something inside me realizes: "A response is needed now" and I go: "Huh? Sorry. I was somewhere else. What did you just say, ask?"
Expressing that helps me get grounded again. And usually I then do not 'travel back' to where I were, but remain 'at the present'.
Does that resonate to your experience?

Maybe this is why i used to loose my belongings as a kid, but I'm not sure if that was actually me, or if my mum framed me (undiagnosed Npd)

I have one particular memory of not knowing if I was framed or not: I was missing some dinky-toys, quite a lot actually, and I couldn't find them even after my mom had said to me to go look for them in my room.
I accused the neighboring boy of stealing them.
After a week they miraculously appeared, they were hanging in a bag on the radiator-knob in my room.
I had to make apologies to the boy.
I STILL don't know how I could have missed the bag in full sight, nor how my mom could have missed that bag for a whole week.
( I was quite a withdrawn boy who would spend most of his time playing at home, often alone, in my own room. I should have bumped into them. I figured. When they re-appeared.)

I still think something else happened there. That the toys were at my neighbor-boy's house. Perhaps I had taken them there in a bag and simply forgot I had taken them there. And by accident left them there, without realizing I had forgotten to take them home again.
I stil had a long and good friendship with the boy after that and my apology. 
But it's still is a fishy memory.

[tired]

It happened a lot and I assumed it was bad memory or selective memory. Or that he was wrong/lying. I do wonder about dissociation. How would I know?  At my age I frequently get up and go to another room for something and by the time I get there I can't remember what I was going to do.   

[stillhere]

During phases of dissociation, which have been happening again in the past few months, I "discover" lost time, or at least time I can't account for.  And like you, Indigo, I find things in unusual places. 

Thankfully, the condition usually abates, but it's scary.  I've been trying to "ground" myself by writing lists and setting alarms, but these tactics are only partly effective.

I've been told to consider other techniques for grounding like holding a familiar object or having a friend call at a designated time. 

Indigo, I hope you can find a strategy here.

[Dutch Uncle]

How are you doing, Indigo?
Are the meds of any help?

Annegirl, what you describe at the end there, is a thought trap called rumination. If you stop by this forum's counterpart, you'll find that a lot of us have the same problem. There's a thread there, where we're all trying to work together to stop ruminating.

http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=39257.0

That is an awesome link, Widdiful Falling.
Especially DeeSchex's post looks promising.
Ruminating is my biggest downfall of all. I'm stuck for years in the FOO-POO already, and the attention to it seems to be growing still. The awareness of it for sure (the latter is probably a good thing).
I do realize I'm making progress, but I sure can use some tools to slow down the process. I have plenty of time to work through this really. I'm stuck with cPTSD for almost 50 years now, so why should I fix this NOW or next week? That's not going to happen anyway, so I certainly can use all the tools to be more productive and less dysfunctional in other area's of my life by cutting down on the ruminating.

edited to add:
this post will probably very beneficial for me too:
http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=39257.msg364728#msg364728

Because I mostly ruminate over the bloodsucking FOO uPD's. I've just written on a sheet of paper this quote:

What I try to remind myself of is that I am getting myself upset over a toxic person that treats everyone poorly.  What's the point of that???  If my child's father treats his mother, his girlfriend, his sister, his neighbors like absolute dirt - than why am I going to be any different?  It does not excuse his behavior, but it allows me to depersonalize it (on a good day).  Why should I waste my time getting upset over someone who has disordered relationships with everyone they come across???Why should I internalize the words and actions of someone who is pretty much not playing with a full deck?  I may as well feel angry and resentful toward a brick wall.

That is exactly what I should train myself to do, or they will never get out of my brain, and I'll never stop ruminating on how/why it went wrong.
I should probably copy that quote daily, until I do what it says I should, automatically.

[Indigochild]

Hi Stillhere

When you say you discover lost time, what is that like?
When you word it like that- finding things in unusual places, its true and i cant believe it happens to me, that i am a person who dissociates.
Im guessing you also put things down and cant find them for forgetting where you put them? thats the same thing i guess.
Even if it is in place you thought it would be, you forgot you put it there as in , you dont remember doing it.

It abates with me too.

This made me laugh haha... I've been trying to "ground" myself by writing lists and setting alarms, but these tactics are only partly effective.
Good idea to set the alarms, i have always been a huge list maker.

My problem is , when things are bad, i dont want to be grounded. Not yet.

Thanks for your reply and experience.

[arpy1]

Indigo, this sounds like it is not pleasant at all  . i wondered, was there something that prompted this episode, or did it just come on?

i cant believe it happens to me, that i am a person who dissociates.

the way i look at it, i think it would be more unbelievable if you hadn't learnt to do it, it was a good survival skill at the time and it helped you when you were least able to cope.  so, maybe no need to beat urself up for being someone who dissociates?

anyway, i hope this bit passes, and that you can gradually feel safe enuf to come back into yourself soon. also, remember that you're not on your own with this and you're supported.

[Indigochild]

Hey Dutch Uncle

I dont know where i go at those times. I will try to figure it out if i can.
Aparently during dissociation, the brain totally shuts down. Not sure if thats right but is fascinating. There must be some part of it that is still working surely, unless, its bodily response, as the body is still alive as heart still beats.

Yes, it is grounding to say, oh yeah, you just said that, something to that nature.

I always thought i was stupid, not remembering things from the past, but since T told me I disassociate - freeze type), Im thinking maybe I'm not stupid. There are chunks of stuff i just dont remember.

That is strange about the toys.
Maybe you did miss them on your door- but perhaps not if they were on your door for a period of time.

Its such a shame that you had to apologise to the boy!
Hopefully one day you will know what really happened if you wish to know.

I have heard of narcissists hiding things from people, this one woman who does videos on narcissism said that her husband kept telling her to buy salt over and over, that she was so dumb and forgetful, and she believed it. When she got rid of him, she was still in the same house they lived in together, and she decided to look for the salt.
She found it on the very top of the cupboards, right at the back, many many salt pots that she DID buy, hidden behind other jars and stuff.

I still think something else happened there. That the toys were at my neighbor-boy's house. Perhaps I had taken them there in a bag and simply forgot I had taken them there. And by accident left them there, without realizing I had forgotten to take them home again.
I stil had a long and good friendship with the boy after that and my apology. 
If you had left them there, they wouldnt be at home. you say you may have left them there and forgot to take them home - so if this is true-
who would have put them in your room?

[stillhere]

Hi, Indigo,

Yes, I don't really want to be grounded either.  The thing is dissociation is an effective defense against what is, at least for the moment, unthinkable.  When I do it, I really can't be present in any significant way.

The experience varies.  I can  lose time in ways I don't really understand, but every now and then I realize that hours have past and I don't know what I've done.  I work alone some of the time, so I don't have social connections to keep me grounded.  And, yes, I put things down and can't remember where they are.  Worse, I find myself disorganized after having made much effort to keep a project on track.  It's disconcerting. 

This sort of thing happens sporadically, often when I'm especially stressed or threatened, as I have been lately.

Lots of websites have suggestions for "grounding."  But they don't always work  if you don't realize you need something.